Scott's Random Thought for the Day (Elections Results... From the Grave!)



It's Halloween, and that means it's time to talk about something really scary -- the election on Tuesday.

Living in Florida I'm a little sensitive to election problems, in the same way that vampires are a little sensitive to sunlight. The last thing we need here in Florida is for the election to be disputed. And yet, that's exactly what most people think is going to happen. The Daily Show is calling their election coverage "Prelude to a Recount," and my girlfriend, who works for a newspaper, is utterly convinced this election will be another nightmare.

Hell, even the Republican Party here in Florida sent out a mailing to Republican voters that made it sound like voting absentee was the only way to be sure your vote was counted. That raised some eyebrows, because all the officials entrusted with counting the votes are Republicans, but I'm pretty sure that's not why they were trying to scare people into voting early. President Bush is extremely vulnerable to current events, what with that war in Iraq going so well and Osama Bin Laden still running around, and votes cast absentee are guaranteed not to change no matter what happens between when they're cast and November 2nd. So the Republican party wasn't actually admitting incompetence, just incredible cynicism.

But here's where it's going to get really fun. Technically speaking dead people aren't allowed to vote. Surprising, I know, but it's true! In theory that means that the election office is supposed to be notified of the death of anybody who may have voted absentee. Absentee ballots mailed in aren't opened until election day, so any cast by people who have died in the meantime can be disallowed. In practice this rarely happens, and considering that one group of people likely to die and actually have their deaths reported to the proper authorities are soldiers on duty in Iraq, I suspect our election officials will be particularly lax on this issue, even if they are legally required to do the check. (Take that, P. Diddy! You can Vote and Die!) Adding to the confusion is that Florida allows early voting, and those votes, even if they're cast two weeks early, count as if they were cast on election day. So if you vote early, step outside and get hit by a meteorite on the sidewalk outside, your vote still counts as if it were cast on Election Day, no matter how many square miles your pulverized remains are spread over.

When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will vote in Florida.

Posted: Sun - October 31, 2004 at      

©