B-Fest 2004: The Blog Entry
This weekend I went to Chicago with Chris for
B-Fest 2004. That’s a 24 hour film festival held on the campus of NWU.
Being from Florida, I imagined that Chicago, with its inexplicably far northern latitude, would be a wind-blasted, frozen-over hellscape. I was only partly right. Arriving in Chicago on Thursday, I found out it was actually a salt-encrusted, wind-blasted, frozen-over hellscape. It seems that Chicago’s main strategy to deal with snow is to cover he streets with so much salt that anything even casually associated with moving vehicles becomes covered with more sodium than the peanuts at an airport bar. The temperature was 9 degrees, which is not really a temperature at all. That’s the combined score from a hockey game.
The Fest this year was, from what I hear, the best attended ever. There were 250 seats available (the theater holds about 350) and I believe all the tickets were sold. There was even a crowd of people forming out in the lobby waiting to take advantage of reserved tickets that weren’t picked up. I’m pretty sure, however, that everyone who wanted to get in got in. I was also struck by how hardcore the crowd was this year. In past years a sizable chunk of people would leave after Plan 9 from Outer Space, but this year that never seemed to happen.
The first film was The Brain from Planet Arous, a classic, if not classy, b-movie from 1957. John Agar is a scientist of undetermined discipline who is possessed by an alien criminal named Gor, who appears as a giant flying brain with glowing eyes. Gor uses Agar’s body to sexually assault Agar’s fiancee, then uses telekinetic power (I think) to blow up an airplane and blackmail all the world’s governments into submitting to his rule. Another brain, this one good, possesses the finance’s dog, and spends the rest of the movie licking his own privates.
The Brain from Planet Arous really isn't that good or that bad. It is just kind of there. The only memorable scenes are the two scenes are when Agar flails wildly at the floating brain with a variety of objects, as if he's hoping it will break open and candy will come out. If it weren't for the piñata factor, I doubt anyone would remember The Brain From Planet Arous.
The next film was Robot Jox (1990) a sci-fi film from Stuart Gordon. In the future our planet has run low on resources, so the superpowers fight over them in the only humane way they can think of: They build giant robots, train martial artists to pilot them, and have them fight each other! The main thing that struck me about this time watching Robot Jox was how similar it was to the later "alternate universe" Gundam series Mobile Fighter G Gundam. Robot Jox is probably most infamous for the last few scenes, where the movie throws out everything that's gone before. The ponderous robots suddenly blast off into space, and the two main protagonists go from being mortal enemies to costarring in a Budweiser commercial in about ten seconds flat.
Next up was The Beatniks (1960), which was on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Don't expect any bongo drums or bad poetry, this movie posits that beatniks are guys in their mid-twenties who commit armed robber while wearing skull masks. But when one of the members of the gang is spotted by a music agent, he has to choose between becoming a big singing star of hanging out with the gang. The decision is complicated by the fact that he has a thing for the agent's secretary, though her somewhat... unconventional looks brought much screaming from the audience every time she got a close-up.
The Beast With Five Fingers (1947) is about a one-handed pianist who dies in a fall down some stairs. It appears that the dead man's hand is still mobile, stalking the dead man's mansion and killing anyone who gets close to the secret of the dead man's will. But who is really behind the murders? Is it the dead man's secretary played by Peter Lorre? The dead man's nurse? The antique dealer who sold him some home furnishings? Or the dead man's only two blood relatives, who arrived in the movie with no introduction because a reel was missing?
Who are we fooling, it was Peter Lorre. The fact that we know that Lorre will be the killer makes the whole movie a kind of exercise in trying to be excited about what we already know, like reading a completed crossword puzzle. The movie also has about four fake endings, which seemed to fit into the apparent theme for the night, movies that can't figure out how to come to a satisfying conclusion.
Next up were the traditions at B-Fest, the short The Wizard of Speed and Time and Plan 9 from Outer Space. I mostly skipped out on these, but I was back in time for...
Monkey Hustle (1976), which was preceded by the short Monkey Business, which proved that disturbing talking animals are not a recent invention. In any case, Monkey Hustle is a plotless blaxploitation film starring Yaphet Kotto as a small-time con man. He teaches some kids the "monkey hustle," hangs out with extreme pimp Goldie (Rudy Ray Moore!), and smiles a whole lot. Towards the end conflict comes about in form of an abrupt appearance by a bulldozer crew trying to build a freeway through the neighborhood, which is then defeated by a block party and a guy in a limo. I have no freaking clue what was going on, but as they say in Monkey Hustle, it ain't no never mind.
