Random Thoughts On Pop Culture by Scott Hamilton

Is This What Godzilla 2012 Will Look Like?

Jul 25

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Movies, Stomp Tokyo | No Comments

I haven’t see anything about it yet from the sites I using to follow San Diego Comic-Con, but these augmented reality shirts are at the convention from Legendary Studios and Talking Dog Studios.

You can try out the augmented reality effect at home by visiting this web page.

Here’s a better look at the picture. Is this representative of how Godzilla will look in the new movie?

The design pictured is quite similar, in fact, almost identical, to the one used in the two most recent Godzilla movies, Godzilla X Mechagodzilla and Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. The long, semi-hooded neck, small head, prominent ears, and irregular, almost crystalline back spikes are all the same. It makes me wonder if this is just a place-holder design based on the most recent Japanese design. As far as I know Legendary hasn’t even announced a director yet. Maybe that’s happening later today.

Godzilla vs. Arkansas

Jul 23

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Stomp Tokyo | 1 Comment

This is what I call a worthwhile hobby.

Wolfguy: Enraged Lycanthrope (1975)

Jul 18

Posted by Scott Hamilton in DVD | 2 Comments

"Hello, I'm Sonny Chiba, and I'll be making all your dream come true."

First, the important information: Sonny Chiba is Team Jacob.

There are so few actually obscure movies left these days. Nearly every movie of any cult interest has now been released on DVD, reviewed on a zillion websites (sometimes by me), and probably lined up for a remake somewhere in the world. Wolfguy: Enraged Lycanthrope is the exception, a movie that has made an admirable attempt to fall down the memory hole despite an instantly exploitable premise: Sonny Chiba as a werewolf.

Wolfguy was made in the midst of the Japanese exploitation boom, and features all the blood, boobs, and karate fights the genre required. The plot, such as it is, was made by taking all the conventions of Japanese detective/yakuza movies and putting them in a blender, then spreading the chunky results over 90 minutes. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s possible the version I saw was missing some scenes, but then again, it’s entirely possible it wasn’t.

Chiba plays a man called Inugami. He’s the last survivor of a hidden werewolf clan that was wiped out by Japanese villagers when he was a boy. Inugami doesn’t change into a wolf or anything so gauche. On the fifteenth day of the lunar cycle (full moon?) he gains Wolverine-level healing powers and perhaps some extra strength and agility. The rest of them time he still seems to be pretty hardy, and he may have enhanced senses. But we don’t find any of this out until well into the movie, and it doesn’t have much do with how the plot is set in motion.

In the movie’s first scene we see man in a fancy white suit running for his life throughout the streets of a Japanese city. Inugami happens on the scene, and follows the man dawn an alley. There he witnesses the man in the white suit get torn apart by an unseen tiger! Inugami discusses this bizarre event with his only friend, Arai. Arai is a reporter (one line of dialogue suggests Inugami may be one too, but he never acts like it), and he quickly determines that the dead man was a member of rock band called The Mob. Moreover, two other members of the band have already died under similarly bizarre circumstances.

Inugami and Arai track down the last member of The Mob, who is living on the streets. He’s terrified, and he spills that The Mob was ordered by someone to rape an up-and-coming singer named Miki Ogata. Miki got syphilis and is now working at two-bit strip clubs. The last Mob member is sure that Miki has somehow cursed him. The interrogation is interrupted, however, when local yakuza thugs show up.

Inugami fights the thugs, but is shot in the process. He’s rescued by a woman on motorcycle, who takes Inagumi to her apartment. The apartment features a bedroom with mirrored walls and a heart-shaped rotating bed, and Inugami and the woman, Katie, stare into each other’s eyes for minutes on end and talk about the importance of being married before they have sex.

Sonny Chiba has a name for when this happens: Tuesday.

Just kidding! Katie talks about how much she wants to have sex with a man who smells like an animal, licks blood from Inugami’s gunshot wound, and then they have hot monkey sex.

The movie then cuts to Inugami in a restaurant, eating meatloaf. Arai joins him at the table and tell Inugami that it was the head of Manabe music group who ordered Miki raped, but he’s not sure why.

Inugami dons his best green velvet suit jacket (and if you think that’s his only green velvet suit jacket, you don’t know Sonny Chiba circa 1975) and heads out to the two-bit strip club where Miki is performing songs about tigers to an audience that throws stuff at her because she keeps her clothes on. He tries to talk to Miki backstage, but he’s interrupted by more yakuza thugs. The thugs take Inugami and Miki to a hideout, where they have Arai prisoner as well. We find out that the yakuza have addicted Miki with heroin, and when the thugs try to kill Inagumi he retaliates by throwing coins at them, with deadly results. Then Miki’s phantom tiger kills the last member of The Mob (who the yakuza also brought along), and the rest of the yakuza flee. Inugami is so into karate chopping fleeing yakuza that he barely noticed that Arai was killed. Luckily Arai left behind a notebook which explains that Miki was engaged to a politician’s son, so the Manabe music group and the yakuza were acting on the politician’s behalf to make sure his son didn’t marry someone too far beneath him. Ah, the music-political complex, that unbreakable cabal ruling Japan.

Inugami takes Miki to her apartment and watches over her. She tries to seduce him, then passes out. Later Inugami visits the head of the Manabe Music Group and tells him to watch out. That night Inugami is attacked in his apartment and captured by the “JCIA,” a secret organization looking for ways to make paranormal assassins. Katie, it turns out, is a member. The JCIA also kidnaps Miki, so every character in the movie is back in one place. Eventually the JCIA’s surgeons cut Inagumi open for some reason and leaves his guts hanging out, but they do that on the night of the full moon, so his entrails pull back into his body and he escapes his cell. On his way out Inugami is attacked by a JCIA agent who has been enhanced to Wolfguy status with transfusions of Inugsmi’s own blood. The fight isn’t very long, however, because Inugsmi’s blood is poisonous to humans, so… that all led nowhere. Oh, and Katie helped Inugami escape for no particular reason other than he’s a good lay, and she gets shot to death for her trouble.

Boy, that's one secret organization.

Free, Inugami returns to the one place the JCIA would probably look for him (wait, what?), the rural village where the wolf people used to live before being wiped out by the local humans. There Inugami meets a young woman named Taka, which just happened to be Inugami’s mother’s name. Taka explains that her mother idolized the wolf people, and that’s why she’s named after Inugami’s mother. Now that any relationship might have is tainted with weird incest overtones they get on to having sex with each other. Their happiness is short-lived, though, because some time later the JCIA shows up looking for Inugami, and they have the brain-washed Miki and her phantom tiger in tow. So long as they don’t attack Inugami on the 15th day of the lunar cycle they have a chance… so of course they attack on the 15th day of the lunar cycle despite every indication that they know that would be very bad idea.

I’m led to believe this movie was based on a comic book, which may be why the movie is so episodic and Inugami’s wolfiness is played down early on. I can’t seem to find anything about the original manga, but I did find a remake of it from a few years ago where Inugami is a high school student. In the new manga Inugami explicitly turns into a hulking wolfman on the nights of the full moon, assuming he takes enough damage, which I guess he always does because he’s constantly being beaten up by rape gangs. I’m curious as to whether the original manga features Inagumi as a wolfman, or if the movie is accurate in having Inugami just be kind of macho. It’s more than a little disappointing, though, to keep talking about how Sonny Chiba is a werewolf and never getting to see him transform, or do anything more exciting than heal. Just some claws would have been nice, and added a little more similarity to a certain comic book character.

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Proposed Doctor Who Figures

Jul 11

Posted by Scott Hamilton in TV | 1 Comment

I can’t help but feel like the first wave of Character Options’ series 5 Doctor Who figures are lacking. The figure selections are a little bizarre, even. Bracewell, from “Victory of the Daleks”? Hawethorne? I had to look it up to figure out that he was a old guy in a hoodie from “The Beast Below.” I know that traditionally female characters don’t sell as well in the action figure world, but wouldn’t Liz 10 make a much more interesting figure, both visually and because she actually did something in the story?

Here are my humble suggestions for what figures Character Options should make for the remainder of series 5.

Kiss-a-gram Amy Pond



In-Her-Nightie-On-A-Spaceship Amy Pond



Bachelor Party Rory



The Facing Death as a Peruvian Folk Band boxset



''Fezzes are cool'' Doctor



The Dream Lord with condescending action



Krafayis deluxe figure



Dressed for Rio Amy Pond



Not-Felicia Day



Surprisingly Revealing Pantsuit River Song



Plastic Roman Rory, preferably with the Pandorica

The Big Bang and the Time After

Jul 5

Posted by Scott Hamilton in TV | 6 Comments

Saving the universe, one dirty floor at a time

It’s been a week since the Doctor Who finale, “The Big Bang,” aired, so I think now’s a good time to see how well we did with our speculations of a week ago.

I think we have to get a grade of Incomplete, because the mystery that I found most interesting was not addressed at all. We didn’t find out who the Big Bad was. At the very end of the episode the Doctor wondered aloud what “The Silence” was and why the TARDIS was lured back to explode at that particular moment. Steven Moffat has already said that “The Silence” (plural) and River Song’s story will be central to next season.

