Director: Jim Wynorski
USA - 1993
America has a fascination with breasts.
Its true. We love em. Men gawk at them. Women wear clothes to accentuate
them. Now, this doesnt necessarily apply to everybody, so all you PC fascists can relax. But I will venture to say that a good majority of the
general public partake in this fascination. As a matter of fact, "fascination"
may not be a strong enough word "obsession" is a bit more like it.
I like to consider myself a somewhat normal male. Sure, Im not too crazy about
most sports, but Ive been known to catch the occasional hockey game every once in a
while. Granted, Id rather eat my shoe than down a glass of beer, but I have nothing
against alcohol in and of itself. And Ill admit, sporting a wife-beater and spending
an afternoon chucking horseshoes doesnt sound so appealing, but I do have an ample
supply of the popular undershirt, and on any given day I may be found sporting one while
playing Donkey Kong on my Super Nintendo. So yes, I dont indulge in many
testosterone-charged activities, but I am
a fairly normal guy. And with that in mind I can admit, I too enjoy the aforementioned
body part as much as the next Neanderthal; but as we all know, true beauty is on the
inside. It is!
So, weve established that there is, in fact, an obsession; but even said
infatuation doesnt justify an entire film based solely on breasts alone. You need some
semblance of plot; something that slightly resembles a story. You must make the audience
feel for the characters, understand their plight, and care about the consequences of their
actions. After one has firmly established these crucial elements of sound filmmaking, then
you whip out the boobs. Jim Wynorski thought he could concoct some half-baked movie and assumed that the popularity of breasts would
overshadow the films many inconsistencies. Jim Wynorski, Im afraid, was
Three temps check into their new assignment downtown. Their mission? Sift through boxes
of the companys receipts, then categorize and file them. So, they check in with
their boss, Mr. Plympton, who had just finished "interviewing" a fourth temp
(hes introduced while zipping up his pants). He then gives the jobs specifics
and leaves, stating hell be checking back in with them later.
Soon thereafter the mail is delivered, and even though the parcels have nothing to do with our temps, the girls
Oh wait, did I mention the temps are all female? Well, they are. And coincidentally
(ha!), the actresses are also all former Playmates - a friend informed me of this. Really!
If you are in need of specific months/years/editions, then youre just going to have
to talk to him.
So anyway, the girls decide to rummage through the days delivery (dont they
know thats a federal crime?). Amidst the "Have You Seen Me?" pamphlets and
the reminders from Publishers Clearing House to return your ballots, they discover a
mysterious box. Upon opening this box, the room is suddenly soaked in a brilliant white
light - then, just as suddenly, all is quiet again. We then come to find out that the box
was shipped there by mistake, the proper recipient being one Dr. Newton (Forrest Ackerman)
across town. When Newton discovers this grave error in postage handling, he realizes that
the girls are in for a night of stark terror, and we, the viewers, are in for an hour and
a half of sheer boredom.
Back on the job, the girls head down to the basement and begin moving boxes of receipts
upstairs. Since the basement is so dirty, the girls, naturally, soon find themselves
covered in dust and grime. After successfully moving a majority of the parcels, they
decide to take a break, order some carryout, and utilize Mr. Plymptons office shower
So, they all bathe (individually, you cads!), and then put on some lingerie. Oh,
didnt I mention that theyre working for Acme Lingerie? Convenient, no?
Besides, we must perish the thought of putting dirty clothes on clean bodies, right?
Now donned in frills, lace and thongs, the girls separate some head downstairs
to continue moving, others take five in the office, and one makes her way to the
lobby to wait for the impending carryout. Sure as the day is long, the girls begin to get
eliminated one-by-one by a shadowy figure with a hook.
Could it be Orville Ketchum - the lumbering custodian (that means janitor) with a dazed
maniacal look in his eyes and the social skills of a dishrag? After all, he was
involved in that incident a few years back when another bevy of beauties was killed by a
maniac with a drill. Even though he was commended for actually trying to help the girls,
he's still pretty creepy looking - so that alone places him pretty high on the suspect
Or could the murders be possibly connected to that cryptic box misdelivered earlier?
Perhaps an evil spirit was inadvertently unleashed. Perhaps it's the spirit of Hocksetter,
the maniac from the aforementioned drilling spree. Perhaps he possessed one of the girls, and she is now being forced to carry out his
bidding. Who knows? Im just guessing here.
Folks, dont even bother with this one. No gore. No story. Nothing particularly
interesting. Sure, there are plenty of breasts, but sometimes thats just not enough.
(A good start, perhaps, but still not enough.) Before ogling another human being, the
ogler must get to know that person their feelings, their dreams in essence,
what makes them tick. A hot bod just isnt as hot unless you know and respect that
Aw hell, I dont know what Im talking about. Just dont see the damn
- Hey! Did those boobs just squeak?
- In one scene, we see four of the five temps in an elevator. When they reach
their destination floor, five girls step out. (And this scene also served as
another opportunity for the girls to bump into Ketchum needless to say, after such
comic consequences wackiness must surely ensue. Oy! My sides!)
- Flashbacks to an entirely different film Slumber Party Massacre, to be
exact. When a bad movie uses yet another bad movie to provide exposition, you know
theres gonna be trouble ahead.
- When discussing the tardiness of the carryout service (the carryout girl being played
by Monique Gabrielle, by the way), one of the girls remarks that if the food doesnt
get here soon its "gonna get charbroiled." Now, Ive heard about food
getting cold when its delivered late, but food actually burning due to a time delay
is an entirely new concept to me.
- Ending credits depicting scenes not featured in the movie.
- Ah, just as I thought those breasts did, in fact, squeak.
-- Copyright © 2000 by J. Bannerman