The Best TV Shows That Never Were



It was probably a one shot special (and one that’s been sitting on the shelf for two years) so it’s probably a little late to talk about it, but on Monday ABC aired The Best TV Shows That Never Were, an hour of collected clips from pilots, mostly TV movies, that weren’t picked up as series. It should be noted that “Best” in that title is meant ironically. In fact, the main criterion for appearing on The Best TV Shows was that the pilot had to destroy the dignity of everyone involved. A show where a man moves into an apartment with his elderly mother would not make the cut. A show where a man moves into an apartment with an elephant would. (BTW, I’m not making that example up. There really was a pilot called Ethel is an Elephant (1980) about exactly that.)

Because the producers of The Best TV Shows got permission from the actors shown in each clip there were some inconsistencies. For example, Matthew Perry was in the cast of the futuristic sitcom LAX 2194 (1994), but the clips they showed only featured Ryan Stiles and Kelly Hu. Perry wasn’t even mentioned. In other clips some actors, usually in the background, were optically fuzzed out, as if they were in the Bad Pilot Witness Protection program. And some actors weren’t featured at all despite making many bad pilots, most notably George Clooney.

Here are some of my favorite pilots that were featured on The Best TV Shows That Never Were:

Poochinski (1992) – Peter Boyle is a cop who dies and comes back as a dog. Or actually a dog puppet, in most of the footage. Along similar lines is K-9000 (1991), about a cop with a microchip in his head that allows him to interface with a super computer – in his dog. Proving you can’t have too many dogs for network executives, Norman Lear developed a show called A Dog’s Life (1979), where actors in dog costumes commenting on modern foibles. In one bit, the main character complains that he’s about to become a father for the 82nd time. Ha! Comic genius! Someone call Bob Barker. These three shows will just have to tide you over until someone decides to make a Turner and Hooch show starring Peter Scolari.



Steel Justice (1992) – This show is about police man whose young son dies and is reincarnated as mechanical dinosaur toy. When dad needs a little backup the toy grows into a giant version, which looks suspiciously like Truckasaurus. I must see this.

The Omen (1995) – What’s everybody’s favorite part of the original The Omen (1976)? The creepy kid, of course. So why did the proposed TV show have a concept as far from that as possible? Apparently the Antichrist is still recovering from the setback of being played by Sam Neil, so he appears as a stream of clear liquid that jumps from one person’s mouth to another, possessing them as it goes. I’m not sure if this was an anthology, where we would watch how being controlled by Satan’s spit-take affects a different person each week, or if it would be a continuing drama, with a group of characters trying to save people from being taken over by Beelzebub’s backwash.

Thor and Daredevil – The Best TV Shows had bits on Thor and Daredevil pilots, but didn’t make clear what they were showing were clips from The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) and Trial of the Incredible Hulk (1989). I guess Bill Bixby’s estate doesn’t want to be associated with those two messes even this many years later.



Annihilator (1986) – A high concept sci-fi series about a man who finds out his girlfriend was replaced with an evil alien robot while on an airline flight, along with everyone else on the plane. In one clip, a female robot rips off her own arm and starts beating a guy with it, repeatedly and hilariously.

The People (1972) – Here’s the thing; I remember this one. I’m not sure how, but I’m sure I’ve seen it. A woman comes to a rural town to be a teacher, and discovers that the local Amish population is actually made up of aliens. Quicker than you can say “P. Buckley Moss” people are levitating around the woods via psychic powers. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Is William Shatner in it?” Oh yeah, he is. He plays a doctor or veterinarian, I’m not sure which. I suppose with Shatner it doesn’t really matter, he could never limit himself to one species anyway.

Wishman (1986?) – Finally, somebody came up with a E.T. rip-off even more disturbing than Nukie. Seriously, the creature in this pilot looks like a giant Sea Monkey.

This special was based on the book Unsold TV Pilots by Lee Goldberg, a book which I have received twice as a birthday present. Am I really that obsessed with entertainment failures that a book like that is such an obvious a present for me? Am I so fascinated… Wait, what’s that? The long-delayed Guns N' Roses album "Chinese Democracy" is going to drop this fall? I am so there!

Posted: Wed - August 18, 2004 at      

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