I loved how “The Big Bang” tied the whole series together thematically around Amy’s wedding. That she was running from her wedding seemed like a bit of cheap character motivation in the first two episodes, but now we know it was significant and wonderfully complicated.

Perhaps the biggest mystery involving Amy that’s still left unanswered is why she doesn’t recognize Daleks and Cybermen. Now we know that the phenomenon isn’t restricted to just Amy. Rory doesn’t seem to recognize the Cyberman he killed in “The Pandorica Opens.” Assuming that it isn’t a mistake, I would guess that the Big Bad has in some way wiped the memory of the recent alien invasions from the collective memory of humanity, or that Leadworth is a fake town created by the Big Bad. I lean towards the latter, if only because I don’t see any compelling reason to return to the days of two or three invasions/evacuations of London per year, but people still being incredulous when the Doctor says there are aliens.

More than likely the next River Song story will be about how she meets the Doctor for the first time. What an odd paradox, that the Doctor and River never meet for the first time at the same time. In some sense that makes their friendship impossible, because it has no beginning. I liked the explanation given in the Big Finish plays that Rassilon had used the Eye of Harmony to create a universe free of paradox at the same time he invented time travel, at least that explained why the Timelords always seemed to meet each other in the right order. It wasn’t very convincing, of course, as any time travel story immediately creates paradoxes, but it did keep things simple from a story point of view.

So River Song will meet the Doctor, and for the first time he’ll know more about her than she does about him. That will be interesting. I’m going to speculate that she’s more than human, judging from the fact that she remembered the Doctor even after he was removed from the timeline.

The other big mystery with River Song is who she will kill to be imprisoned in the Stormcage Facility. The way-too obvious candidate would be the Doctor himself (though why would killing the Doctor be a crime?), but with all this wedding stuff going on I can’t help but wonder if the future corpse will be whoever is the “best man” (in River’s words) at any possible wedding the Doctor is involved in. If it turns out the Doctor is getting married, the obvious best man would be Rory… But would they really kill off Rory again? As a friend of mine pointed out, Adric they just killed. Rory they killed twice in three episodes and wiped him from existence. Killing him again would be piling it on.

Fossils of the Neverwere

Another observation: It’s funny that when the entire universe was wiped out the Autons, Cybermen, Daleks and Sontarans left behind were turned into statues. Could this perhaps be an explanation for what the Weeping Angels are? (The Doctor earlier said they were a product of evolution, but he could be wrong. Most everything he said about the Angels in “Blink” has been contradicted to some extent.) Will there be some angelic alien race next season who get wiped out and leave statues behind that are later reanimated? And I suppose that if any alien race can be described with the word “Silence” it would be the Weeping Angels.

But I’m still hoping for the Celestial Toymaker.

One last note. For all the kevetching about how the new candy-coloured Daleks were in so many colours just to sell more action figures, Character Options has been very stingy with the Dalek figures. There’s a red Dalek out now, and an orange Dalek will be a SDCC exclusive later this month, and that’s it. I hope they will cover all the colors, and hopefully throw a stone Dalek in there too.

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Christmas in July, Godzilla style

Jul 1

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Stomp Tokyo | 1 Comment

It’s July, so new Christmas ornaments should be out at American Greetings stores. And in a tradition that is as awesome as it is inexplicable, there’s a new Godzilla ornament.

As always, manufactured by Carlton Cards. This is Godzilla from Godzilla vs. Destroyah, and I’m sure that the glowing patches light up in a festive fashion. Nothing says “Christmas” quite like a giant nuclear behemoth destroying Singapore.

Godzilla is Back! In Pachinko Form!

Jul 1

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Stomp Tokyo | No Comments

This is pachinko. Dear Jeebus, how many rules can it have? I’ve played Xbox games less complex.

The monsters in the live action footage are an odd mix of old costumes. Godzilla appears to be from Godzilla vs. Megaguirus, the Ghidorah is the one from Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidora: All Monsters Attack (looking pretty raggedy), and Gigan and Anguirus are from Godzilla: Final Wars. Even if it is accidental they’ve put together the gang from Godzilla vs. Gigan, but with Anguirus fighting on the wrong side.

(Thanks to Patrick Macias for finding this)

OK, You Win

Jun 28

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Really Random | No Comments

This has go to be the strangest crime story from the last couple of years.

Back in 2009 a human rights lawyer in Guatemala was murdered, which is not that unusual. What was a little unexpected was that the lawyer in question had left behind a tape in which he predicted he would be killed on the orders of Guatemala’s President. It all sounded a little too much like something out of a conspiracy thriller. In the months following it developed that the lawyer had contracted his own killing. You can read the latest developments here.

Space Battleship Yamato, in Live Action

Jun 28

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Movies | No Comments

Two Video Games with Nothing in Common

Jun 25

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Video Games | 3 Comments

First up is the upcoming PS3 game Ni no Kuni, coming next year. The games look was designed by Studio Ghibli, and it’s completely gorgeous.

And somehow Roger Ebert will still claim it isn’t art.

Our second video game is Naughty Bear, which, well… Just watch.

Finally, a phone capable of reaching Yuggoth

Jun 24

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Really Random | 4 Comments

Because Florida doesn’t have enough problems

Jun 22

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Really Random, Stomp Tokyo | 4 Comments

Found on CNN’s iReport site.

The Pandorica Opens and the Longest Week Starts

Jun 21

Posted by Scott Hamilton in TV | 16 Comments

Last night the penultimate episode of series five of Doctor Who, with new Doctor Matthew Smith. If you’re watching the series and you’re not up to episode 12, please be warned there will be many, many spoilers from this point. Big honkin’ spoilers, sometimes about the lack of ducks.

I’ve really enjoyed the season so far. Matthew Smith’s doctor is odd and funny, and always fun to watch. Karen Gillan as Amy Pond is easily one of favorite companions ever, gorgeous and vivacious. The chemistry between the two is perfect.

“The Pandorica Opens” acts as a capstone for the current series. From the pre-credits sequence where we follow a lost Van Gogh painting travel though the hands of several characters who we’ve seen this season to the “alliance” of every alien race who hates the Doctor, there’s a lot to reward someone who’s watched the entire series. There are even some shout-outs to old school continuity, with the Draconians, Terileptils, Zygons and Drahvins being mentioned among the alien races coming to capture the Pandorica. By the time the first part of the two-part finale ends the most obvious question has been answered (the Pandorica is opened and we find out there’s nothing inside) and we’ve seen a collection of every alien costume the BBC still had lying around, yet we are left with so many more questions. Time for speculation! Speculation that look completely idiotic a week from now when “The Big Bang” airs! But we speculate anyway! Everything that follows is the result of either my own silly ideas or ones that were gleaned from discussions with my friends Joel and Jyo.

Despite the alliance of rubber costumes locking the Doctor in the Pandorica there seems to be an as yet unseen Big Bad truly responsible for the TARDIS’s destruction. At minimum the Big Bad appears to have hijacked the TARDIS when River tried to pilot it to Stonehenge, made it land at Amy’s house next Saturday, and in some fashion arranged for it to blow up, thereby causing the destruction of the entire universe. When the TARDIS lands at the fatal location we hear a voice say “Silence will fall!” Who is this Big Bad? We don’t have much to go on, but I’ll list a few possibilities, and the arguments pro and con for each one.

- Davros. The voice that says “Silence will fall!” sounds a bit like Davros. In “The Stolen Earth” Davros had developed technology that could destroy the entire universe. But would he? Davros wanted to destroy the entire universe except the Daleks, and he couldn’t control a TARDIS remotely.

- Rassilon. Seems a little early to have Rassilon back, and the voice wasn’t Timothy Dalton. Rassilon is probably crazy enough to destroy the universe, and he could control the TARDIS, so he’s got to be considered a possibility.

- Omega. Another Timelord, this one quite insane and trapped in the anti-matter universe. He certainly could do everything the Big Bad has done, but he hasn’t been mentioned in the new series.

- The Celestial Toymaker, my personal favorite candidate. He’s a villain who appeared in a single story back in 1966, though the Doctor recognized the Toymaker at the beginning of the story, and at the end of the story the Doctor was oddly adamant that he would have to face the Toymaker again. The Toymaker was insane and capable of creating his own universe, so destroying the current universe wouldn’t be out of the question. He was certainly capable of hijacking the TARDIS. I don’t know why he would want silence in particular, but I could argue there was a game-like quality to the Stonehenge trap. He would be an obscure villain to resurrect, especially since three of the four episodes he’s appeared in are lost.

- The Black Guardian. Supremely powerful, evil, and has a history of using ginger-headed companions against the Doctor. Also wears a bird on his head.

- Satan from “The Satan Pit.” He’s probably pretty pissed about being dropped in a black hole.

- The Doctor himself. This is the favorite theory of Joel and Jyo. The idea here is that the Doctor spends millennia inside the Pandorica and when he comes out he’s a lot less nice than he used to be. There have been some hints this season about the Doctor’s darkness, particularly in “Amy’s Choice.” I don’t really buy this one. I think the Doctor will escape the Pandorica immediately.

