The Triumphant 11th Year
(Editor's Note: Despite having taken my camera to New
Orleans with me, for some reason I ended up not taking any pictures. This
is probably due to the fact that I am a fool. Anyway, what I decided to do
was simply add pictures of things I did not see while in New Orleans.
flew into New Orleans with little incident.
off the plane, I strained to hear the sounds of French chatter, the
pungent aroma of simmering shrimp etoufee, or the crunch of hungry
tourists snapping into crawfish. I got none of that. Instead there were
ample gray skies and an onslaught of rain; a preamble of things to come.
hour later I met with my good pal Jennie and we set off for the hotel. Our
accommodations, contrary to what others read on the Internet, turned out
to be fairly acceptable. Nothing to get overly excited about, but nothing
that set us screaming off into the night, either. The worst part, for me,
was the showers. They featured two water temperatures: damn hot and f*cking
cold. There was no in-between. Other than that minor quibble, everything
was just dandy.
from the rest of our group was scheduled to arrive until later that
evening, so Jennie and I made our way to Bourbon Street to grab some lunch
and check out the sights. Needless to say, there is a
lot to see in New Orleans. Restaurants, bars, clubs, novelty shops,
voodoo, transvestites – the Big Easy has everything! To say I was
overwhelmed would be an understatement. Fortunately for me, Jennie was
there to provide historical exposition to various points of interest
scattered throughout the area. When appropriate, I was quick to comment on
how certain buildings looked “cool” and how some of the local denizens
we spent the day doing tourist stuff. Finally, when early evening rolled
around, I was able to convince my tour guide to return to base and await
the arrival of our esteemed cohorts. The day’s walking had forced me to
exert some effort; I was whiny and my feet hurt. We made our way back to
the hotel and relaxed a bit. I even got to catch up on the current WB
television line-up. (In hindsight, perhaps I could have handled walking
just a little more.)
FreeX (of The Bad
Movie Report fame) and his wife, the radiant Lady FreeX, finally
arrived to Chez Cabal around 9. I asked the good Doctor if they would like
to accompany us to dinner. After clearing it with the boss (the
aforementioned Lady FreeX), he happily proclaimed that they would. So we
met our friends at their suite (it pays
to be a star of stage and cinema!) and exchanged door prizes. I was
distributing copies of The Deadly Life of a Ninja, along with the Dolemite
soundtrack (on that archaic medium called “tape”). Dr. FreeX had
burned a tremendous compilation of songs from b-movie staples, including
“Shook Out of Shape” from The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who
Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. I love that song!
dinner, the FreeX duo headed back to their celebrity suite. Jennie and I
returned to Bourbon Street to paint the town red. Considering the fact
that I don’t know how to party, we ended up painting the town only a
light rouge (Woo! Somebody stop me!). We wandered about, peeked into
several crowded clubs, listened to a little music, and stared at the odd
lot of people walking by. We even got to pay five dollars for watered-down
soda! To me, nothing is more refreshing than a five dollar watered-down
midnight, instead of letting it all hang out, we called it an evening.
With NOWFF being just around the corner, we needed all the sleep we could
next morning, after a little confusion getting in contact with the rest of
our party, we all met down in the lobby for our complimentary continental
breakfast – consisting of poor coffee and two donuts. (And don’t you
dare try to take more than the allotted two! There is few more feared than
Louisiana’s Donut Police.)
party included (besides those previously mentioned):
Begg, of Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension.
The only Cabal attendee who wasn’t affiliated with Stomp Tokyo. He was
also the only one who won a door prize. Coincidence?!
Hamilton, Chris and Christina Holland of Stomp
Tokyo. Chris handled the logistics; Christina handled Chris; and Scott
handled any arguments pertaining to the aesthetic quality of Maria Ford.
“Filmboy” Stanford and Loren. In
a world riddled with cynical folks burned by the flames of love, it’s
good to know that at least two people break the mold with their unbridled
mushiness. (I mean that as a good thing.)
of us decided to skip the complimentary (not to mention rudimentary)
breakfast, instead opting to dine at the world renowned Café Du Monde.
Unfortunately, it being a Saturday morning, the world renowned Café Du
Monde was packed; a line of prospective patrons stretched as far as the
eye could see (in other words, a block or two). So, instead, we decided to
try the restaurant located across the street from the Café. I wish I
could remember the establishment’s name, for then I could warn you, Fair
Reader, about going there. For the most part, the food wasn’t too bad.
