Scott's Random Thought for the Day (My Plan)



As you’ve probably heard Tom Ridge, the head of the Department of Homeland Security is resigning. That’s probably all you’ve heard from him lately. Sure, during the Presidential campaign it seemed like he held a press conference at least once a week, and they just happened to correspond to developments in the Kerry campaign, but I’m sure that was completely a coincidence. Like the Monday after Kerry announced Edwards as his running mate, Ridge called a press conference to inform America that there were “credible” yet completely nonspecific reasons to think that terrorists wanted to disrupt our elections, but he wasn’t going to raise the terror threat level or ask anyone to do anything. See, that was completely vital information, and I’m sure Ridge wasn’t trying to overshadow press coverage of Kerry. The fact that these press conferences stopped after Bush was elected was also a complete coincidence.

The one thing Ridge has done in the last month is announce a new ad campaign that’s going to raise the specter of kids bugging their parents about setting up a “plan” in case of a terrorist attack. That’s right parents, it’s up to you to come up with a plan to help your family survive an attack that will be coming at an unknown time, in an unknown place, and will take an unknown form. So all you have to do is come up with a plan that is equally adept at dealing with hijacked planes, biological weapon releases, suicide bombers, dirty bombs, random shootings, nerve gas, poisoned food, and absolutely everything else terrorists might think of. Oh, and have it ready by Saturday.

In honor of Ridge leaving, I decided to take up his challenge even though I don’t have kids. This was my first attempt at a compressive plan for what to do if terrorists attack:


Disaster Plan

Part I

Section A – Listing of Procedures.

Procedures:

1. Run.



I thought this was pretty good, but then I remembered what Tremors taught me: “Running isn’t a plan. Running is what you do when the plan fails.” Here’s my second draft:


Disaster Plan

Part I

Section A – Listing of Procedures.

Procedures:

1. Bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.


I liked this one too, but then I decided it was a little defeatist. This is America! The land of opportunity! Even an alcholoic businessman who’s never run a business that didn’t fail can become President of the United States! I decided to try thinking like a terrorist, and then formulate a plan based on the weaknesses of their logic:


Disaster Plan

Part I

Section A – Listing of Procedures.

Procedures:

1. Move to Montana.


This would effectively avoid any terrorist attack, as terrorists are far more likely to strike New York City or Washington DC than any other place in America. On the other hand, moving to a sparsely populated, wind-blasted hellscape just to be safe from terrorists seems a bit too much like letting the terrorists win. I think I’ll just stay where I am, and hope that should the worst happen my innate common sense will get me through the completely unpredictable circumstances. And if we’re all lucky, our next head of Homeland Security will devote less time to drawing up color coded charts and dreaming up busy work for the citizenry and devote more time to actually preventing terrorist attacks.

Posted: Thu - December 2, 2004 at      

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