How will the Doctor escape the Pandorica? At the beginning of “The Pandorica Opens” River Song acquires a vortex manipulator “off the wrist of a handsome Time Agent.” A vortex manipulator is the time travel device of choice of Time Agents Captain Jack Harkness and Captain John Hart, so the it could be from either of them. Later in the episode we see the vortex manipulator sitting on the Pandorica dais as the Doctor is working, and finally we see the Doctor slip something in his pocket when he’s talking to Rory. The Doctor used the same trick to escape the Futurekind at the end of “Utopia,” but I suppose if something works once it can work again.

With the Doctor free to travel in time without the TARDIS we’ll no doubt see him go back to some previous episodes and start meddling. A second Doctor can be seen in Amelia’s house in “The Eleventh Hour” when Amelia goes outside to wait for the TARDIS to return, and it was almost certainly a second Doctor who told Amy to “remember what I told you when you were seven” when she was forced to keep her eyes closed in the forest on the Byzantium. (The tell is that the Doctor is wearing his coat, which he lost several scenes earlier.) There is no obvious thing that the Doctor said to Amelia that the older Amy would need to remember, so presumably the Doctor tells it to Amelia after his earlier self has already left her. Timey-wimey, indeed.

The other big mystery is why, as the Doctor observes, Amy’s life doesn’t make any sense. The Doctor reveals that the real reason he took Amy with him was because he noticed that it didn’t make sense that she lived in such a large house by herself. The implications now is that Amy used to live with a much larger family, but they all got eaten by the crack and therefore “never existed” is the same way as Rory. Of course, this version of “never existed” is a not exactly ironclad or complete. Rory still appears in photos and left the ring behind, and if Amy’s father was consumed by the crack then Amy shouldn’t exist either. I assume that Amy’s mother died before the crack because Amelia definitely remembers her and her produce presentation skills. Or perhaps the large family Amelia was living with was directly related to her aunt by marriage, and Amelia had been orphaned years before. I suspect one way or another we’ll find out on Saturday.

Another possibility, albeit an unlikely one, is that Amy Pond is not a real person. Perhaps she is an Auton, or some other creation of the Big Bad. Following this through, perhaps all of Leadworth is fake, which the Doctor subconsciously noticed when he demanded to know how Amy knew it was a duck pond if there were no ducks. The fake Amy/Leadworth theory would explain why Amy didn’t know about Daleks or Cybermen.

Now for the lightning round. Each of these is just a quick question.

What were those strange burns on the lawn in front of Amy’s house when River arrives there? From the shape they could be Daleks landing. The shape is closer to the Bling Daleks of seasons 1 – 4, as opposed to the new, rounder Candy Daleks. Or perhaps those shapes were left by the Big Bad?

Who is River to the Doctor? Theories have been all over the place, from the Doctor’s future wife, to his mother, to the Rani, to Romana, to a future Doctor. At the end of The Pandorica opens she does call the Doctor “my love,” so I guess “wife” is now the frontrunner.

Why do the alliance aliens think only the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS? Obviously that isn’t true, as several other people have piloted the TARDIS, and two other just this season. Is that just a mistake on their part, or did the Big Bad lie to them to get them to go along with his plan?

Why did River Song tell the Doctor to meet her in Roman Britain near Stonehenge, which just happened to be where the Pandorica was? I suspect that this plot hole probably has an explanation that was cut for time, like that the coordinates were also part of Van Gogh’s painting, or that River had independently located the Pandorica to that general area.

Who did River kill to be put in the Stormcage Containment Facility? “The Pandorica Opens” starts with her there, so that’s a story we’ll have to wait for.

Who lost their arm? Jack Harkness or John Hart?

Who are all those spaceships? Daleks, Sontarans, Judoon and Atraxi are easy enough to spot. There is another very prominent ship seen in many shots, but I’m pretty sure it’s not one we’ve seen before. There’s also a gold-ish organic sphere that I like to think is the Zygons.

That’s it. Now all that’s left is the waiting. The tortuous waiting.

Just When I Thought I Couldn’t Hate a Character Any More

Jun 14

Posted by Scott Hamilton in DVD | No Comments

A couple days ago I watched Tidal Wave, a South Korean disaster movie. From the title you can figure out more or less the whole plot: a series of tsunami hit a Korean resort town. There’s also a focus on nautical rescues by helicopter, as seen in The Perfect Storm. It’s not a very good movie, mostly because the characters are completely unlikable. It’s a bit like The Host, the Korean monster movie from a few years back, in that the kind of people who would be comic relief in a regular movie are the central characters of this movie. Though I liked The Host very much, there were a few points where I thought the broad slapstick was a bit much. In Tidal Wave the worst parts of The Host are magnified several times. I counted 14 main characters in Tidal Wave, and fully eight of them are comic relief. After an hour of these characters bickering and prat-falling I was rooting for the tsunami to come and kill them all. That’s not the worst part, though. I guess that being the comic relief in a Korean film makes you kill-proof, because none of them died. Only sincere (or mean) characters died.

At one point the movie does feature a bit Michael Baysian excess, where a huge cargo ship ends up sticking out of the water by its prow, propped up by a bridge. Then one of the comic relief characters drops a cigarette into a pool of fuel on the bridge and blows up the entire ship and bridge up — but he survives.

I thought I couldn’t hate the characters any more, but the Blu-Ray of the movie includes extras, and I decided to check out the gag reel, or “NG” as I’ve always seen it listed on Korean DVDs. (“No Good,” maybe?) The first segment of the gag reel shows one of the adult actors accidentally hitting one of the child actors too hard in the face, then continuing with the scene as the child cries and curls up in a ball. That’s when I stopped watching. It was one thing when I wanted the characters to die in a crushing torrent of water, but now I wanted the actors to die that way too.

Eurovision – And the Winner is….

May 31

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Eurovision | No Comments

Here it is, the best song Europe could muster, “Satellite” by Lena! This song is so staunchly anti-feminist I assume it will be featured on the soundtrack to the upcoming The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Eurovision 2010 Ends Tomorrow

May 28

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Eurovision | 1 Comment

It just came to my attention that the Eurovision Song Contest finishes up tomorrow. I thought I’d take a look at some of the songs that were in this year’s competition. This isn’t every song, just the ones that I found noteworthy (read, funny).

First up, Armenia, with a song that informs us that the country is littered with apricots. “I see the northern stars shining brightly in the storm”? Does she see in radio waves or something? Also, if you’re trying to grow trees by seeding frozen ground, you’re doing it wrong.

The next two videos, from Iceland and Ireland respectively, perhaps reflect the influence of Susan Boyle on western Europe. They both feature surprisingly unglamorous women singing soulful songs. One could argue that the song from Iceland also reveals that the corruption to humanity’s collective soul that was ABBA is also still going strong.

This next song has the following three phrases associated with it: “Gjoko Taneski,” “FYR Macedonia,” and “Jas Ja Imam Silata.” Your guess is as good as mine as to which is the country, which is the artist, and which is the title. The video for this song appears to have been shot in Tyra Banks’ subconscious, with guest appearances by the less attractive European cousins of Billy Joel and Justin Timberlake. Oh, and when did Keanu Reeves switch from bass to lead guitar?

I’m card-carrying, Doctor Who-watching, comic book-reading, vinyl-figure collecting, all-around nerd of the highest order, but even I want to give the first male singer in the following clip a wedgie.

Aquaman’s homeland of Finland decided to try the oldest trick in the book: A woman playing polka on an accordion while wearing an evening dress. C’mon Finland, try a little originality.

Latvia’s video is a heart-wrenching portrayal of the existential horror that comes with being stunningly beautiful. Sure, she’s gorgeous, but she doesn’t know why people live until they die! And she has to call God by his more formal title of “Mr. God.” (I guess God never finished his stint at medical school.)

Is there a male equivalent to Edie Brickell? In Belgium there is.

Fun fact: “Lako je sve” is Croatioan for “One for the Foot Fetishists.” The video is a pretty boring. Leeching all the color out and and using red spot color? That’s so trite.

Estonia decided to go the “Good Old Fashioned Nightmare Fuel” route with their video.

Some people are theorizing that the performer in Switzerland’s video may just be gay, what with the muscle shirts, the metallic jackets, leather pants, Flock of Seagulls haircut, and, oh yeah, they shot him with a rainbow filter. But I’m more concerned with the golden shower 51 seconds in.

Is “Eastern European Funk” an oxymoron? You’re one kazoo solo from the answer to that question.

“Attention America. This is Sun Stroke Project. We’ve traveled here from the 1980s and we’re holding Pink hostage in Moldova. We demand more LEDs and more seasons of Miami Vice on DVD so we can get more fashion tips.”

Next up, Abby Holland and the Jason Woodrue dancers!

The lyrics to this song from Slovenia? I’m going to amuse myself by imagining they’re exactly the same as “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

Denmark brings yet another ABBA tribute band to the contest.

This is France’s entry. Yes, that France.

Is Liza Minelli still alive? I just want to make sure she wasn’t reincarnated in Malta.

Could the singer in this Greek entry look any more uncomfortable during the opening dance bit?

That’s it until next year. Stay cheesy, Europe.