The service, on the other hand, was atrocious. Our waiter, Ashton, was
truly a nitwit. It took him forever to even acknowledge our existence, let
alone take our damn orders. I’m not even going to get into how long it
took us to actually receive our meals; nor am I going to mention the fact
that Filmboy’s humble request was never even turned into the kitchen. I
refuse to let this recap become an Ashton smear article. Instead, let me
say that if you happen to be in New Orleans, and Café Du Monde is full,
by all means, do not go to the restaurant located right across the street.
Unless aggravation fuels your appetite.
running behind schedule, the crew all piled into several taxis and
scurried back to the hotel. After
gathering our necessities, we then separated into various rental vehicles
and darted towards the festival. Despite some navigational
miscalculations, we were fortunate enough to make it to NOWFF just a
little late. Hurrying inside, we handed over the Stomp Tokyo merchandise
and door prizes to the festival organizers, got our tickets, and scrambled
into the auditorium (sitting near the front, of course). The infamous
seats, as noted in several NOWFF recaps of the past, looked just as
crippling as described. Lucky for me, Jennie had brought seat cushions and
enough to let me borrow one. May God bless Jennie Burroughs.
get to it, shall we?
do-it-yourself cheapie about an alien who lands in Hicksville, loses his
gun and ball, and finds trouble with the local rednecks trying to get them
back. If you have ever seen Pod People, the title credits feature
scenes from Galaxy Invader. And no, I have absolutely no idea why.
bit on the dull side, I must confess, but for the most part, Galaxy
Invader was fairly entertaining. The poor camerawork and lighting were
surpassed only by the atrocious acting.
slow motion finale involving a helpless dummy plummeting from a cliff’s
product placements featuring a variety of beers.
from WKRP, and a group of college chums battle demons, the Necronomicon,
and a drooling Ranger Smith. I had seen Equinox before, and vaguely
recall actually liking the film. Despite my admiration, I found my second
viewing to be a bit on the tedious side. Unlike, say, Rock ‘n Roll
Nightmare, Equinox was not a film that can be enjoyed
Kelley and Janet Leigh battle hormonally mutated bunny rabbits. I found
the concept of crazy bunnies to be quite funny, at first, but the novelty
wore thin rather quickly. Just how many times do I have to watch rabbits
hop in slow motion down a road and off a hill? And why in slow motion? Are
slow motion bunny rabbits scarier?
the 50’s, and some guy has a TV which does such wacky things as light
cigarettes, destroy coffee cups, and walk around on flimsy little legs.
Though others in our group may disagree, I found Twonky to be
lit that guy’s pipe. Ha ha.
shaved that guy’s face. Ha ha.
lit that guy’s pipe again. Yawn.
dozed off for the majority of this trite.)
the feature even started, our gang decided to step out and grab a little
dinner. So obviously, I missed out on Village of the Giants. I did
catch a little of the opening credits, though. Bikini-clad teeny boppers
dancing in slow
motion to surf rock. So let me make sure I got this straight: We stick
around to watch Twonky, but decide to leave during the bikini-clad
teeny boppers. What’s wrong with this picture?
to the 7Th Planet
by the legendary Sid Pink, Journey to the 7th Planet
was yet another test of my cinematic patience. A group of astronauts, led
by John Agar (your hero and mine), fly out to titular 7th
planet (via infinite stock footage) and discover a strange alien being
that can physically manifest beautiful women from thin air, as well as
scary monsters (whichever the situation dictates).
short, very tedious.
helped ease the pain of this film, however, was the fact that the
aforementioned 7th planet happens to be Uranus. For a good
thirty minutes, a large majority of our group let the “Uranus” jokes
fly. Though nothing would please me more than to regurgitate all these
quips for your reading pleasure, I will, instead, practice moderation and
give you my personal pick of the litter.
landing on Uranus (no, that’s not the joke), the planet’s surface is
suddenly overrun with vegetation. One of the astronauts then picks an
apple from a nearby tree and takes a big bite.
apples are delicious!”
