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No green overall shorts, but plenty of crappy TV. |
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This past summer, Tuber columnist Joe Bannerman sent us the following diary entry, which we promptly ignored because we're lazy. Now, however, we present it for your reading pleasure.
I have now been in Germany for about a week and a half. Being immersed in the culture on a day-to-day basis — interacting with the locals, meandering about various small towns, minute villages and such — I have made several observations. First, the myths — some personal, and some sustained by friends and/or family (in no specific order): 1. The majority of the German populace do not sport green overall shorts with embroidered flowers on the suspenders and a jaunty feathered hat atop their heads. Said people also do not indulge in polka music while wearing the aforementioned uniform. Though the outfit can be considered traditional, I think the only place you’ll discover someone actual sporting this enticing ensemble is perhaps at the German equivalent of a renaissance festival.
2. German women (for the most part) shave. And sadly, most do not run around naked at the beach. This particular myth was frequently brought up by friends and family (male, naturally) whenever I mentioned my impending vacation. So, I feel it is my obligation to report: the women here are neither naked nor overly hairy. Now, I have seen a few topless Europeans during my travels in Switzerland, but most of which you’d wish would indulge in a T-shirt of some sort. I don’t know why, but it seems more often than not that the older women harbor the need to run amok while…um…"liberated." 3. The German people, as a whole, do not worship David Hasselhoff. I can honestly say that out of everyone I have had the pleasure of meeting during my travels so far none of them are such gluttons for punishment in terms of enduring the singing prowess of the former Baywatch star. There are no monuments to Dave in the center of Town Square. The German teens don’t cling to Hasselfhoff posters ripped out from "Der Tiger Beat." They do, however, listen to A-Ha; I have yet to figure this one out.
And now let’s move on to some facts (again, in no order of precedence): 1. The Germans love beer. Not crappy, watered-down American beer, mind you. I’m talking dark-as-night, thick-enough-to-chew German beer. And unlike a vast majority of us Yanks, they can actually handle their alcohol. One evening I watched a man drink what appeared to be half his body weight in Radeberger; The next morning, sitting around the breakfast table, I watched the same man down two more beers ("Clears the head," he claimed), then chase it with a foot-long bratwurst! Quick! Someone call the X-Men! 2. And in all fairness, a lot of the German people I have met also harbor some misconceptions about those who live in far-off lands — specifically, us. One of the most popular fallacies being: Americans are basically cowboys, eat McDonalds everyday (ok, no real argument here), and live in that majestic land depicted in the popular highway billboard sign — Marlboro Country! All I can say is, at least we don’t live in Newport Country. Having to deal with those perky "Alive with Pleasure" people on a daily basis would probably be a real nuisance. 3. Germans watch crappy television. Every time I turn on the TV, chances are pretty good that the featured show will be one of following three things: A talk show, a sports program, or a bad American film. The talk show. In all honesty, just how many good ones are there? Late night programming is decent, at best — I catch the occasional Conan O’Brien every now and then — but what about this putrid daytime crap-ola? The following is an actual talk show topic I caught just the other day: "My name is Ronnie, and I don’t care." No, this wasn’t about our decrepit former President; it featured several men - named Ronnie, naturally — who don’t like the titles bestowed upon them at birth by their loving mother. Seriously, can this be considered a burning issue? We appear to be scraping the very bottom of the relevant social topic barrel. Late night programming, though a bit better, is nothing to get too excited over either. The king of German late night is Total TV. Much like E!’s Talk Soup, Total TV is one hour devoted to recapping all the crap from their daytime counterparts. It’s hosted by Stefan Raab — think a smarmy Greg Kinnear mixed in with a little Craig Kilborn (that is, back when he hosted The Daily Show and was actually funny). One major difference between this show and Talk Soup, however, is a zinger during the show’s finale called the "Shocker of the Week." This consists of a caught-on-camera video clip depicting some form of physical trauma. The episode I caught featured a skateboarder falling from his transport and breaking his arm. Not a minor fracture, mind you — the targeted appendage completely twists the wrong way and the bone actually bursts through the skin! All in graphic detail for our viewing enjoyment. They then repeated the clip in slow-motion — you know, just in case we missed it. Now that’s entertainment!
Sports. What can I say? In America we have the tedium of baseball, football and hockey. In Europe, it’s soccer and auto racing. I hate the lot of them. The bad American film. You know, saying that out loud it almost seems redundant. Being an informal ambassador to the United States, it truly grieves me that every time I happen to catch a film on German television it turns out to be a turd that should’ve been safely detained within our domestic borders. To date I’ve seen: Maximum Overdrive; two Police Academy films; and finally, John Hughes’ Some Kind of Wonderful (which, admittedly, is a guilty pleasure of mine - but the 80’s fashion depicted paints a scary picture of American culture). Now, if I were in charge of selecting what films were to be exported to foreign nations, I would think of it as burying a time capsule. How would we want to be remembered? As the society that produced Goodfellas, or a group of imbeciles who deified the likes of Emilio Estevez?
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we must discuss the German sex film. This term may be somewhat misleading, for not all the movies are German-made. What I’m referring to is the fact that Germany (along with the majority of Europe) allows nudity in their everyday programming. Granted, Emmanuelle Goes to Tunisia doesn’t run after Teletubbies on Sunday morning - but the fact remains, it does get shown. Unedited! No, we’re not talking porno here, but for a (childish) Puritan/American like myself, it’s a pretty big deal! Even those late night phone sex ads feature some skin! For free! If I lived in Europe, gone would be the days where I’d spend hours on end watching a scrambled Spice Channel for that oh-so-brief clear two second breast shot. (Not that I do that, or anything.) Sadly, the novelty of unabashed nudity does wear thin after a while. Perhaps it’s the lack of adrenaline of seeing something we’re (apparently) not supposed to that extinguishes the flame. I don’t know. The only real censorship I’ve noticed here is some excised violence. So in America we cut out the naughty bits, but leave the blood and guts; in Europe it’s exactly vice versa. Hmmm, there’s an interesting ethical question stuck in there somewhere. So in conclusion, it’ll be quite a relief to return home and reacquaint myself with the television programming I’ve grown accustomed to. Free from the thoughtless drivel of moronic talk shows focusing on inane drivel. Free from brainlessness of Maximum Overdrive and Bobcat Goldthwaitedness of Police Academy. Free from the comedic-stylings of Steve Guttenberg. Free from… Hey, wait a minute… Date: 11/21/00 Copyright © 2000 by Joe Bannerman |