Kamen Rider Decade/004 “Second Movement ♬ Prince Kiva”

May 24

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Kamen Rider, Kamen Rider Decade | 1 Comment

When I left off Tsukasa, Natsumi, and Grandpa had just been transported to a new world. Tsukasa mysteriously recognizes a building in the distance. It’s the sort of manor house/castle with a dragon sticking out of it we saw flying around in the “Rider War” part of the first episode, but it’s embedded in the top of a skyscraper. Tsukasa knows he’s in “Kiva’s world,” and now he’s in the disguise of a violin player.

We also find out at the outset of the episode that Yuusuke (Kamen Rider Kuuga) has also been transported to this same world, but by an alien-bat-robot thing he calls “Kivaara.”

Rather than give a blow by blow of the whole episode, I’ll just recount the set-up of this world as I understand it. Not much really happens in this episode, other than to establish the world.

In Kiva’s world humans and the monsters co-exist peacefully. The monsters are called “Fangires,” and their looks are based on stain glass and classical European sculpture. Add in the importance of classical music and this whole world is very provincially European, though still in Japan. The Fangires is beginning to get restless, though, because the position of ruler of their kind has been vacant for years. The inheritor of the throne should be Wataru, a little kid who also happens to be Kamen Rider Kiva, but he doesn’t want the position for some reason. Also, Wataru wears a cravat, and has his own alien-bat-robot thing.

Tsukasa witness a Fangire chasing a human woman, and transforms into Kamen Rider Decade. Decade easily defeats the monster, but Wataru witnesses the fight and transforms into Kamen Rider Kiva when he hears the name “Decade.” Decade and Kiva fight, while Stupid Hat Man and the little alien-bat-robot thing that transported Yuusuke look on. Then Kivaara bites Stupid Hat Man’s finger (Kiva’s alien-bat-robot thing does a similar thing to make Kiva transform) and we don’t see him for the rest of the episode.

Kiva’s somewhat odd power is that he can plug little modules into his belt and call monsters from his castle to him, but they appear as weapons he can wield. So he calls a green monster and he gets a gun, or a purple monster and he gets a hammer. For his part Decade transforms in Kuuga!

Interesting, confusing, it’s all the same thing.

The fight between Decade and Kiva is broken up by Yuusuke, who arrived a couple weeks before Tsukasa and has been working as a “Guard” for Wataru. Yuusuke explains over fondue that he’s decided that his mission is to help Wataru.

The second half of the episode reveals that there’s a Fangire running around turning people into glass. While investigating this Tsukasa meets a sad Fangire who was once in love with a human woman, but it didn’t end well.

On his way home Tsukasa is intercepted by Kivaara, who tells him that he’s on this world to destroy it. Then Kivaara transports Tsukasa to a sports stadium (wa-huh?) and he’s confronted by a another Rider. The other Rider wants Decade’s belt. They shoot at each other for a bit.

Back at Wataru’s castle a large Fangire breaks in and attacks Wataru, saying he wants the Kiva armor. The episode ends there.

The Golden Age of Crap Now Available

May 12

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Books | 1 Comment

My friend Nathan Shumate of Cold Fusion Video just published a book. Please click below to buy it!

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Ultra Galaxy Legend (2009)

May 10

Posted by Scott Hamilton in DVD | 4 Comments

Ultra Galaxy Legend is perhaps the ultimate Ultraman continuity porn. It starts out with a scene that references the first episode of 1966‘s Ultraman and then goes on to explain the entire origin of the Ultramen and the Land of Light, while also being a direct continuation of both Ultraman Mebius (2006) and Ultra Galaxy Mega Montster Battle: Never Ending Odyssey (2008). If none of that sentence made a lick of sense to you this movie is not aimed at you, but it is a fast moving sci-fi romp with constant special effects and tons of rubber monsters.

The plot is set in motion when the Alien Zarab (as always, played for laughs) releases Ultraman Belial from the prison that orbits the Land of Light. Belial is the only evil Ultraman, who long ago coveted the Plasma Spark that gives all the Ultramen their powers. He was exiled for his transgressions, which led to him allying with Alien Rayblood. Gifted with the Rayonix power of controlling monsters Belial attacked the Land of Light but was defeated. Now free, Belial assaults the Land of Light again, beats up every Ultraman he can find, and makes off with the Plasma Spark. The Land of Light is left a frozen wasteland, and the only beings who can retrieve the Plasma Spark are the few Ultramen Belial didn’t freeze (including Mebius, Ultraman, Ultraseven, and the new Ultraman Zero) and Ray from the Ultra Galaxy Mega Monster Battle shows.

The plot is just an excuse to cram in nearly every Ultraman from the past 40 years plus (allegedly) one hundred monsters into one movie. From that perspective the movie is a roaring success. Though the cynical sci-fi nerd could argue that a lot of the special effects are cheesy, the effects make up for quality in sheer quantity and enthusiasm. There is no downtime, with super-powered kung fu fights happening between Ultramen, aliens, and monsters every few minutes, always against interesting backdrops. By the end of the movie I felt like my eyeballs were full, just from the sheer variety of fantastic beings and settings onscreen.

The attempt to include so much does have a downside. Ultraman Belial is a suitably bad-ass opponent, but his hundred monster army is a bunch of push-overs. There certainly isn’t time for there to be a ten minute long fight with every monster, but it is a little odd to see Red King explode after a single shoulder throw, or Birdon, a monster that (temporarily) killed two Ultramen, blow up after getting hit by a single small ray blast.

The move also doesn’t do itself any favors by perpetuating two of my least favorite trends in Ultraman movies. It’s nearly become standard ever since Ultraman Dyna & Ultraman Tiga: Warriors of the Star of Light (1998) for movies to end with a giant CGI monster, usually made up of a bunch of other monsters combining into one. Well, Ultra Galaxy Legend takes this to its logical conclusion, with every monster combining into one. Once the combo-monster shows up you know that the only way the movie can end with with all the Ultramen shooting combined beams at the monster until it blows up. Ultra Galaxy Legend also throws open the door on Ultramen who have been killed being resurrected for no apparent reason, after episode 3 of Ultraman Mebius seemed to slam it shut by stating that death really is final for Ultramen. I won’t spoil too much here, but a very prominent Ultraman is killed, only to show up in the last scene perfectly okay.

I had never really noticed this before, but the Ultramen and their Land of Light greatly resembles the Green Lantern Corp and Oa. I suppose part of it is that the Land of Light is portrayed in this movie as being made up entirely of translucent green crystal, but it’s more than that. The origin we see for the Land of the Light is that it was an ancient planet inhabited by a race that looked exactly like humans (except, I assume, 150 feet tall), but their sun was extinguished. The planet’s scientists built the Plasma Spark to replace the sun. The Spark worked, but it had the unintended side effect of turning everyone on the planet into silver and red superheroes. The Ultramen renamed their planet the Land of Light and swore to use their power to bring justice and peace to the universe. I suppose that the Plasma Spark turning everyone into a silver and red giant isn’t much more unlikely than a Power Battery allowing rings to manifest the “emotional spectrum of willpower” as giant green boxing gloves.

And now that I think about it the story of Hayata being given the Beta Capsule by Ultraman after his spaceship crashed in the original Ultraman series is pretty similar to Abin Sur giving his ring to Hal Jordan. Is it possible that the Silver Age Green Lantern comic book was influence on Tsuburaya? I’m not really sure how much awareness there was of DC Comics in Japan in the 1960s.

Now I’d like to talk about a thorny issue: Continuity. Continuity has always been a fluid concept in the Ultraman universe, to put it mildly. In the original Ultraman series there was plenty of evidence that the stories were taking place in the present (i.e. 1966), while at the same time the Science Patrol had airplanes capable of traveling all over the world in minutes and spaceflight was routine. Even things like the public knowledge of the existence of aliens and monsters was highly changeable from episode to episode. But there are general guidelines, like certain series are direct sequels to others, and many series take place in their own self-contained universes. Ultra Galaxy Legend acts a capstone for the whole series, and pulls together many Ultramen that have never interacted before, while leaving some others out. I think the rest of this piece will be about how this movie fits in with all the Ultraman continuity that’s been established.

First I’ll all out all the various Ultraman universes that exist. For the most part these are based on TV series. Many of the Ultraman movies, like Ultraman Story, Ultraman Gaia: The Battle in Hyperspace, and Superior Ultraman 8 Brothers don’t seem to be taking place in any established continuity but don’t introduce any new characters either, so I’ll leave them out.

- All the Ultraman series from Ultraman (1966) through Ultraman 80 (1980) take place in one continuity. Arguably Ultraman Neos (2000) takes place in this continuity, and Ultraman Mebius (2005) certainly does. The Ultramen in this universe include (roughly in order of appearance) Ultraman, Zoffy, Ultraseven, Ultraman Jack, Ultraman Ace, Father of Ultra, Ultraman Taro, Mother of Ultra, Ultraman Leo, Astra, Ultraman King, Ultraman 80, Yuria, Ultraman Neos, Ultraseven 21, Ultraman Mebius, and Ultraman Hikari. Ultra Galaxy Mega Monster Battle (2007) and its sequels also takes place in this universe. I’ll call it the M78 universe, after the location of the Land of Light.

