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8 « July « 2008 « My God, It's Full of Nerds!

Archive for July 8th, 2008

California Calamity Update

Today is the day. So far, San Diego still exists.

I mentioned in my post a couple days ago that I didn’t think that site was a joke. I still don’t. I can’t imagine a normal person putting in that kind of effort or being able to simulate insanity quite so well.

The Resistance, on the other hand, I’m not so sure. This guy made some ripples a few months back by complaining that the old-timey Starbucks logo they were putting on some their cups was turning him on too much. I read some of his book, and I think he may be a put on. It’s just on the edge of being parody.

KFT/004 High Risk (1995)

“I’d like to go over the checklist of things we’re going to need to steal the Czar’s jewels from the penthouse of the skyscraper.”

“Sure, boss.”

“How are we on personnel?”

“We got a 150 faceless and interchangeable thugs, but they’ve been carefully briefed to make sure no one will ever see more than 10 of them at a time. But if shooting starts they’ll all jump out of every corner and take a couple of bullets in the chest just for the heck of it. They won’t die hard.”

“Why did you say those last two words like that?”

“No reason.”

“Who else do we have?”

“We also have the computer expert, who will be the only person wearing glasses, and our main thug is obsessed with beating up a certain movie star. I’m sure that last one won’t be a liability.”

“Weapons?”

“We’ve got lots of machine guns, and those pistols with hexagonal cartridges on top. One guy is bringing his 7.62mm machinegun. A few machetes. Also, two flame throwers. Oh, and everyone has pistols.”

“Okay. Wait, what was that?”

“Everyone has pistols.”

“Before that. Did you say flame throwers?”

“Sure.”

“Do we need flame throwers? It’s a hotel! We aren’t going to be clearing brush or busting bunkers.”

“What if someone drives a car into the lobby elevator, rides it up the penthouse, and starts trying to run us over? Flame thrower might be useful then. At the very least when the car catches on fire it will look really cool going off the balcony and falling to the street.”

“You have a point. Anything else?”

“One more thing. The bill for the snakes came today, and they want us to pay before the job.”

“SNAKES? Why do we have snakes? Is Samuel L. Jackson going to be up there?”

“No, but one of our main thugs thought we might want to have a bag full of snakes. The guy at the store even threw in a free monitor lizard, so it seemed like a pretty good deal.”

“Okay, okay. The planning here has been a little rocky, but so long as the nothing really unlikely happens, like some special forces guy whose family I blew up a couple years ago happening to be in the building, I’m sure it will go fine.”

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Jet Li is really into game shows.

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“Oh, I’m get it. I’m supposed to be Jackie Chan!”

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No matter what some fantasy-prone foot fetishist on Wikipedia thinks, this woman is wearing shoes.

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The sophisticated comedy Wong Jing is known for.

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My advice: Tip the bellhops.

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Parking in the city is tough.

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“These snakes are paying for themselves!”

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“Now I’m Bruce Lee? I’m so confused!”

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Jet Li promised High Risk would be his last Wong Jing film, but he lied about that too.