Finally we got to Alice in Wonderland (1976), the famous porn film. It's not hardcore, though there is copious nudity. Alice (Kristine DeBell) is a librarian who steps through a mirror and finds a magical world of talking animals, community theater actors in tight costumes, and masturbation. The movie is basically a comedy with lots of naughty jokes ("Alice Learns You Can't Keep A Good ManDown Up") and the occasional naked romp by the
stars.
Time for sleeppppp.... So I missed the next two film, Spawn of the Slithis (1978) and Devil Girl from Mars (1954). but I was up for...
Airport '77 (1977). I love the Airport films, they're so cheesy. Ironically, this is the movie where the formula officially ran dry. A 747 outfitted like luxury liner (in my sleep deprived haze I thought I remember a line of dialogue suggesting the movie took place in the future) is hijacked by art thieves, but the thieves accidently steer the plane into an oil rig and the plane hits the water and sinks. In the Bermuda Triangle! Whee! Time to flood an airliner set!
The cast includes Jack Lemmon, Christopher Lee, Brenda Vaccaro, Darren McGavin and James Stewart (Wow!), but what you'll remember is the stereotypes. There is the woman who cracks up, there's the doctor who has a secret, there's the physically disadvantaged musician, and all of them are introduced so quickly and have so little to do until their respective payoff scenes you can't help but laugh. The only part of the movie I liked was the end, where the Navy raises the plane with balloons and canvas straps.
The Forbidden Dance (1990) is one of my favorite movies based on a dance craze, in this case the Lambada. But first off, assuming you were going to make a movie based on the Lambada, who is the last person you'd put in it? Most people would say Richard Lynch. Guess what, he's the villain in The Forbidden Dance, and the scene where he whips off his coat to Lambada with the main character had half the audience wretching before the coat hit the ground.
Our main character is Nisa, princess of an Amazonian tribe. When an evil developer (um... Lynch!) threatens to destroy her village, she travels to the L.A. with her shaman sidekick played by... wait for it... Sid Haig! The shaman can apparently do real magic, including blowing things up by pointing a feather at them and making an animal-skin bag burn the hand of anyone stupid enough to catch it when tossed. Nisa gets work as a maid for a rich family, but flees when she pisses them off by going on a date with son. She then goes to work at a sleazy club where she dances with men for money, and finally she gets back together with the son and together they win a dance contest that somehow saves the rain forest. There's also a bit where Lynch kidnaps Nisa, leading to the aforementioned unpleasant scene.
The Forbidden Dance wants to have a positive message. As a matter of fact, it wants to have three, but it messes them all up. First of all, winning a dance contest fronted by Kid Kreole and the Coconuts will not save the rain forest.
Secondly, there's a scene where another maid at the rich family's house begins seducing Sid Haig. (Don't squeeze the shaman!) The maid produces some condoms, which is nice concession to safe sex, but who would believe Sid Haig having healthy, normal sex? Now, in The Big Doll House where Sid Haig plays a guy who delivers supplies to the women's prison because he hopes to get raped by a desperate inmate, that's believable.
Thirdly, the rich son guy pays lip service to not drinking and driving, but when he leaves a club carrying a liquor bottle he hands it to a valet, which may not be the best way to promote not drinking and driving.
Next up was The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961), another film that was on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Having recently watched Red Zone Cuba (1966) recently, I decided I'd done enough time with Coleman Francis and went to lunch.
Then came Fortress (1993), another film by Stuart Gordon. Christopher Lambert and his wife are put in a super-prison for having more than one kid. Kurtwood Smith is the warden of the futuristic facility, which controls inmates through intestinal explosives and invading their dreams. It's gory, dumb, and moderately fun. The ending, however, is a horrible cop-out, with Lambert's wife, in labor, some how surviving unscathed after the shack she's in is blown two stories high by a flaming, computer controlled truck.
The next movie was supposed to be The H-Man (1958), but the film broke. Instead we watched a bunch of shorts, including a great one about stereotypes on TV and another one about courtesy. I love shorts. This year they also showed the French midget short Gavotte.