- The Ultraman (1979) was an animated series in Japan. The main character was Ultraman Jonias.

- Ultraman: The Adventure Begins (1989) was backdoor pilot American animated series from Hanna-Barberra. There were three Ultramen: Ultraman Scott, Ultraman Chuck, and Ultrawoman Beth.

- Ultraman: Towards the Future (1990) was shot in Australia, and features Ultraman Great.

- Ultraman: The Ultimate Hero (1993) was shot in the USA, but never aired here. It has Ultraman Powered.

- Ultraman Tiga (1996) and Ultraman Dyna (1997) take place in the same universe. The only Ultramen are the ones in the titles.

- Ultraman Gaia (1997) is set in its own universe. Ultraman Gaia and Ultraman Agul star.

- Ultraman Cosmos (2001) is yet another new universe. The Ultramen are Ultraman Cosmos and Ultraman Justice, and they combine to be Ultraman Legend.

- Ultraman Nexus (2004) and the related movie The Ultraman (2004) take place in their own universe. Ultramen include Ultraman Next, Ultraman Nexus, and Ultraman Noa.

- Ultraman Max is its own universe. Ultraman Max and Ultraman Xenon appear.

Back to Ultra Galaxy Legend, the Ultraman featured include:


Zoffy, Father of Ultra, Mother of Ultra, and Ultraman Taro


Yuria, Ultraman 80, Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Jack


Ultraman, Ultraman Leo, Astra, Ultraman Mebius, Ultraman Hikari


Ultraseven


Ultraseven 21, Ultraman Xenon, Ultraman Boy, Ultraman Max, Ultraman Neos


Ultrawomen Beth, Ultraman Scott, Ultraman Chuck, Ultraman Powered, Ultraman Great


Ultraman Dyna


Ultraman King


Ultraman Zero

So what does this tell us about Ultraman continuity? Well, there are some curious decisions. The animated American Ultramen are included, but not the animated Japanese one?

I don’t detect a lot of love for Ultraman Great, who is dressed in a baggy spandex costume. Sure, that Ultraman was portrayed by a guy wearing spandex back in 1990, but the costume looked pretty good. And there’s no real reason they couldn’t make the Great design using the better-looking rubber.

Also no love for Ultraman Nexus/Next/Noa continuity, as none of those Ultramen appear. I should say here that I’m basing continuity on the Ultramen, and not the monsters. At least two monsters unique to Ultraman Nexus appear during the course of the movie, but let’s face it, they were using every monster suit they still had laying around whether or not it made any sense to be in the Monster Graveyard.

Ultraman Boy is here as comic relief, and as a far as I can tell the character is from Ultraman Tiga toy commercials.

Ultraman Dyna’s somewhat sudden and inexplicable appearance in this movie apparently reflects the end of the Ultraman Dyna TV series (which I haven’t seen), with Dyna being pulled into a black hole, and then, I guess, being transported to the M78 universe. He appears familiar with the Land of Light and environs, but he doesn’t hang with the other Ultramen. He says something about “being on a journey,” but there’s no specific references to his being from another universe.

I’m really wondering where Ultraman King fits into the whole pantheon. He seems to the Grand Poobah of the whole Land of Light, and as near as I can tell his whole job description is delivering ludicrous motivational speeches (voiced by former Japanese Prime Minister and international Elvis aficionado Junichiro Koizumi). He doesn’t do squat in fighting Belial, even though he’s not among the Ultramen frozen at the beginning of the movie. I guess it really is good to be the king.

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Most. Improved. Character. Ever.

May 6

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Comic Books | 12 Comments

DC Comics’ new series Brightest Day follows a number of characters who were resurrected by the “White Lantern” power at the end of the previous event series, Blackest Night. One of those characters is Aquaman, who was, I assume, dead until recently. I’m not really sure, and by that I mean I don’t really care. I’m not sure anybody really cares if Aquaman is dead or alive. Certainly not DC’s editorial staff, which allowed Aquaman to appear in the Final Crisis event despite being dead for two years.

So Aquaman is back for real this time, with one little change to his powers.

ZOMBIE SHARKS!!! Aquaman can control undead sea life! Now we’re talking! I bet James Cameron is wishing that Aquaman movie was real right about now.

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Kamen Rider J (1994)

Apr 29

Posted by Scott Hamilton in DVD, Kamen Rider | 7 Comments

I’m going to take one more detour before I get back to Kamen Rider Decade. For whatever reason the Kamen Rider franchise seems to have lost steam in the 1990s and existed as a series of specials, none of which did well enough to spawn even a single full sequel. Kamen Rider J was a theatrical movie (presumably part of a double feature), and like all of the 1990s stories it strays quite far from the established parameters of the Kamen Rider mythology. That’s saying something, considering one earlier Kamen Rider series is about a Japanese foundling in the Brazilian jungle who is transformed into a Rider by a combination of cybernetics and Incan magic. The series was already pretty flexible.

The story of Kamen Rider J is very simple. So simple, it requires only five actors to appear on screen during the 45 minute running time. The villain here is Fog Mother, a semi-mystical evil being who travels through space in a gigantic bio-mechanical fortress. Her “children,” slimy things with lots of teeth, eat everything in their path and were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. In order to release her children she has to perform a ritual. The ritual involves sacrificing a human, and Fog Mother’s three disciples (an older man, a younger man, and a woman in matching white suits) spot the perfect one while the fortress lands on a mountain in rural Japan. That sacrifice is Kana, a little girl who is camping on the mountain with her family (I assume), though we never see them. When the fortress comes down Kana is visiting the camp site of Koji, a nature photographer. Fog Mother’s disciples appear at the camp and kill Koji in the process of kidnapping Kana.

Koji is resurrected by the “Earth Spirits,” and given a magic belt and annoying animal sidekick in the form of Berry, a large grasshopper that yells all her thoughts out loud. The belt, of course, allows Koji to transform into Kamen Rider J, though it’s left unexplained why the Earth Spirits have a fetish for green leather and dirt bikes.

Koji heads for Fog Mother’s fortress, and along the way he’s attacked by one of Fog Mother’s disciples, who transforms into a dinosaur/lizard monster. Kamen Rider J finishes off the monster with a flying punch to the brain.

Soon thereafter Koji is attacked by the female disciple, who turns into an insect creature. During the course of the battle the disciple carries Kamen Rider J into the heart of Fog Mother’s fortress.

Breached, the fortress starts rolling around the countryside, crushing buildings and blowing up highways. Inside Kamen Rider J faces the last disciple, who transforms into armored cobra monster.

Kamen Rider J is triumphant, but Fog Mother is able to trap him and keep him from getting to Kana, who is hanging over a pit full of Fog Mother spawn. Faced with this impossible situation Kamen Rider J does the really unexpected: he teleports out of the fortress and grows to Ultraman size! Kamen Rider J (for “jumbo”?) punches a hole in the fortress and rescues Kana, but Mother Fog fights back with the fortress’ various cannons, drills, and saws.

It does seem like a big part of this movie was an attempt to reposition Kamen Rider as an Ultraman type hero, which I suppose makes a certain amount of sense because Ultraman was a dormant franchise at this point. Kamen Rider J’s sleek design is even vaguely like that of an Ultraman character, though obviously the coloring is two tones of green instead of silver and red. There’s also a strange environmental theme here, with Fog Mother seemingly representing pollution. It’s a little odd, because Fog Mother is presumably a being of magic, but her fortress looks like industrial equipment.

With its short running time and minimal cast I’m a little surprised this was shown in theaters. It feels more like a straight-to-video episode. On the plus side, the lack of any supporting characters means that the movie gets straight to the action. In fact, there isn’t much here besides action. If you like the HK wire-fu epics of the early 1990s you’ll find something to enjoy in Kamen Rider J.

As I mentioned earlier, there was no sequel to Kamen Rider J. The character did appear in a short 3-D film with Kamen Rider ZO, and has been featured in some of the later movies, but beyond that never had much effect on the Kamen Rider franchise.

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Hanuman and the Five Riders (1974)

Apr 20

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Kamen Rider | 8 Comments

A quick detour in my Kamen Rider writing to an older, and far stranger, entry in the series. Sort of.

Allow me to throw in a little back story. In 1974 Tsuburaya Productions, the makers of Ultraman, teamed up with the Thai studio Chaiyo to make a movie featuring the Ultraman characters meeting a Thai hero. The new hero was called Hanuman, after the Hindu monkey god, and his origin was tied directly to Ultraman continuity. The movie was called Hanuman and the 7 Ultramen in Thailand, and The 6 Ultra Brothers vs. The Monster Army in Japan. The discrepancy in the number of Ultramen comes from the Thai movie counting Mother of Ultra. I can’t imagine the movie went over well in Japan (and decades later it became central in a bizarre legal saga that resulted in Tsuburaya losing the rights to Ultraman for a while), but I guess it did well enough in Thailand that Chaiyo went ahead with a sequel. That sequel featured another popular Japanese superhero group, the Kamen Riders.

