Vampires vs. Zombies
What happens if a vampire bites a zombie? Do
you end up with a super-zombie that sucks blood? Can vampires get killed by
being torn apart by zombies? These potentially interesting questions and many
more are not answered in Vampires vs.
Zombies (2004), a micro-budget horror film
that doesn’t feature a single scene of conflict between vampires and
zombies. This DVD is a great example of how a movie can be completely lacking in
artistic merit and entertainment value yet still land in every video rental
store in the country solely on the strength of its title and cover artwork, in
this case both inspired by Freddy vs.
Jason
(2003).
"No, my career will be over first!" "No, my career will be over first!"
The main character is Jenna, a young woman driving around Idaho (no really, Idaho) with her father. They stop to help some women by the side of the road. These women include Julia (Brinke Stevens, as close as this movie has to a real star) and Carmilla. Julia convinces Mary’s father to give Carmilla a ride. Carmilla’s name is a dead giveaway (or is that an undead giveaway?) of what kind of movie this really is. Carmilla is a famous 19th century novel that has inspired, directly or indirectly, every lesbian vampire movie ever made, the most famous of these being the three films in Hammer’s “Karstein” trilogy. After a scene where “The General” encounters Julia the movie reveals that all this driving around the most boring state in the union is part of a vaguely defined military anti-vampire plan The General and Jenna’s father are running, unbeknownst to Jenna. Meanwhile Julia is running some sort of ill defined plan of her own, and getting Carmilla near Jenna was part of it. As you might guess, a couple of badly staged lesbian scenes result.
"Listen up! My career was over before we even started filming!"
The problem is that the description above makes the movie sound far more coherent than it actually plays. Notice I didn’t even mention zombies? Well, they’re there in the background of the scenario, but they only seem to exist to occasionally get run over by cars or otherwise killed by the human (but never vampire) characters. Towards the end of the movie Jenna ends up in some sort of building and she sees zombie schoolgirls, but I’m not sure what that had to do with anything. Along the same lines the movie appears to end with the revelation that Jenna’s “real life” is that she’s in an asylum and everything in the movie was just a dream… but she may be having that dream while being torn apart by real zombies. I halfway suspect that Vampires vs. Zombies was originally two completely different movies about the same characters being menaced by vampires and then dealing with a zombie invasion, but I have no proof of that.
Vampires vs. Zombies, sucking the fun out of every fetish.
You know what? This still sounds too coherent. Let me rundown another scene. Towards the beginning of the movie Jenna, her father and Carmilla stop at a gas station. Carmilla has to go to the lady’s room, so she gets the key from the attendant. Then she comes back and says she can’t open the door, so the attendant goes to open it. While alone in the gas station mini-mart Jenna is approached by a Goth-looking chick. Goth chick comments that Mary is a friendly soul, and then Goth chick gives Mary a piece of handmade jewelry. After Jenna leaves and the attendant comes back the Goth chick walks up to the attendant and pulls a gun! Back on the street Jenna hears a gunshot. Then another motorist pulls up to the gas station, goes inside and finds the Goth chick dead. She looks like she shot herself in the mouth. Then the attendant appears again and he's foaming at the mouth, though the motorist doesn't seem to notice until the attendant bites a chunk out of his neck. What the heck is going on here? I have no idea.
"Hello? Would you happen to have an extra career? I really need one."
Don't get sucked into renting this movie just because it has a pretty case. I did, and I regret it. The sad part is that the fact that this movie has managed to get itself stocked in nearly every video store in the country probably means a sequel is on the way. Vampires vs. Mummies? Wolfmen vs. Fish People? The mind boggles.
"No, my career will be over first!" "No, my career will be over first!"
The main character is Jenna, a young woman driving around Idaho (no really, Idaho) with her father. They stop to help some women by the side of the road. These women include Julia (Brinke Stevens, as close as this movie has to a real star) and Carmilla. Julia convinces Mary’s father to give Carmilla a ride. Carmilla’s name is a dead giveaway (or is that an undead giveaway?) of what kind of movie this really is. Carmilla is a famous 19th century novel that has inspired, directly or indirectly, every lesbian vampire movie ever made, the most famous of these being the three films in Hammer’s “Karstein” trilogy. After a scene where “The General” encounters Julia the movie reveals that all this driving around the most boring state in the union is part of a vaguely defined military anti-vampire plan The General and Jenna’s father are running, unbeknownst to Jenna. Meanwhile Julia is running some sort of ill defined plan of her own, and getting Carmilla near Jenna was part of it. As you might guess, a couple of badly staged lesbian scenes result.
