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Volume 1: In which Madonna makes love to a television. |
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Next to bad film, my favorite entertainment medium is music. (Good music, that is.) After writing my last article for DOaT on Total Request Live, I found my appetite whetted for further ventures into the realm of music video. As far as critiquing goes, music videos are an oft-neglected art form. I find this negligence odd, for reviews of both music and film are commonplace; it seems a natural progression to combine the two.
Being said bad film fanatic, I find great joy in watching music videos. Sure, there are the occasional good ones, but it seems more often than not that music videos are either ridiculously bad or merely a showcase to stroke the artists' inflated ego. Either way, a good laugh is usually inherent. And if the video is tediously inept, you only have to wait three or four minutes until it's over. Perfect for the majority of us with a short attention span! So I say neglect no more! Music Video Meltdown will provide my forum to rant about videos from both today and yesteryear. And if I'm ever feeling saucy, there may be a Volume Two in the future. Let's get on with it already... Artist: Madonna Track: "Take a Bow" Album: Bedtime Stories
Plot Synopsis: Madonna is romantically entangled with a famous matador. While he is out touring the local arenas - killing bulls and such - Madonna stays at home and pines for his return (in various states of undress). Commentary: I'm confused - but before I jump to any conclusions, perhaps I should start off by analyzing the facts, then maybe we can piece this thing together. 1. Madonna is in love with a matador. 2. Due to his hectic touring schedule, the matador has hardly any time to spend with Madonna, and she feels somewhat neglected. 3. Knowing that idle hands are the Devil's workshop, Madonna passes the time alone writhing around in bed with her television (?). 4. Apparently, when the matador can spare five minutes to swing by the house, he likes to fool around a bit, then walk around barefooted on broken glass. Hmmm... Nope, I'm still confused.
Like the majority of the general population, I too find Madonna to be quite easy on the eyes. That's all fine and dandy, but I need a little more. The video is beautifully shot, and Madonna is unclad for a good portion of the proceedings, but for the most part, "Take a Bow" is pretentious drivel trying to feign importance, but ultimately ending up flat and befuddling. Just because a story is vague and ambiguous don't necessarily make it art. ---- Artist: Motley Crue Track: "Smokin' in the Boy's Room" Album: Theatre of Pain
Plot Synopsis: While on his way to school, Jimmy is accosted by a couple rather surly Doberman Pinschers. During the fray, the dogs make off with Jimmy's homework. At school, when interrogated about his lack of assignment, Jimmy looks like a fool when he tries to explain that the age-old cliche' has become a reality. The teacher, who is not amused with this seemingly far-fetched story, sends him directly to the Principal's (Michael Berryman!) office where Jimmy gets spanked with the "Board of Education" (wa-wah-wah-waaah!). Hurt and angry, Jimmy makes his way to the titular restroom where he is abducted by those rascals from Motley Crue and taken into a parallel universe to learn how not to be oppressed by The Man. Commentary: Filmed at the pinnacle of their success, this remake of the Brownsville Station (who?) classic was a huge hit for the Crue. Though it's always a hoot to see a Hair Band make a spectacle of themselves, the true scene-stealer of this particular endeavor is Michael Berryman. Motely Crue, The Hills Have Eyes, Beastmaster 2, Double Dragon -- is there anything this man can't do?
After learning all the fine points of anarchy, Jimmy returns to the real world only to once again be confronted by the Principal. But surprisingly, this time he's apologetic, after learning that Jimmy was, in fact, telling the truth about the dogs eating his homework. Instead of showing gratitude, however, Jimmy instead tears up his assignment and throws it in the Principal's face with a triumphant, "Maybe now you'll see my side of things!" This meets with a thumbs-up approval from the band, who then proceed to steal the Principal's wig (and the joke is then accentuated with Berryman wiggling his ears in surprise! Oh, my sides!). Classic Motley Crue. Monstrous hair, grotesque make-up, and assless pants. ---- Artist: Stone Temple Pilots Track: "Sour Girl" Album: No. 4
Plot Synopsis: Scott Weiland, lead singer of the band, likes to hang around in a surreal pasture with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. His bandmates, in turn, like to wander about the same pasture, but instead of Sarah Michelle Gellar, they pal around with deranged Teletubbies. Commentary: Are you familiar with the disenchanted stare that is a prerequisite before becoming the lead singer of an "alternative" rock band? It's that distant gaze where one looks up into the sky, but there appears to be nothing truly registering. I believe it was started with early alterna-rockers like Robert Smith of The Cure, but never truly perfected until Dolores O'Riordan of The Cranberries. This look, perhaps, can be attributed to the poetry in the artist's soul, the depth of their being, and the pain induced by a society that doesn't understand them. But in reality, it's probably the intravenous narcotics. Scott Weiland has "the look" down cold as he prances about the field with Buffy. And in all fairness, his bandmates more than hold up their disenchanted end as well with their cute 'n cuddly friends.
Whenever I see this video, I always imagine a conference call between the band, the producers, and the video director. Suddenly, in the midst of the brainstorming and negotiations, someone chimes in with, "I see a tapestry of colors. I see Scott running around shirtless with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I also see Teletubbies. Lots and lots of Teletubbies." A producer retorts, "I'm sorry, I just don't get it." "Oh, did I say Teletubbies? I meant evil Teletubbies!" "Good gawd, that's brilliant!" Yup. You can pretty much file this under the aforementioned pretentious drivel. ---- Artist: Lionel Richie Track: "Hello" Album: Can't Slow Down
Plot Synopsis: Lionel plays a drama teacher who happens to be in love with one of his students, a young blind woman. Commentary: Breaking from his normal schtick, Lionel turns the music industry on its ear with a tender love ballad! I'm kidding, of course. Like the majority of Richie's plethora of ballads, "Hello" is a sweet and gentle tune you're likely to hear in a dentist's lobby. But unlike the song itself, I find the theme of the video to be somewhat maniacal. It opens with Lionel providing tutelage to his drama class, but the remainder revolves around him constantly shadowing one of his students - an attractive, young blind woman. He's sneaks up behind her at lunch, at sculpting class, at the dance studio, in the halls -- you cannot escape the Richie! Lionel even calls her in the middle of the night and hangs up! There's a word for this, but it has absolutely nothing to do with love and affection. It's called "stalking." I've listened to this song several times (it's my Mom's tape, I swear!), and I personally can't detect any stalking themes in the lyrics, but I guess the director holds a very different interpretation, because sure enough, Lionel portrays a deranged stalker. And she's blind, for Pete's sake!
Anyway, despite Lionel's nefarious ways, it turns that the girl is in love with him as well, and surprises Richie with a hideous clay bust she made of his countenance. So not only does the video portray America's favorite balladeer as a stalker, but it also promotes the act. Stalk the ones you love and they will reciprocate that emotion eventually! Persistence pays off! Lionel needs to realize that being a celebrity, he also acts as a role model to our nation's youth. Though I respect him as an artist, I cannot condone his total disregard in the advocation of proper morals and behavior. Everybody knows that next to perhaps Michael Jordan, all kids want to grow up and be Lionel Richie. So ask yourself, is this a good image to portray to an entire nation of young hopefuls? Joe Bannerman knows quite well that most people under 20 won't get that "some Ritchie's watching me" joke. Date: 6/26/00 Copyright © 2000 by Joe Bannerman |