Wikipedia is of the opinion that Chaiyo didn’t get the rights from Toei to make a Kamen Rider film. I have no reason to doubt that, but damn, that must take guts. Even worse, Chaiyo’s film features chunks of the real Kamen Rider film Kamen Rider X: Five Riders vs. King Dark (1974). Between this theft and the Ultraman rights fiasco of later decades I get the impression that Chaiyo’s management philosophy falls somewhere between Enron and Latveria.

The movie opens with the five Riders (Kamen Rider 1, Kamen Rider 2, Kamen Rider V3, Riderman, and Kamen Rider X) leisurely driving their motorcycles around Bangkok, occasionally passing in front of local landmarks to convince us that, yes, this is Thailand. My favorite part is that the local traffic doesn’t seem to be very impressed by these superheroes, and twice they get passed by Volkswagen Beetles. That’s just funny on so many levels.

This goes on for a while. A long while. With Thailand firmly established as our setting we cut to the secret headquarters of King Dark. King Dark was the villain of the Kamen Rider X series, and as I understand it he only appeared as a giant reposing statue. For example, here he is from some of the stock footage.

But in the Thai production they must have wanted a villain who could interact with his underlings a bit more, so King Dark appears most of the time as a guy in a costume that is literally coming apart at the seams. His henchmen are guys in ski masks, complete with pompoms on top. Except one guy didn’t get to the store in time to get a ski mask, so instead he’s got a luchador mask.

I should mention that I watched this movie with subtitles, so I’m guessing when it comes to things like names of characters and finer plot details. So from what I can tell King Dark spends his time drinking blood sucked out of women using an amazingly complicated machine. In stock footage he also sends a bunch of monsters out to kidnap children, though all these kidnappings are foiled by various Kamen Riders showing up and delivering a heaping helping of kung fu to the bad guys.

After this setback King Dark has his henchmen shove one of their number in a cage with three cute dogs. The shovee fights like his his life is at stake, but I’m not really sure why. Lookatthepuppies!

After this bizarre scene the movies progresses through an even more bizarre progression of scenes, especially for what I assume was supposed to be a kids movie. We see paintings depicting what I assume is the Thai/Hindu version of hell, with men and women being mutilated by demons. Then it jumps to live-action versions of such scenes, including naked women being chained to thorny trees and men being boiled in oil. Finally we arrive in what I assume is the throne room of the god of the underworld (Yama, perhaps?). Three men are being judged for their sins and OMIGOD it’s the three temple robbers from Hanuman and the 7 Ultramen!

The movie treats us to another chunck of stock footage, this one from the previous Hanuman film. We see the thieves steal a head off a statue and shoot the orphan boy who tries to stop them. Then a hand reaches from the sky and resurrects the boy as Hanuman, the giant monkey god. In the previous movie the hand was Mother of Ultra’s, but that’s left out here. Hanuman chases the thieves down and kills them all in gory ways.

Now that any children watching are guaranteed to never be capable of feeling human emotions again, we go back to the underworld. Things aren’t looking good for the thieves, but as they are about to be judged an earthquake strikes hell! In the confusion the head thief escapes. He then magically appears in King Dark’s throne room, sporting a really fashionable purple outfit and inexplicable magical powers. I need a name for him, so I guess I’ll call him… Prince. Yeah, that works.

Prince was either working for King Dark all along, or he’s decided to now. Prince teleports away, and, using magical disguise abilities, kidnaps a scientist and his girlfreind. The scientist, I note, is the same actor who played the scientist in Hanuman and the 7 Ultramen, though I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to the same character. For the sake of simplicity I’m going to call him Doctor Khan, which I’m fairly sure was his name in the earlier movie. I’ll call the girlfriend Tulip, because that’s close to the Thai name they say in the movie.

In more stock footage we see Kamen Rider X fighting Gengis Khan Condor and Toad Goemon (oh, if only Starfish Hitler had made this movie!), and King Dark uses his high tech computer to analyze the fight.

Now King Dark wants Doctor Khan’s help in making a new monster to fight the Riders. They torture him in various ways, including tickling him, but he won’t capitulate until Dark’s henchmen start draining Tulip’s blood.

In the only example of the characters from the current movie being integrated into the Five Riders vs. King Dark stock footage in any way, Doctor Khan works some computer consoles while in the stock footage we see the creation of Bat Franken, a bat/Frankenstein’s monster combination.

The new monster doesn’t fair any better against Kamen Rider X than the previous monsters.

More attempts are made to kidnap children, again stopped by various Riders. After one these attempts the Riders have a confab, and then Rider X drives off into an ambush by Bat Franken and ton of monsters. Then the other four Riders show up, and a big fight breaks out. (This is all still stock footage from Five Riders vs. King Dark.) The Riders drop kick all the monsters into a big pile which, unsurprisingly, blows up.

That’s about the end of the stock footage. Now we get to see the Thai versions of the Rider costumes in action. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference, especially with Riderman.

Now Prince blackmails Doctor Khan into making more monsters. This time the monsters are made using a booth sitting out in the middle of a field.

Oh, the suspense! After an hour of all the monsters being from Japanese stock footage, we finally get to see the full creativity of the Thai filmmakers given life! How cool will these monsters be?

You have got to be fricking kidding me. Guys in breech cloths and paper-mache animal masks? And I wonder why Toei didn’t want to work with these guys.

The scientist manages to get a radio message to the Riders, and when Prince tries to move all the various prisoners Dark King has collected in a cart (for reasons I can’t figure out) the Riders ambush them. Prince and the new monsters have a long fight with the five Riders. Um, don’t ask what’s happen in the next screencap.

The monsters defeated, the Riders confab with Doctor Khan. The Riders then run off, and immediately get blown up.

King Dark appears on the scene and recaptures all the prisoners and resurrects his monsters. The Riders are left behind, apparently dead.

Wasn’t Hanuman supposed to be in this movie? Oh, there he is, at a temple, doing what Hanuman loves most: dancing.

Hanuman teleports to the Riders and does a dance that resurrects them.

Hanuman hugs each of the Riders in turn. Then the Riders ride off, and Hanuman stays behind to dance some more.

The Riders raid King Dark’s headquarters, and there’s a big fight between the Riders and the monsters, Prince, and King Dark.

The monsters are defeated and Prince Flees. King Dark grows to gigantic, Tokyo-stomping size.

Not to harp on this,but are we supposed to be able to see Riderman’s face? How lazy were they in recreating these costumes?

One of the Kamen Riders (V3, I think) absorbs his compatriots and and attacks King Dark with his flying motorcyle, with not much effect. Luckily, Hanuman shows up in his giant form.

Hanuman stabs King Dark in the throat.

Hanuman then chases down Prince and sends him back to hell. Evil defeated, Hanuman waves to the Riders and dances some more.

Back in hell we see that the temple thieves have been decapitated, ending this delightful romp for children on an appropriate note.

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Kamen Rider Decade/003 “Transcendental”

Apr 15

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Kamen Rider Decade | 5 Comments

The episode picks up where the previous left off, with the two new armored guys attacking Decade and Kuuga.

After a short fight I guess Stupid Hat Man calls in another dimensional riff, the new guys jump “into another hell,” as one of them says. Stupid Hat Man vows that this is just the begining, and walks away. I have no idea what the point of any of this was.

With tempers cooled, Tsukasa, Natsumi, and Yuusuke finally get to talk like civilized people. We find out that Tsukasa is convinced that by stopping the ritual in the previous episode he’s saved the world from the “Ultimate Darkness” that is sleeping under a nearby mountain. For his part Yuusuke explains that when he received the belt that transformed him into Rider Kuuga he was told that someday a devil called “Decade” would appear and destroy everything. Who told him this? None other than Stupid Hat Man.

After this revelation the conversation is interrupted by Grandpa’s TV. Black smoke is coming from the nearby mountain, signifying that the Ultimate Darkness awoke anyway. Ane, who was investigating the mountain, is fatally poisoned and taken to the hospital. The smoke rolls into town and everybody who chokes on the gas turns into a Grongi. The rest of the episode is very much like a zombie movie in tone. Yuusuke sits at Ane’s bedside while Tsukasa transforms into Decade and heads off to fight the growing horde of Grongi, headed by Ultimate Darkness himself.

Initially Decade gets his plastic chaps handed to him, but Yuusuke (as Kuuga) arrives to help with the fight, having been convinced by the dying Ane to fight for the good of humanity. Actually there this whole weird thing about fighting for smiles that carries through the rest of the episode, but I’m going to gloss over that.

After fighting the horde for a little bit Decade swipes the card for “Final Form Ride: Kuuga.” Kuuga transforms into a giant robot beetle.

The Kuuga-beetle grabs Ultimate Darkness out of the air. Decade swipes a card for “Final Attack Ride: Kuuga,” gives Ultimate Darkness a flying kick and that’s the end of U.D.

Tsukasa and Yuusuke arrive back at the hospital and find out that Ane died while they were gone.

Tsukasa and Natsumi go back to the photo studio. Tsukasa explains that the world has been saved. Then Grandpa accidentally drops another background the studio, this one showing the dragon/mansion combo from the first episode.

I guess we’re off to the next world.

