UHF Rating: two lava lamps. Reviewed by Ray Schaff Before we get this review rolling, let me ask the following: Who's responsible for wasting ninety-odd minutes of my VCR's time and mine? In reverse order, the offenders are music parody-meister "Weird Al" Yankovic (we'll get back to him), VH1 and myself VH1, though, has been quite generous to Yankovic in covering the recent "Running with Scissors" album and tour, dusting off his videos and putting him in front of "Behind the Music" (henceforth BTM). That's more nostalgia from my teens than I could handle, so not only does his tour touch down within an hour's drive from home on my birthday no less, but now we sit reading my review that should have been underway by now... UHF stars "Weird Al" Yankovic as George Newman, a day-dreaming proto-slacker who not only can't keep a job, but gets his friend and roommate Bob (David Bowe, in no way to be confused with David Bowie) fired along with him. He also lives next door to the slapstickiest of martial arts schools, consumes Twinkie-weiner sandwiches and forgets to meet his girlfriend Teri (Victoria Jackson) for the umpteenth time, so George ain't exactly yanking life's lips. Don't ask. Then comes the Unlikely Opportunity: George's slimy uncle wins a small UHF television station in yet another poker game, so George's dotty aunt convinces him to try running the place, with Bob in tow no less. "Small" is a kind word for Channel 62. It has no visible master control, save for an underlit mad scientist's lair where lurks eccentric chief engineer Filo (Anthony Geary, who's almost unrecognizable to "General Hospital" fans as Luke of Luke & Laura). Aspiring reporter Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher, actually likable with full use of her nasal passages) has been stuck for months as secretary, and her first news assignment is covered by famous small person Billy Barty as a cameraman named Noodles. No wonder the near-bankrupt station is being outgunned by network affiliate Channel 8, owned by the egocentric R.J. Fletcher (acting veteran Kevin McCarthy, ham to the Nth degree) who takes time out from berating his own star reporter of a son (John Paragon with nothing to do) over a No. 2 pencil to fire a janitor over a missing report. I'm not spoiling anything when I reveal that R.J. finds the report by sitting on it. Should the scene play on your TV, it's a given that someone in audio-visual range will figure it out and even say something like "He's gonna sit on the report in his chair" out loud. Anyhoo, the janitor is dumb but affable Stanley Spadowski, portrayed by none other than Michael Richards a few years before Seinfeld made him a borderline psychotic icon of nothing, albeit with a somehow larger nose. When a dejected George gives Stanley his own kids show, it becomes the stations' first runaway hit, and the skyrocketing ratings leave R.J. Fletcher besides himself. Then George's uncle winds up $75,000 in debt to the wrong tough guy and is ready to sell out to R.J., who's certainly not above destroying his competition or having its star janitor kidnapped during their big telethon to save the station. I could have given a better plot synopsis if there were more of a plot, but Weird Al and his director/co-writer/longtime video director/manager Jay Levey seem to have used the same plot machine used to make Goonies, Mannequin, and too many other kooky-underdogs-versus-rich-evil-doer films aimed at unsuspecting teens that still pad out basic cable to this day. Despite surprising effort from most of the actors (special note to Geary's creepiness and Jackson's sweetness), this is almost pure cookie cutter save that our villain doesn't have any demolition teams handy. And let's not forget the gags. Yankovic himself said in BTM that UHF was "just an excuse to be goofy." I'm beginning to think that "goofy" translates from some unknown language as "padding" rather than "funny." I admit to laughing... OK, snorting out loud during the Raiders rip-off and George's "special report/happy birthday" to Teri, but this movie stretches and stalls way too often. Bear witness to: • lame movie misquotes (e.g. "We don't need no stinkin' badgers"), • the Spatula City ad that clocks in at a minute and fifteen seconds, which is at least a minute too long, • the lawyer-entitled video "Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies", not one of Al's best but perfect for a bathroom break, • professional basket case Emo Phillips proving he was a lot funnier on BTM than he was sawing his finger off, • the Rambo sequence, one of the most taxing, inert screen experiences I've ever had. I kept pushing the Counter button on my remote to make sure that VCR and tape were still moving. Kinda sad that Charlie Sheen of all people would actually help make satirizing Rambo in Hot Shots II look funny, • and finally an old lady's knee to guess-whose-groin, a shot I'm happy to say is saved for the last five minutes. To sum up, Al's brand of lunacy was probably never meant to go on so long without breaks, or take on so many targets from such a lumbering pre-satirized beast like all of television. (Rarely have two media forces like MTV and "Weird Al" Yankovic deserved each other more, so must they stay together.) I don't presume that Al meant to hurt anyone with UHF, but I'll be damned if I could tell you why, other than its cast, it's supposed to be an alleged cult item. While some of Al's most diehard fans are searching for this on e-bay, I'd rather bump and grind to his music than grind my teeth through this thing again. This review is © copyright 1999 Ray Schaff. Blah blah blah. Please don't claim that it's yours blah blah, but feel free to e-mail it to friends, or better yet, send them the URL. To reproduce this review in another form, please contact us at guys@stomptokyo.com. Blah blah blah blah.                                     * "Master control" is essentially the heart of a TV station or network, the room where live or pre-recorded programs as well as commercials are aired, various signals monitored, logs and reports filled out in detail for sales, management, the FCC, etc., etc.. Having worked in one such place (a former Channel 62, no less) for nearly two years as of this writing, I can tell you that attention to detail and timing are necessary there. Go back to see if I found any in the movie...                                                                                 * Yeah, you read right; I said "borderline psychotic." Face facts people, Kramer was about as well balanced as a garage sale baby carriage and gets my vote as the Sitcom Character Most Likely To Go Postal. Not just because Newman was too lazy to pick up a gun, either. Go back and think about it later.                                                                                 * While there's more chemistry in a kitchen sink than there is between George and Teri, the Yankster and VJ (as I just decided to call them) dated for a while and still remain friends. In fact, she helped him get in touch with one of SNL's musical guests: Kurt Cobain. The result was "Smells Like Nirvana", one of Al's funniest songs and videos. Go back!                                                                                 * Said "cult item" got KO'ed by the one-two punch of (unavoidable) bad reviews and stiff competition, and brother, do I mean stiff: the list of 1989's summer fare goes from Batman and Do The Right Thing to When Harry Met Sally and at least four sequels. What's a little movie like Al's supposed to do? (Go back before I say "Be funnier." Too late.)