"Listen up! My career was over before we even started filming!"
The problem is that the description above makes the movie sound far more coherent than it actually plays. Notice I didn’t even mention zombies? Well, they’re there in the background of the scenario, but they only seem to exist to occasionally get run over by cars or otherwise killed by the human (but never vampire) characters. Towards the end of the movie Jenna ends up in some sort of building and she sees zombie schoolgirls, but I’m not sure what that had to do with anything. Along the same lines the movie appears to end with the revelation that Jenna’s “real life” is that she’s in an asylum and everything in the movie was just a dream… but she may be having that dream while being torn apart by real zombies. I halfway suspect that Vampires vs. Zombies was originally two completely different movies about the same characters being menaced by vampires and then dealing with a zombie invasion, but I have no proof of that.
Vampires vs. Zombies, sucking the fun out of every fetish.
You know what? This still sounds too coherent. Let me rundown another scene. Towards the beginning of the movie Jenna, her father and Carmilla stop at a gas station. Carmilla has to go to the lady’s room, so she gets the key from the attendant. Then she comes back and says she can’t open the door, so the attendant goes to open it. While alone in the gas station mini-mart Jenna is approached by a Goth-looking chick. Goth chick comments that Mary is a friendly soul, and then Goth chick gives Mary a piece of handmade jewelry. After Jenna leaves and the attendant comes back the Goth chick walks up to the attendant and pulls a gun! Back on the street Jenna hears a gunshot. Then another motorist pulls up to the gas station, goes inside and finds the Goth chick dead. She looks like she shot herself in the mouth. Then the attendant appears again and he's foaming at the mouth, though the motorist doesn't seem to notice until the attendant bites a chunk out of his neck. What the heck is going on here? I have no idea.
"Hello? Would you happen to have an extra career? I really need one."
Don't get sucked into renting this movie just because it has a pretty case. I did, and I regret it. The sad part is that the fact that this movie has managed to get itself stocked in nearly every video store in the country probably means a sequel is on the way. Vampires vs. Mummies? Wolfmen vs. Fish People? The mind boggles.
Posted: Mon - October 25, 2004 at
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My name is Scott Hamilton and I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. My e-mail is Scott (at) stomptokyo.com.
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Stomp Tokyo Video Reviews - My website, all about cult movies. Created by myself and Chris Holland.
Giant Monster Movies - My site devoted to a database of giant monster movies.
Cult DVD Zone - Stomp Tokyo's store full of rare movies and TV shows on DVD-R.
B-Movie Message Board - Message board for Stomp Tokyo.
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Reel Shame - About the book I co-wrote.
My .Mac Homepage - Movies that I'm sharing.
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Giant Monster Movies - My site devoted to a database of giant monster movies.
Cult DVD Zone - Stomp Tokyo's store full of rare movies and TV shows on DVD-R.
B-Movie Message Board - Message board for Stomp Tokyo.
Blue Glow - Chris Holland's weblog, mostly about TV.
Reel Shame - About the book I co-wrote.
My .Mac Homepage - Movies that I'm sharing.
My Flickr Page - Pictures that I'm sharing.
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Blue Glow - Chris Holland's weblog, mostly about TV.
FilmBuffStuff - Stomp Tokyo's shopping blog.
Prawn Bites - Ask him about kung fu movies.
Tachyon-City - Nathan of Cold Fusion Video Reveiw's blog.
Yes, I Know - Freex of The Bad Movie Report's blog.
Background Radiati0n - The inane ramblings of a Brit living in the USA.
Make Friends the Joe Bannerman Way - "Maria Ford Forever", indeed.
FilmBuffStuff - Stomp Tokyo's shopping blog.
Prawn Bites - Ask him about kung fu movies.
Tachyon-City - Nathan of Cold Fusion Video Reveiw's blog.
Yes, I Know - Freex of The Bad Movie Report's blog.
Background Radiati0n - The inane ramblings of a Brit living in the USA.
Make Friends the Joe Bannerman Way - "Maria Ford Forever", indeed.
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