The Arena



Here’s a movie tailor made for this blog. It is directed by a flashy but story-challenged foreign director, it is set in Roman times despite a miniscule budget, it stars two Playboy Playmates and has a supporting cast that didn’t speak English. How could this movie possibly be bad?


The fall of the Roman Empire or just a party at Hef's place?

The Arena was the first English language film from Timur Bekmambetov, the director behind the movie Night Watch (2004) and its sequel Day Watch (2006). It actually came out years ago, in 2001, suggesting Mr. Bekmambetov has had Hollywood ambitions for a while now. But first Bekmambetov had to get past that great gatekeeper to tinsel town, producer Roger Corman. Corman’s company Concorde produced The Arena, basically to capitalize on the big-budget film Gladiator (2000). Say what you will about Corman, he’s never messed with success. If there’s money to be made by leeching onto somebody else’s film, Corman will be there, suckers at the ready.

The only credited writer is John Corrington, who wrote the original 1973 version of this story (for Corman, of course) and died in 1988. While the broad outline is the same, someone had to have rewritten Corrington's script, and that person decided to stay anonymous. I understand completely.

The Arena is set in a small Roman outpost somewhere beyond the farthest border of the Empire. The governor Timarchus (Viktor Verzhbitsky) has been charged with civilizing the local barbarians, but apparently the biggest impediment to this is the lack of quality gladiators for the municipal arena. Timarchus sends his lackey to Rome to pick up some slaves, and while he’s buying big burly men he also picks up a value pack of top-heavy women. These include Bodicia of Thrace (Lisa Dergen, Playboy Playmate July 1998) and Jessemina (Karen McDougal, Playboy Playmate December 1997). Once back at the outpost it turns out that even though the new gladiators were trained by the great Septimus (Anatoli Mambetov, Russian Olympic Hockey Team 1968), they’re incredibly lame. Really. The first fight they put on must set some sort of record for lameness. The two “combatants” poke gingerly at each other for an excruciatingly long time until one of them, apparently in an attempt to forestall complete boredom, cuts off the other’s hand.


I'm not sure which one is prettier.

Enraged by this sorry spectacle Timarchus orders Septimus to fight the two remaining gladiators himself. The night before the match these two gladiators sleep with Bodicia and Jessemina (they pair up according to hair color),  and we know it’s true love because the music and lighting tells us so. The next day the match goes on and Septimus kills both his opponents, much to the dismay of the women.

Now that Timarchus has effectively reduced the local gladiatorial population of four to one in two days, he needs new fighters. He happens to hear a commotion in the slaves kitchen and witnesses a squabble between Bodicia and Jessemina and some of the other female slaves and he has a brainwave: Why not have female gladiators? In these more enlightened times this may seem like an obvious conclusion to come to, but one must remember this was a primitive and backwards society we’re talking about here, one that was still thousands of years from inventing foxy boxing and mud wrestling.


"It's your turn to do the dishes!"

You can probably guess the rest. After much training, an escape attempt, and some completely gratuitous evil on the part of Timarchus, our two nominal heroines are pitted against each other in... The Arena. Oh wait, I get it now, that's where the title of the movie comes from! How clever.

The plot is rather pedestrian, but what makes The Arena standout is the many bizarre, almost surrealistic touches.

Whenever we're in the gladiatorial arena the film is tinted a sickly yellow. I'm not sure why, because it seems to be independent of the weather or any other condition. There's even one shot that starts in full color and then fades to yellow. I think that was a mistake.


The arena, under a perpetual sulfur cloud.

The famous "Wilhelm Scream" shows up several times in the movie, and twice in the first scene. It's so obvious I wondered if the movie was a comedy.

There's an odd subplot about a priest of the local religion. He's upset that Timarchus is planning to hold gladiatorial games on a day that is holy to his (unnamed) gods, therefore desecrating it by shedding blood. Fair enough. But he first complains at the beginning of the movie, and the actual holy day doesn't come around until the Bodicia/Jessemina match, which must be months and months later, and many times in between. I can't blame Timarchus for wanting to piss this priest off.


"We're faaabulous!"

On the day before the big match the Romans have a celebration, and it appears to consist entirely of the Roman soldiers standing in a line holding hands while hopping up and down and yelling "Ho ho ho!" over and over again. It's ancient homerotic Riverdance.

The movie ends with the Playmates leading a revolt against the Romans, and end titles inform us that this small act of disobedience led to the fall of the Roman Empire. And people say you can't learn anything from movies.


"They hold hands and hop up and down? How the hell did they conquer us?"

Posted: Sun - January 1, 2006 at      

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