What do Danny Glover, Mel Gibson, Ted Danson,
Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, Jay Leno and Pat Morita have in common?
That’s right.
They’re all great actors who have teamed up (in a variety of
collaborations) to make great cop movies.
Over the years, and 
through
the seemingly endless slew of cop movies I’ve seen, only one thing
has perplexed me: When
will the inevitable team-up
occur? Almost everyone
imaginable has been in a cop movie - even to the point of
incredibility. I mean, Tom
Selleck as a cop?
Please.
Finally, in 1988, destiny was no longer denied.
Jerry London had a dream, and that dream united screen legend
Burt Reynolds with the incomparable Liza Minnelli.
And Jerry London had a name for his dream, and that name was Rent-a-Cop.
The Burt plays Church, a rough-around-the-edges
cop with a knack for solving cases, cracking skulls, and irritating
the perpetually-angry police chief.
Church doesn’t play by the rules - he makes
them! Unfortunately,
Church’s sterling reputation is shattered when a routine drug bust
at a posh hotel goes horribly wrong.
As the police close in for the sting, a hired assassin by the
name of Dancer suddenly crashes the party with flash grenades and
automatic weapons. Both
drug dealers and cops alike are ruthlessly mowed down in a hail of
gunfire, not to mention several of the hotel’s expensive towels turn
up missing.
Fortunately, Church survives the melee.
Unfortunately, Church receives a Royal Ass-Chewing* upon his
return to the precinct. The
department’s aristocracy isn’t too pleased with the botched bust,
nor are they happy with Burt’s rather gruff attitude.
Ch
urch,
of course, doesn’t take any of their crap.
He’s a cop, dammit! And a good
one! Many of his fellow
officers - his friends -
were killed in that fiasco! Good
officers! Only two weeks
from retirement! Church
makes absolutely no bones about telling his supervisors where they can
stick their precious rules and regulations.
He then triumphantly tosses his badge and leaves the station
with both his integrity and mustache intact.
Sadly, Church finds the job market not very
accommodating to Rough-and-Ready-Cops
Who-Don’t-Have-Time-for-the-Rules.
He soon finds himself playing security in a Santa suit at the
local mall. All this
changes, however, when he’s approached by a Hooker with a Heart of
Gold (Liza Minnelli, in the role she was born to play)*.
Unbeknownst to almost everyone, she was the sole witness who
saw Dancer’s face before the shooting, and now Dancer wants her
dead. He injured her
severely once. Who knows
what he’ll do if afforded a second opportunity (we, the viewers, can
only dream). The cops, of
course, want nothing to do with helping a hooker.
And Church, at first, wants nothing to do with her either.
But his mall security gig isn’t really working out, and as I
said before, Church is a good cop.
He can’t turn anyone down in a time of need, even Liza
Minnelli. Church
reluctantly takes the job to protect the lady.
What Burt doesn’t realize, however, is that Dancer is an
assassin of the elite variety (at least in that particular coun
ty).
He’s a true professional, despite having a stupid name.
For the first time, Church may have bitten off
more than he can chew.
I’m kidding!
We’re talking about Burt Reynolds, baby!
It’ll be a cold day in Hell before some candy-ass named
“Dancer” gets the best of a cop with a mustache like Burt
Reynolds’!
Sadly, though Burt Reynolds eventually triumphs
once again, Rent-a-Cop is
not a good movie. The
story is pretty cookie-cutter, the action is few and far between, and
Burt looks like I felt watching the film: Bored. As
a matter of fact, the only entertainment I got from Rent-a-Cop
was watching it with my friend Jesse, who, it turns out, vehemently
despises Liza Minnelli (and I think he’s not particularly fond of
Burt Reynolds either). Every
time Minnelli was onscreen doing her “I’m Obnoxious but
Loveable” bit, Jesse threatened to jump through the roof and/or tear
the eyes from his head. His
fragile mind was finally pushed over the edge when Burt actually
initiated some Hanky-Panky with his diminutiv
e
co-star. This particular
act simply couldn’t be fathomed nor understood by Jesse’s weakened
sense of reason and logic. It
did not compute. His eyes
immediately glassed over and he was reduced to mumbling incoherent
rice recipes involving cheese and baked beans.
Personally, Liza Minnelli doesn’t bother me.
Sure, she’s obnoxious, but she’s Liza Minnelli.
Being obnoxious is her bread and butter.
Taking away her obnoxiousness would be like denying Dave
Coulier his affably wholesome comedic charm.
On second thought, perhaps I’m starting to see things from
Jesse’s perspective.
Burt Reynolds is, of course, Burt Reynolds.
The man can play “Gruff Cop” while standing on one foot,
half asleep (which he pretty much does in Rent-a-Cop). The same
can be said for James Remar with his role as the Dancing Assassin.
How many times has this guy played a psychotic villain?
After fingers and toes I lose count.
He’s almost up there with Jon Voight in terms of redundant
cinematic villainy.
In short, Rent-a-Cop
is for Burt Reynolds’ completists only (and so far, I think I’m
the only one). It may be
fun to torture Liza Minnelli haters with, but it’s really not worth
your time. Get your Burt
fix from superior films like Malone
and Sharky’s Machine. They’re
not great either, but they’re far more entertaining.
