painful. misguided. hopeless. no adjective even comes close.

the martin short showairs weeknights at 11pm on ABC (for now).

I put myself through a four-day trial, just in case my instincts were wrong. It was supposed to go all this week, but wild horses with flaming torches up their rear could not get me to watch Martin Short again on Friday.

My Thursday night itinerary started with a double dose of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" which had me laughing my head off, then "Family Guy" and "Action!" which had me laughing my neck off, and "ER" which had the remaining parts of my body completely enraptured. Then I flipped between Jay and Dave to catch their monologues and bits. Martin Short came on after Ted Koppel, at the same time that Kevin Spacey and George Clooney walked on stage for the two best shows in Late Night. Effectively, Mr. Short had as much potential to follow that excellent TV diet as ... Pauly Shore.

Not only that, but once Martin Short started trotting out his guests, the other two real shows were featuring brand new musical performances by Joan Osborne, who hasn't released new material since 1994, and the Eurythmics, who haven't been together since the 1980's. Both performances were stellar, captivating, a once-in-a-lifetime coup for both Jay and Dave. The Martin Short Show opened with Mr. Short running through the audience singing (!) "Mack the Knife" badly.

A quick roundup of what's wrong with The Martin Short Show, which I won't even put into quotation marks since the term 'show' is used quite loosely and I don't want to legitimize what is doomed to be a two month run with a proper title:
The comedy is painfully dull, much like .... Pauly Shore.
The cohost is so sad and uncharismatic that I can't remember his name.
Kevin from the "Kids in the Hall" makes occasional appearances. You may remember Kevin as the least funny member of that troupe.
The stage and lighting look more like Regis & Kathy Lee than a late night show.
The sketches give away the obvious fact that Martin Short is only 30% of the mimic, actor, and comedian of anyone in show business, including Brooke Shields, but not including ... Pauly Shore.
Mr. Short keeps interrupting his guests, who don't have enough inspiration to even smile, much less tell a good story, anyway.
Mr. Short keeps dropping Steve Martin's name, as if to place himself in the category of a funny man. (This tactic is like Ed McMahon getting his own late night show and then mentioning Johnny Carson in every other sentence. Just grab a gun, aim at the temple, and pull the trigger. But first kill ... Pauly Shore.)

To illustrate how far off the pulse of America Martin Short is, I was watching him blather to his potato-head of a co-host about how spectacular (natch) the SNL 25th anniversary show was. Meanwhile (I was constantly flipping channels), Eric Idle was telling a joke to this effect: "What's the difference between a Saturday Night Live skit and life? Life ends." Eric Idle = funny. Martin Short = pandering ass-kisser.

Martin Short could be described as America's answer to Dudley Moore, which is the comedic equivalent of being Italy's answer to Saddam Hussein. (Which reminds me of when a friend mentioned that Yahoo Serious was Australia's answer to ... Pauly Shore.) Please, ABC, I'm begging you, get a *long-string-of-expletives-deleted* clue! Chevy Chase couldn't do it. Magic Johnson couldn't do it. Dana Carvey couldn't even get a shot at it. Why in God's holy name would Martin Short have a prayer of cracking the extremely competitive and talent-drenched late night market, especially at the awkward time slot that Short suffers through night after night? Are you all drunk over there? Does Martin Short have some compromising photos of Drew Carey licking Mickey Mouse's balls? Didn't they think about the poor critics who had to boldly go where no viewer would ever dare to tread? THIS is supposed to replace "Politically Incorrect"??? This is really a world of hurt here. Seeing Martin Short go down in flames like this only makes me wistfully recall his brilliant comedic performances such as ...

...

...

My mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say not to speak at all, so I'll have to come up with one compliment to justify the few hundred words I've already written.

The band is pretty good.

Now get Dr. Kevorkian out to ABC-land and hook The Martin Short Show up to the magic machine as you wave good-bye.

For the curious, I only mentioned Pauly Shore so many times because in the fish tank of entertaining talent, Mr. Shore is the scum that Mr. Short sucks off the very bottom of the tank, thereby leaving Ed Grimley a teeny bit of breathing space and dignity from which to run and hide.

And I promise never ever to be this mean again.

Date: October 1, 1999

Copyright © 1999 by Chris J. Magyar