The Flying Saucer (1950)

Apr 12

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Movies | 6 Comments

In keeping with my reading on the Roswell incident I decided to take a look at one of the first, if not the first, movie to deal with flying saucers in a dramatic way. The Flying Saucer is a crappy movie with very little actual flying saucer action, but it is important for highlighting a certain truth about how flying saucers were perceived at the time. This truth explains a lot about the whole Roswell incident, and has been all but ignored by the UFO community.

The Flying Saucer was produced and directed by Mikel Conrad, who also stars. Conrad plays Mike Trent, who worked for the U.S. government in some capacity never explicitly described. He retired and has been living the life of a playboy in New York, but he’s called to Washington by his old boss. Uncle Sam is worried about the flying saucers that have been spotted over various parts of the country. Trent’s boss explains that the only use for a craft like a flying saucer would be to deliver an atom bomb, and therefore the U.S. must find the flying saucer before any foreign power. Mike was originally from Alaska, and because the most promising lead they have is up there, Mike is to pretend to have a nervous breakdown and hole up in his father’s hunting cabin north of Juneau. The government sends a pretty female agent, Vee (Pat Garrison, beginning a rich career of one movie), with him to pretend to be his nurse.

Mike is generally sour, unlikable, and basically the worst secret agent ever. When he arrives at cabin and finds a creepy new (German!) caretaker the first thing he asks the man is, “Have you see any Russian spies around here?” Vee wants to follow orders and stay at the cabin until their local contact shows up, but Mike grouses and eventually sneaks away to Juneau, where he proceeds to get roaring drunk for no good reason. After trying unsuccessfully to take a ride on the town whore, Mike runs into an equally drunk guy he knows, and finds out that someone is renting the other guy’s boat for a hundred dollars a day. Obviously these are Russian agents, and the next day Mike sobers up enough for all the information he needs to know about the flying saucer to just fall into his lap. As it turns out the scientist who built the saucer is actually in the lower 48, trying to sell the design aeronautical companies, but the scientist’s assistant is going to sell the craft to the Russians. Mike rents a plane, finds where the saucer is hidden, then flies back to the cabin. After he lands the caretaker tries to kill him, either because the caretaker is a Russian agent or because the guy is just fed up with Mike being a jerk. The Russian agents manage to kidnap Vee and the scientist (who arrived back in Alaska when no one was interested in buying his designs), and Mike flies out to the hidden flying saucer to rescue them. He confronts the Russians in an ice cave, takes one of them hostage, and in a truly hilarious moment, uses the man as a human shield when the chief Russkie empties the entire clip of a machine gun at him from about 6 inches away. Apparently the hostage was wearing his kevlar thermal underwear, because Mike is untouched. There’s a cave-in, and Mike, the scientist and Vee escape. The scientist’s assistant reaches the flying saucer and takes off, only to have it explode. Seems the scientist booby trapped it, meaning nothing Mike or Vee did really mattered. The end.

There are only three or so shots of a painfully cheesy flying saucer model flying around, though Mikel Conrad tried to pass this footage off as genuine flying saucer footage. The movie opens with a card thanking the “those in authority” for helping the movie be a reality, and the following article ran in the Long Beach Independent in the months before the movie was released.

I assume that describing Conrad as “husky” is a nice way of saying “pudgy and looks nearly twice his actual age.” Mikel Conrad’s career never took off, despite this vanity project. His last screen appearance was as George Lawrence in the American scenes of Godzilla, King of the Monster.

So what makes this film interesting as it relates to Roswell? Notice how I never mentioned aliens. Never in this movie does anybody even hint that a flying saucers are alien. This reflects the general thinking on flying saucers in the first couple years after that terms was coined in June, 1947. People might not have known what flying saucers were, but the debate was generally between people who thought they were Russian airplanes intruding in U.S. airspace and people who thought they were the U.S. army testing secret aircraft. This movie reflects that. The Roswell incident occurred a scant three weeks after original “flying saucer” report, so when the Roswell AFB press office announced they had found a flying saucer in early July of 1947 they weren’t admitting they’d found an alien spacecraft as UFO believers claim, but rather that they’d found a Russian secret aircraft of some sort. The alien identification of of flying saucers didn’t start to become popular until 1950 or so. As far as I can tell the first fictional take on flying saucers as alien spacecraft was the classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. Maybe I should revisit that movie.

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This is a selling point?

Apr 11

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Movies | 4 Comments

Are they hoping to get this shown in medical schools or something?

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Hangar 18 (1980)

Apr 9

Posted by Scott Hamilton in DVD | 10 Comments

I’ve been reading Witness to Roswell, one of the most important books that argues that the government retrieved an alien spacecraft from the New Mexico desert in July of 1947. Watching Hangar 18 seemed like a natural, because it’s the earliest fictional take I could find on the Roswell myth, coming only a couple years after the first stories about an alien spacecraft being recovered. It’s also a movie I remember seeing as a child, and never since.

So the plot. The space shuttle is in orbit (the movie was made before the first successful shuttle launch), preparing to launch a satellite into orbit. As the satellite is launched a UFO parks itself right in front the shuttle, and the satellite smashes into it and explodes. Though the UFO is undamaged, the explosion knocks the helmet off an astronaut who was in the cargo bay, killing him. The UFO makes a soft landing in the Arizona desert, where it is found by the U.S. government and moved to secret hangar on a fictional airbase used by NASA. Meanwhile, the shuttle lands safely with its two remaining astronauts.

One of the oddest things about reading Witness to Roswell is that the authors, and most of the alleged witnesses (whether firsthand, or much more often secondhand), simply assume that if there was a UFO crash, the government would go to any lengths to cover it up. If the book is to be believed, the obviousness of the government’s need for a cover-up was apparent to the soldiers on base, all the people who found wreckage, the lieutenant governor of New Mexico who happened to be in the hangar when the bodies were being wheeled in(!), civilian workers, pilots, etc. In fact, the only person who didn’t think the government would have an interest in covering up the existence of aliens was the Roswell AFB commander, who ordered a press release be sent out saying that the army had recovered a “flying saucer.” But the more the authors harp on the cover-up, the more I couldn’t help but notice that not once does anybody explain why there would be a cover-up. Seriously, why? It’s tough to imagine a reason. And it would be a fools game because the government would have no control over the aliens. Cover up the crash all you want, tomorrow the aliens could land in Times Square and make liars out of all the conspirators.

Hangar 18 does try hard to come up with a reason for why there’s a cover-up, though it ends up being ludicrously complicated and unlikely. The cover-up is hatched by one of the President of the United State’s political advisors, played by Robert Culp. The presidential election is in about two weeks, and the President is in a close race. In some previous election the President finished off one of his opponents by making fun of the fact that the opponent had claimed he once saw a flying saucer; therefore the President can’t admit that UFOs are really alien spaceships lest he be seen as a hypocrite. The advisor convinces the military and the CIA, and apparently NASA, that it’s in everybody’s best interest that the current President stay in power, so the retrieved spaceship must be kept secret until after the election. Well, the CIA guy doesn’t seems to need much convincing. He’s thoroughly evil, and is just champing at the bit to order some of his agents to kill innocent Americans to keep the spaceship secret.

So the plot branches off in two direction. One part of the movie is all about a deputy director of NASA (Darren McGavin) and a team of scientists examining the entirely intact, if inert, spaceship in the hangar. There is a strange disconnect between the size of the alien spacecraft as seen in the hangar and the interior of the ship we see the scientists exploring. Unless the aliens are supposed to be Timelords, the ship would appear to be several times larger inside than out. As this fact goes unremarked on, I’ll assume that either the spaceship prop was made to small, or the filmmakers meant to use forced perspective to make it look bigger and then decided that was too much trouble. The aliens are found dead in the ship’s control room, with no obvious cause of death. (When the cause of death is revealed — suffice to say, it’s goofy.) No little Greys here. The aliens are just bald humans with wonky eyes. Studies of the aliens’ genetics reveal them to be incredibly similar to humans, and some of the symbols in the spaceship’s “library” are found to identical to some of the Nazca lines, dovetailing nicely with the “ancient astronaut” theories of Erich Von Daniken that were popular at the time.

The other part of the movie is the two surviving shuttle astronauts trying to prove that the satellite really hit a UFO. The CIA have managed to cover the whole thing up and NASA has accused its own astronauts of having made a mistake that resulted in the death of the other astronaut. The astronauts, surprisingly unmolested by the press, head to Arizona to find someone who might have seen the UFO land, or failing that, where the UFO may have been moved to. The CIA sends Men in Black to stop them, and there’s a veritable bloodbath.

Movies about the government covering up aliens can basically have only two different endings, and neither are very satisfying. If the government succeeds in covering up the aliens, then nothing changes. I thought that was getting really old by the end of the first season of The X-Files, let alone season nine. The other ending, used far less often, is that our heroes manage to reveal the existence of aliens to the public, in which case the movie ends just when it’s getting interesting. Hangar 18 goes with the second ending, and leaves us wondering how the public reacted to the news of aliens, especially since the evidence in the alien ship seemed to indicate that an invasion was imminent.

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Is the iPad Magical?

Apr 4

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Really Random | 1 Comment

Mine is, and I can prove it. How else could it have, on its way to me, arrive in Anchorage before it left Hong Kong?

(I was a little surprised that this caused UPS’s tracking system fits. Does UPS not ship much across the Pacific?)