Almost done. The Magnetic Monster (1953) is a slow-moving sci-fi story about a hunk of metal that "explodes" magnetically every 11 hours. If it does this too many times, the earth will be destroyed. So the hunk of metal is exposed to copious stock footage from the obscure German film Gold (1934) until it dies of boredom. The End. This movie reminded me of my favorite stereotype from the 1950s, where there are two scientists partnered up, one being a manly stud (in this movie they even make a big deal about him having a pregnant wife, hint, hint) and the other one is a geek. But the stud is always the far more competent scientist, which always makes me laugh.
The final movie was The Big Brawl (1980), which we reviewed on Stomp Tokyo recently. It turns out to be an incredibly fun movie with an audience, and was incredibly well received. Having seen the movie in Chinese twice, I was amused to find that the Chinese language version is actually much funnier than the original English version. For instance, the English version doesn't have the line "I supply my brother with patients," and the Chinese version minces no words in calling the woman who replaces the fiancee a whore, while that's never stated in English.
That's about it. I just wanted to thank everyone who helped make this B-Fest so enjoyable for us, including but not limited to organizer Andy Freeburg, Ken Begg, Mark Hurst, Jeff Witham, Paul and Holly Smith, The BMMB crew, The Warden (sorry about your feet), Joe Bannerman, Chris Magyar, Lodore Brown, Skip Mitchell, George Rizen, Jennie Burroughs, and everyone else I'm forgetting. It was a great time!
Being from Florida, I imagined that Chicago, with its inexplicably far northern latitude, would be a wind-blasted, frozen-over hellscape. I was only partly right. Arriving in Chicago on Thursday, I found out it was actually a salt-encrusted, wind-blasted, frozen-over hellscape. It seems that Chicago’s main strategy to deal with snow is to cover he streets with so much salt that anything even casually associated with moving vehicles becomes covered with more sodium than the peanuts at an airport bar. The temperature was 9 degrees, which is not really a temperature at all. That’s the combined score from a hockey game.
The Fest this year was, from what I hear, the best attended ever. There were 250 seats available (the theater holds about 350) and I believe all the tickets were sold. There was even a crowd of people forming out in the lobby waiting to take advantage of reserved tickets that weren’t picked up. I’m pretty sure, however, that everyone who wanted to get in got in. I was also struck by how hardcore the crowd was this year. In past years a sizable chunk of people would leave after Plan 9 from Outer Space, but this year that never seemed to happen.
The first film was The Brain from Planet Arous, a classic, if not classy, b-movie from 1957. John Agar is a scientist of undetermined discipline who is possessed by an alien criminal named Gor, who appears as a giant flying brain with glowing eyes. Gor uses Agar’s body to sexually assault Agar’s fiancee, then uses telekinetic power (I think) to blow up an airplane and blackmail all the world’s governments into submitting to his rule. Another brain, this one good, possesses the finance’s dog, and spends the rest of the movie licking his own privates.
The Brain from Planet Arous really isn't that good or that bad. It is just kind of there. The only memorable scenes are the two scenes are when Agar flails wildly at the floating brain with a variety of objects, as if he's hoping it will break open and candy will come out. If it weren't for the piñata factor, I doubt anyone would remember The Brain From Planet Arous.
The next film was Robot Jox (1990) a sci-fi film from Stuart Gordon. In the future our planet has run low on resources, so the superpowers fight over them in the only humane way they can think of: They build giant robots, train martial artists to pilot them, and have them fight each other! The main thing that struck me about this time watching Robot Jox was how similar it was to the later "alternate universe" Gundam series Mobile Fighter G Gundam. Robot Jox is probably most infamous for the last few scenes, where the movie throws out everything that's gone before. The ponderous robots suddenly blast off into space, and the two main protagonists go from being mortal enemies to costarring in a Budweiser commercial in about ten seconds flat.
Next up was The Beatniks (1960), which was on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Don't expect any bongo drums or bad poetry, this movie posits that beatniks are guys in their mid-twenties who commit armed robber while wearing skull masks. But when one of the members of the gang is spotted by a music agent, he has to choose between becoming a big singing star of hanging out with the gang. The decision is complicated by the fact that he has a thing for the agent's secretary, though her somewhat... unconventional looks brought much screaming from the audience every time she got a close-up.
The Beast With Five Fingers (1947) is about a one-handed pianist who dies in a fall down some stairs. It appears that the dead man's hand is still mobile, stalking the dead man's mansion and killing anyone who gets close to the secret of the dead man's will. But who is really behind the murders? Is it the dead man's secretary played by Peter Lorre? The dead man's nurse? The antique dealer who sold him some home furnishings? Or the dead man's only two blood relatives, who arrived in the movie with no introduction because a reel was missing?
