"No officer, I swear, we're
here to deliver a singing telegram."
Hitler's Daughter is a surprisingly violent TV movie that aired in 1990. We saw this in the local TV listing recently and just had to see it. What you need to understand is that six months ago we happened to buy a bad little potboiler by the same name at a used book sale. The cover declares "Hitler's Daughter... Wants to occupy the White House." How could we resist? And lo and behold, the movie, which was on at two in the morning, sandwiched between an endless variety of sex talk line commercials, is in fact based on the book! We were in cannibalistic pop culture heaven!
We are introduced to the main character, Ted Scott (Patrick Cassidy), and he spends the rest of the movie wondering why he doesn't have a last name. Just kidding. Ted is a White House press aide working for a lame duck president during election season. The incumbent Vice President, Elliot Benedict, is running for his boss' job. Virgil Rutledge is running for the other party.
One day, Ted gets a call from an old professor of his named Bauman (Donald Davis). The professor wants to meet with Ted because he has some very important information to give him, but Ted blows him off. This is why Ted is surprised when the Bauman somehow gets into the secured parking garage at Ted's place of business just as Ted is leaving work. Bauman has a package he wants to give Ted, but before he can, both Ted and Bauman are attacked by men posing as security guards. Bauman is killed, Ted is knocked out, and one of the guards shoots himself in the shoulder so Ted will be framed as a killer. Then, taking a cue from every James Bond villain ever, they leave Ted in a car rigged to explode along with Bauman's bullet-ridden file, and they don't check back to make sure Ted is actually dead or the file destroyed when the car explodes.
"I must get this script back to Shumacher
or else he'll have to shoot Batman and Robin without one!"
The car doesn't explode the way it should (the conspiracy has a lot of trouble with that) and Ted is soon on the run with the file. It's the oldest of suspense plots: the good guy has a file (or more recently, computer disk) and the bad guys will do anything to get it back. All of these plots take place in an alternate dimension, where copy machines do not exist and the bad guys believe the good guys when they say they haven't made a copy of the file... because it's actually true! Whether it's the 39 Steps or The X-Files, we can hardly go to the movie theaters or turn on the TV without seeing some poor schmuck (or beautiful woman) running from faceless minions trying to get that darn file back.
Now what should raise this silly plot above all of the other versions of this story we've seen is the tabloid nature of the file: That Hitler's daughter is alive... And she wants to occupy the White House! All right, now we're talking! That Hitler even had a daughter is only a remote historical possibility, but it's fun to think about, in a Hard Copy/Jerry Springer kind of way.
Which brings us to the central question... Who is Hitler's daughter? The movie is structured in such a way that we have three suspects, and we don't know which one is the titular character. All three characters (a reporter, the VPs wife, and a Senator) seem to be power hungry, and all three seem to be willing to claw (or sleep) their way to the top, but because we aren't supposed to know who is really Hitler's daughter until the end of the movie, none of the women ever actually do anything particularly evil! It's not so much "Hitler's daughter wants to occupy the White House" as "Hitler's daughter wants to be on Melrose Place."
So, what are we left with? Not a whole lot. The story doesn't unfold very smoothly, and there is nothing in this plot that we haven't seen before in any number of other conspiracy movies. Besides, why would Hitler's daughter go into politics? These days, the easiest way to spread evil throughout the world is to write bad TV movies.
Someone named "reformjoy" posted the following on the NewsMax.com forum. Our comments in brackets:
posted December 27, 2000 04:46 PM
There is a movie, titled "Hitler's Daughter" that was produced in 1990 or so, that has just been re-released on video.
[As far as we can tell, this is the first time it has been released on video.]
It is a movie based on a book by the same name. The author is well known and has written many books, but this book, written in 1988, right before the Clinton Presidency, was put OUT OF PRINT by 1989 or so!
[The author was so well known, "reformjoy" can't name him. In fact it was Timothy Benford, who is not at all well known, and has only written eight books, according to his own biography. Most of those are non-fiction books, of the "fact and quiz" type. Clive Cussler he ain't.]
And, it was a best seller too!
[Obviously, it wasn't.]
Anyway, for SOME REASON, this movie is being released NOW, when Hillary Clinton begins her bid for the Senate and a future well planned bid for the Presidency....
If you can get your hands on this video, or book. DO IT.
It is selling at Amazon.com for the outrageous price of near $80, someone figures this should be a hot item.... Maybe it is! You can probably rent it too. The book is available only through used book dealers due to being OUT OF PRINT.
[This guy is obviously unfamiliar with rental pricing, and with the fact that crappy TV movies take years to come to video. And the book is not out of print. It looks like the author is self publishing his three or so fiction books.]
I read this review about the movie,which only gave it one "lava lamp" but don't let that stop you. THIS movie is GREAT. Scary and a little TOO close to real life to let you sleep well at night!
This post was hilarious enough, but "reformjoy" is not done yet. A few minutes later he posted again:
posted December 27, 2000 04:56 PM
Oh, one more thing about that link in my reply above to a review of the movie, "Hitler's Daughter".
I read this review on the web over a year ago. It did not look the same as it does now. The reviewer really liked the movie at the time and had a completely different web page for it.
NOW, this "re-done" review, includes MOCK out-takes of dialogue and presents it as being real.
Let me just tell you, I just saw the movie on video. Those "batman" comments, and "singing telegrams" comments **WERE NOT** in the movie. This movie was very well done, and when it ends, you want more.
Someone is trying to discourage people from seeing this, and mocking it. Hmmmm...
Here's the link to the review, but don't fall for the scam to keep you from seeing it.
When we read this, we laughed so hard we nearly coughed up our kidneys. The complete lack of a sense of humor is disturbing enough, but the claim that the review had changed is truly absurd, not to mention delusional. What is it about people that they will tell bald faced lies just to create a conspiracy where none is to be found? Is "reformjoy" so mentally disturbed that he actually believes he read our review a year ago and it was positive? Or is he knowingly telling a lie? We're not sure, and frankly, we don't ever want to get close enough to someone like him to find out.
Stomp Tokyo, otherwise known as an arm of the great Clinton conspiracy, signing off.