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Kamen Rider Decade/002 “The World of Kuuga”

Apr 2

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Kamen Rider Decade | 2 Comments

“The World of Kuuga” picks up exactly where the previous episode left off. Kamen Rider Kuuga has appeared to fight to monsters that were threatening a female detective. The police officers refer to Kuuga as “unidentified life form #4,” but the detective convinces them to let Kuuga fight the other monsters.

At the photo studio Natsumi, Tsukasa, and Grandpa deal with being in another world. Natsumi looks around incredulously, Tsukasa gets a little too into the cop uniform he’s inexplicably wearing, and Grandpa is happy the TV is working again. Luckily a plot-specific newspaper has also appeared in the photo studio, and our heroes discover that the monsters on this world are called the “Grongi” and fight the police. Though Tsukasa isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do on this world, the uniform he’s wearing apparently goes with a whole identity for him on this world. He decides that being a policeman must mean he’s supposed to fight the Grongi. He rides off on a bicycle, and Natsumi goes outside to discover that the photo studio is now in an entirely different building.

Back with Kuuga, the fight with the two Grongi has moved inside an empty warehouse. There’s a dead policewoman, a victim of the Grongi from before the police arrived. The one detective Kuuga seems to know tells him that he needs to be fast, so he transforms into a blue form. Tsukasa pedals up, and starts taking pictures with his magenta camera. He also observes that Kuuga can transform regular objects into science-fictiony weapons.

Kuuga batters the more bug-looking monster with his stave (made from a piece of rebar) into exploding. The bird Grongi tries to fly away, but the detective throws Kuuga her gun. Kuuga transforms into a green form, and the gun becomes a kick-ass crossbow. Scratch one bird Grongi.

With the Grongi dead, Kuuga transforms back to his human form, who is named Yuusuke. The female detective is Ane Yashino. The dialogue between the two makes clear that Yuusuke’s career as a Rider is still pretty new, and I’m assuming only Ane knows Kuuga’s secret identity.

At the police station Ane briefs the other cops on her “Grongi Game Murder” theory. The Grongi have only been killing female police officers for reasons only known to them. Tsukasa, in his police uniform, crashes the meeting. Before we find out much more another Grongi is reported. Everyone rushes out of the room.

A Grongi, which has sort of a bull look to it, has attacked a police car on a bridge and killed a female police officer. Tsukasa, as Kamen Rider Decade, arrives on his motorcycle and starts to fight the creature.

Seconds later Ane and Yuusuke arrive. The watch Decade swipe the card for “Final Attack Ride: Decade,” an attack where a series of energy cards appear in midair and Decade jump kicks through them, destroying the Grongi.

Kamen Rider Decade leaves the scene, despite Yuusuke’s demands that he explain himself.

Later that night Yuusuke and Ane arrive at the door of the photo studio, looking for a cafe that used to be there. Grandpa invites them in for coffee anyway. The two guests discuss Decade as “Unidentified life form #10,” and Yuusuke vows to defeat him. Ane notices the similarity Kuuga, and wonders if “#10″ might be there to help fight the Grongi.

Tsukasa arrives at the studio, and suggests that he has a theory about Grongi murders. Yuusuke, miffed that Tsukasa is imposing, storms out.

Natsumi rushes outside as Yuusuke tries to kick start his bike. She implies that she knows Yuusuke is Kuuga, and says that she thinks it’s great he’s trying to help. She also chastises Yuusuke for not realizing Ane cares for him. Yuusuke asks how she knows this, and she says, “Because I have a vagina.” That’s not what she really says, but it’s close enough. This whole scene is filmed very oddly. Every time Yuusuke unsuccessfully kicks the bike starter, the camera ratchets off to the left.

The next day Tsukasa explains his theory to the big wigs at the police station. There’s a pattern in the birth dates of the dead officers that spells out a message, but a birthdate ending in “4″ is missing. Convinced he’s right, the police rush off to find female officers who might fit. Meanwhile in the woods more Grongi appear to be preparing to resurrect a demon in a cave.

Back at the photo studio Tsukasa is finding that all his photos of this world are messed up too. Natsumi says that probably means he’s not native to this world. Oh, and she’s finally changed out of those awful yellow leggings, into equally awful pink leggings.

Tsukasa calls Ane and arranges to meet her out in the middle of the woods. When she gets there he explains that he made up the whole thing about birth dates. In fact, the murders were all a certain distance from particular mountain, and he figures the next murder would have to happen where they are now. Yuusuke shows up, having been called by Ane. Tsukasa explains that the murders are ritual to awaken some sort super-Grongi in a nearby cave. Trust in Tsukasa is a little hard to come by for Yuusuke and Ane, because it appears that Tsukasa has lured Ane to the spot to help the Grongi. Tsukasa even yells something in the Grongi language, causing two of them to appear. (One with dreadlocks, another that looks fish-themed.) Tsukasa then turns and punches Ane in the face! But it’s all a trick. It seems the Grongi ritual involved not spilling blood, and now that Ane has a bloody nose, the ritual is ruined. I’m not sure why Tsukasa couldn’t tell Ane before clocking her, but whatever.

Oh, and if you’re supposed to be a uber-cool interdimensional superhero, you should probably leave the girly sweater at home.

Tsukasa becomes Decade, and he transforms his card case into a sword. He fights off the two Grongi, killing the dreadlocks one. The fish one flees.

But when Yuusuke hears the name “Decade” (because no Rider can transform without saying their name at least twice) he transforms into Kuuga and attacks Decade! It seems he’s heard of Decade, and considers him a devil (akuma). He believes that Decade will destroy all the Riders. (Does Yuusuke know about the other riders? How?)

In the middle of their fight the fish Grongi appears again, and Kuuga kills him with one flaming kick. Natsumi then runs up, and seeing Kuuga and Decade together she flashes back to her dream. After all the Riders are defeated, Decade is walking along the battlefield, but Kuuga isn’t quite dead. He transforms into a black form.

Dream Kuuga and Dream Decade fight, with the two of them powering up punches and causing an explosion.

Back in the real world (the present?) Natsumi yells at Kuuga and Decade to stop fighting. They don’t listen, and Kuuga transforms into a purple version, and Decade swipes the card for “Attack Rider: Slash,” which is his sword. (Funny, he didn’t do that the first time he used his sword.) Decade states that he hopes to remember something by fighting.

The two fight, with Decade clearly having the upper hand. Kuuga then grabs Ane’s gun, and transforms into the green form with the crossbow again. Decade blocks his shot, and changes his card case into a machine gun. Decade swipes “Attack Ride: Blast,” with predictably insane results.

As Kuuga and Decade continue to fight a guy with glasses and a stupid hat is watching from nearby.

He recognizes Decade and that he isn’t from this world. Stupid Hat Man summons a dimensional wave, which causes two more armored figures to appear. The newcomers immediately attack the Riders, and the episode ends.

What a Difference 3 and 1/2 Years Makes

Apr 1

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Computers, Really Random | No Comments

Just for shits and giggles I took a look back at what I posted the first month of this current blog, and I was pretty amused by this post from 11/28/2006, entitled “Another Bite at the Apple Rumor”:

There are three rumors about Apple Computers that come up every few months, no matter what.

Apple is working on a Tablet Mac
Apple is working on an iPhone
Apple is close to signing the Beatles up on the iTumes Music Store

Number three is back with a vengeance this week. Check out the article from Forbes.

We’ll see if it pans out this time.

I never would have guessed we’d see both the tablet and the iPhone before the frickin’ Beatles in iTunes.

The Godzilla Movie that Just Won’t Die

Mar 30

Posted by Scott Hamilton in Movies, Stomp Tokyo | 7 Comments

Legend Pictures, the production company behind The Dark Knight and The Hangover, announced yesterday that they’re working on another American take on Godzilla, to be released in 2012. The new movie would, obviously, have nothing to do with 1998′s Godzilla, and as of now no director or writer is attached. Haowever, there was one familiar name mentioned in the announcement: Yoshimitsu Banno.

Banno was the writer/director of Godzilla vs. Hedorah back in 1971, and in 2004 he announced that Toho had given him the rights to make an IMAX Godzilla film, provisionally titled Godzilla 3-D to the Max. Over the next couple years it became obvious this new film was supposed to be the sequel to Hedorah Banno had wanted to make back in the 1970s, but hadn’t been allowed to. The new movie would feature Godzilla fighting a pollution based monster called Deathla in South America and New York City. References in the prospectus Banno was using to find funding seemed to suggest that his movie was going to feature the Showa (i.e. 1954-1975) version of Godzilla, and we might be treated to the sight of Godzilla flying around via his atomic breath again.

So after a good three years of hearing nothing about it, does this mean Godzilla 3-D to the Max still lives on, and will be the basis of the new American movie? Almost certainly not. I suspect that Banno being named as a producer on the new film merely reflects that Legendary Pictures had to buy out Banno’s rights to clear the way for their film. These days every big summer event film is also an IMAX film, so Legendary needed the IMAX rights Banno had acquired back in 2004. Banno will, I hope, have nothing to do with the new film. Now, we just have to convince Legendary Pictures that the new film should feature more than one monster…

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