Who are we fooling, it was Peter Lorre. The fact that we know that Lorre will be the killer makes the whole movie a kind of exercise in trying to be excited about what we already know, like reading a completed crossword puzzle. The movie also has about four fake endings, which seemed to fit into the apparent theme for the night, movies that can't figure out how to come to a satisfying conclusion.
Next up were the traditions at B-Fest, the short The Wizard of Speed and Time and Plan 9 from Outer Space. I mostly skipped out on these, but I was back in time for...
Monkey Hustle (1976), which was preceded by the short Monkey Business, which proved that disturbing talking animals are not a recent invention. In any case, Monkey Hustle is a plotless blaxploitation film starring Yaphet Kotto as a small-time con man. He teaches some kids the "monkey hustle," hangs out with extreme pimp Goldie (Rudy Ray Moore!), and smiles a whole lot. Towards the end conflict comes about in form of an abrupt appearance by a bulldozer crew trying to build a freeway through the neighborhood, which is then defeated by a block party and a guy in a limo. I have no freaking clue what was going on, but as they say in Monkey Hustle, it ain't no never mind.
Finally we got to Alice in Wonderland (1976), the famous porn film. It's not hardcore, though there is copious nudity. Alice (Kristine DeBell) is a librarian who steps through a mirror and finds a magical world of talking animals, community theater actors in tight costumes, and masturbation. The movie is basically a comedy with lots of naughty jokes ("Alice Learns You Can't Keep A Good Man
Time for sleeppppp.... So I missed the next two film, Spawn of the Slithis (1978) and Devil Girl from Mars (1954). but I was up for...
Airport '77 (1977). I love the Airport films, they're so cheesy. Ironically, this is the movie where the formula officially ran dry. A 747 outfitted like luxury liner (in my sleep deprived haze I thought I remember a line of dialogue suggesting the movie took place in the future) is hijacked by art thieves, but the thieves accidently steer the plane into an oil rig and the plane hits the water and sinks. In the Bermuda Triangle! Whee! Time to flood an airliner set!
The cast includes Jack Lemmon, Christopher Lee, Brenda Vaccaro, Darren McGavin and James Stewart (Wow!), but what you'll remember is the stereotypes. There is the woman who cracks up, there's the doctor who has a secret, there's the physically disadvantaged musician, and all of them are introduced so quickly and have so little to do until their respective payoff scenes you can't help but laugh. The only part of the movie I liked was the end, where the Navy raises the plane with balloons and canvas straps.
The Forbidden Dance (1990) is one of my favorite movies based on a dance craze, in this case the Lambada. But first off, assuming you were going to make a movie based on the Lambada, who is the last person you'd put in it? Most people would say Richard Lynch. Guess what, he's the villain in The Forbidden Dance, and the scene where he whips off his coat to Lambada with the main character had half the audience wretching before the coat hit the ground.
Our main character is Nisa, princess of an Amazonian tribe. When an evil developer (um... Lynch!) threatens to destroy her village, she travels to the L.A. with her shaman sidekick played by... wait for it... Sid Haig! The shaman can apparently do real magic, including blowing things up by pointing a feather at them and making an animal-skin bag burn the hand of anyone stupid enough to catch it when tossed. Nisa gets work as a maid for a rich family, but flees when she pisses them off by going on a date with son. She then goes to work at a sleazy club where she dances with men for money, and finally she gets back together with the son and together they win a dance contest that somehow saves the rain forest. There's also a bit where Lynch kidnaps Nisa, leading to the aforementioned unpleasant scene.
The Forbidden Dance wants to have a positive message. As a matter of fact, it wants to have three, but it messes them all up. First of all, winning a dance contest fronted by Kid Kreole and the Coconuts will not save the rain forest.
Secondly, there's a scene where another maid at the rich family's house begins seducing Sid Haig. (Don't squeeze the shaman!) The maid produces some condoms, which is nice concession to safe sex, but who would believe Sid Haig having healthy, normal sex? Now, in The Big Doll House where Sid Haig plays a guy who delivers supplies to the women's prison because he hopes to get raped by a desperate inmate, that's believable.