Scott Hamilton, what a card!
on the psychedelic kiddie show from the 60’s, Pufnstuf lived up
to the hype of being a conglomeration of surreal characters in a surreal
setting singing surreal songs. Bizarre. Look for a full review in the next
week or two.
the film was very entertaining (I don’t care what you say!), the best
part of Pufnstuf was the introduction by Stomp Tokyo’s very
own, Dr. FreeX. Being the scholarly type, FreeX had purchased the DVD of
some classic Pufnstuf episodes for research. (He took notes
and everything!) After conducting a few Stomp Tokyo giveaways (Chris and
Scott: They just give and give!), the Doctor gave us some brief, yet
insightful, background on the feature we were about to witness. The
presentation was educational; its delivery, impeccable. Dr. FreeX can do
would be remiss in not mentioning the winner of this year’s Golden
Sludgie Award – Professor Griffin. A popular horror host and NOWFF
regular, The Professor accepted his trophy graciously, then proceeded to
prove his worthiness of the prestigious award with an inspired
introduction to Village of the Slow Motion Bikini-Clad Teeny Boppers…er,
I meant Village of the Giants. So, kudos to Professor Griffin on a
job well done.
cleaning up around our campsite, the clan then headed back to the ranch.
The plan was to head out to Bourbon Street for a night of unbridled
debauchery, but after several of us wussed out (myself included), everyone
decided to simply retire. Sure, wandering about New Orleans is a rare
opportunity for those who don't live there, but dammit, sleep is pretty
next morning, we were scheduled to meet in the lobby and grab a bite at
The Court of Two Sisters. Once again, sleep sounded like a better idea;
the party animals begged off again, with a promise to meet back up with
the group after a few more winks.
eleven or so, I finally roused myself out of bed, got cleaned up, and
headed down to Café Du Monde with Jennie for some coffee and beignets
(pronounced “Ben-Yay” not “Beg-Nett,” as us rednecks prefer). I
called Chris and was informed that brunch at The Court of Two Sisters was
postponed until 2:30, and we would all meet at The French Market a little
after one. So we moused around several tourist traps for a while*, met up
with our pals, then had a nice (albeit expensive) lunch at the popular
Court of Two Sisters. The food was good and the service was excellent,
despite being informed by our waiter at one point that: “Shit
happens.” (Who’s to argue? It does.)
lunch, it was time for a trolley ride. Unfortunately for me, however, time
was running short and I had to be airport-bound relatively soon. So
Jennie, the FreeX family, Scott and I returned to the hotel to regroup as
well as escape the unrelenting wrath of the perpetual rain. Lady FreeX had
to lay the Doctor down for his nap; Jennie, Scott and I relaxed in
Jennie’s suite and chatted about nothing in particular. Around six I
said my good-byes and caught a cab to the airport.
back at the experience, the first notion that comes to mind is to compare
the festivities to those at B-Fest. In all honesty, it would be unfair to
choose one event over the other; they both have their pros and cons. For
example, B-Fest is a cruel, twenty-four hour assault on the senses. NOWFF,
on the other hand, is only twelve hours of cinematic pain. But NOWFF
features the legendary Wooden Seats of Unforgiving Ass Paralysis. So in
the end, it all kinda evens out. (I cannot imagine sitting on NOWFF seats
through a marathon like B-Fest. It hurts just thinking about it.)
most importantly: Did I have a good time, and will I be back? On both
counts, an emphatic “yes.” NOWFF was a blast – the movies were
horrible; the event coordinators were friendly; and most importantly, my
travel companions are just great folks. And I’m not just saying that
because two of them sponsor my site. (Chris and Scott are quite
in summary, if you have yet to check out The New Orleans Worst Film
Festival, allow me to strongly urge you to do so. If not for the bad
movies, if not for the crazed atmosphere of the Big Easy, then simply for
the commemorative Stomp Tokyo cups.
Kelley. Commemorative cups. Uranus.
there more to life?
Bad Movie Report
Bad Movie Dimension
And if you'd like some more info on
The New Orleans Worst Film Festival, might I suggest:
It was in one these said traps where I picked up my treasured souvenir,
the “Cajun in Your Pocket.” My Pocket Cajun features six buttons, each
offering a soundbite of Louisiana wisdom (in an authentic Cajun voice, of
course). These clips range from “I love you like a pig loves corn!” to
the Cajun battle cry “Ai-yeeee!”
device is priceless.
I enjoyed torturing my friends in New Orleans, true joy is found when I
take my Pocket Cajun to work with me. Being that everyone has to carry a
walkie-talkie at the theater, I discovered that I can torture the entire
will you check the focus on #14?”
have to suck da head off dem crawfish!”
does that mean you’ll check #14?”