Alien vs. Predator



The tagline for Alien vs. Predator is "Whoever Wins... We Lose." Accurate, but it could be continued with "Whoever Loses... Sci Fi Channel Wins," because Sci Fi has made a cottage industry out of airing cheap rip-offs of Alien (1979) and Predator (1987), and that's exactly what Alien vs. Predator is. It's a cheap rip-off of Alien and Predator that just happens to be licensed to actually use the Alien and Predator characters. It will sit on Sci Fi's movie schedule quite nicely.


"I don't care what pictures of me you have, I won't appear in a sequel to Wes Craven Presents Mind Ripper!"

Set in 2004, Alien vs. Predator kicks off with a satellite owned by Charles Bishop Weyland (B-movie actor Lance Henriksen, still managing to slum) finding a pyramid under the ice of Antarctica. Preliminary analysis suggests that this is the ur-pyramid, the pyramid the ancient civilizations of the world were emulating with their pyramids. This concept is of course ridiculous, ignoring that the construction Egyptian, Cambodian and Aztec pyramids occurred in completely different time periods. Director Paul W.S. Anderson seems to have a sense of humor about it, though, judging from the behind the scenes documentaries I've seen.

Weyland mounts an expedition to the pyramid, led by guide Alexa (Sanaa Lathan) and archeologist Sebastian (Raoul Bova). Above the site they find a long abandoned whaling village (all the residents mysteriously disappeared in 1904) and a mysterious tunnel leading down to the pyramid. The multi-discipline expedition members quickly breach the center of the pyramid, and find out it's function. The pyramid was built by the Predators, and used to breed Alien warriors for the Predators' to hunt as part of a coming-of-age ritual. Before long Aliens and Predators are running around the slimy stone passages of the pyramid killing humans and each other. This whole movie was shot in on a sound stage in Prague, and it shows. (That also explains the many European accents among the supporting cast.)


"York Peppermint Patties make me feel like I'm in Antarctica, hunting Aliens."

This is a really dumb movie. The characters are all stupid, and the plot doesn't really make sense, even as an excuse to cross over two well known franchises. I was most disappointed by the two new designs for the title creatures. The new Predators are all bulked up like they use steroids, which doesn't make sense for them as hunters or as young members of the species. The Aliens seem to based on the one that appeared in Alien3 (1992), which was supposed to look that way because it gestated in a four-legged creature, but more robust. This is surely the least scary incarnation of the Aliens yet.

In the end the movie devolves into two main characters running from a nuclear explosion and then being chased around the whaling village by the queen Alien. Again, the kind of silliness I expect from Sci Fi Channel movies. Aliens vs. Predator adds nothing to either franchise, and will probably be forgotten quickly.


With a head that big you'd think Alien would be smarter about choosing movies to star in.

Posted: Sun - August 15, 2004 at      

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