Thirdly, the rich son guy pays lip service to not drinking and driving, but when he leaves a club carrying a liquor bottle he hands it to a valet, which may not be the best way to promote not drinking and driving.
Next up was The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961), another film that was on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Having recently watched Red Zone Cuba (1966) recently, I decided I'd done enough time with Coleman Francis and went to lunch.
Then came Fortress (1993), another film by Stuart Gordon. Christopher Lambert and his wife are put in a super-prison for having more than one kid. Kurtwood Smith is the warden of the futuristic facility, which controls inmates through intestinal explosives and invading their dreams. It's gory, dumb, and moderately fun. The ending, however, is a horrible cop-out, with Lambert's wife, in labor, some how surviving unscathed after the shack she's in is blown two stories high by a flaming, computer controlled truck.
The next movie was supposed to be The H-Man (1958), but the film broke. Instead we watched a bunch of shorts, including a great one about stereotypes on TV and another one about courtesy. I love shorts. This year they also showed the French midget short Gavotte.
Almost done. The Magnetic Monster (1953) is a slow-moving sci-fi story about a hunk of metal that "explodes" magnetically every 11 hours. If it does this too many times, the earth will be destroyed. So the hunk of metal is exposed to copious stock footage from the obscure German film Gold (1934) until it dies of boredom. The End. This movie reminded me of my favorite stereotype from the 1950s, where there are two scientists partnered up, one being a manly stud (in this movie they even make a big deal about him having a pregnant wife, hint, hint) and the other one is a geek. But the stud is always the far more competent scientist, which always makes me laugh.
The final movie was The Big Brawl (1980), which we reviewed on Stomp Tokyo recently. It turns out to be an incredibly fun movie with an audience, and was incredibly well received. Having seen the movie in Chinese twice, I was amused to find that the Chinese language version is actually much funnier than the original English version. For instance, the English version doesn't have the line "I supply my brother with patients," and the Chinese version minces no words in calling the woman who replaces the fiancee a whore, while that's never stated in English.
That's about it. I just wanted to thank everyone who helped make this B-Fest so enjoyable for us, including but not limited to organizer Andy Freeburg, Ken Begg, Mark Hurst, Jeff Witham, Paul and Holly Smith, The BMMB crew, The Warden (sorry about your feet), Joe Bannerman, Chris Magyar, Lodore Brown, Skip Mitchell, George Rizen, Jennie Burroughs, and everyone else I'm forgetting. It was a great time!
Posted: Wed - February 4, 2004 at
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My name is Scott Hamilton and I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. My e-mail is Scott (at) stomptokyo.com.
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Stomp Tokyo Video Reviews - My website, all about cult movies. Created by myself and Chris Holland.
Giant Monster Movies - My site devoted to a database of giant monster movies.
Cult DVD Zone - Stomp Tokyo's store full of rare movies and TV shows on DVD-R.
B-Movie Message Board - Message board for Stomp Tokyo.
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Reel Shame - About the book I co-wrote.
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Giant Monster Movies - My site devoted to a database of giant monster movies.
Cult DVD Zone - Stomp Tokyo's store full of rare movies and TV shows on DVD-R.
B-Movie Message Board - Message board for Stomp Tokyo.
Blue Glow - Chris Holland's weblog, mostly about TV.
Reel Shame - About the book I co-wrote.
My .Mac Homepage - Movies that I'm sharing.
My Flickr Page - Pictures that I'm sharing.
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Blue Glow - Chris Holland's weblog, mostly about TV.
FilmBuffStuff - Stomp Tokyo's shopping blog.
Prawn Bites - Ask him about kung fu movies.
Tachyon-City - Nathan of Cold Fusion Video Reveiw's blog.
Yes, I Know - Freex of The Bad Movie Report's blog.
Background Radiati0n - The inane ramblings of a Brit living in the USA.
Make Friends the Joe Bannerman Way - "Maria Ford Forever", indeed.
FilmBuffStuff - Stomp Tokyo's shopping blog.
Prawn Bites - Ask him about kung fu movies.
Tachyon-City - Nathan of Cold Fusion Video Reveiw's blog.
Yes, I Know - Freex of The Bad Movie Report's blog.
Background Radiati0n - The inane ramblings of a Brit living in the USA.
Make Friends the Joe Bannerman Way - "Maria Ford Forever", indeed.
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Hard Boiled (Import, 1992)
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Hand of Death (1976)
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Published On: Jul 16, 2006 10:41 PM
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