Night Eyes Three (R-rated version) Rating: one lava lamp. Information about this film in the Internet Movie Database. Reviewed by Brian Lee Chapman This young lady is well on her way towards winning the ShowtimeTM Channel's Seal of Approval. Security Guards - what a life, eh? Shifts of tedium interspersed with maybe a couple of minutes of excitement. Fighting to stay awake (at least I would) while practically alone in darkened buildings. Not at Night Eyes Security, Security Guards for the Stars. At Night Eyes you get to Install Cool Equipment! Fight Bad Guys! Resist Corporate Takeovers! View Naked (read: Nekkid) Ex-Playmate Feminine Pulchritude! Work All-night Shifts Without Looking Tired in the Morning! The movie Night Eyes Three has all this and more, some of which there should be more of, some of which there shouldn't have even been a trace. Here's the skinny: Zoe Clairmont (Shannon Tweed) is the tired star of a hit TV show, Sweet Angels. It's hard to imagine how this show is a hit: all it has are two sexy women (Think about it Brian - Ed.). Zoe dumps Dan (Todd Curtis), we'll call him Ex-Quarterback Freeloading Loser Ex-Boyfriend for short, who then turns vengeful stalker. To the rescue comes the owner of Night Eyes Security, Will Griffith (Co-Writer/Director Andrew Stevens), an honest type of chap with a precociously cute daughter, Natalie (Allison Mack), who is visiting for the Christmas season. Zoe and Will face many enemies together in the course of 90+ minutes, namely the aforementioned Ex-Quarterback Freeloading Loser Ex-Boyfriend, as well as Thomas Cassidy (Daniel McVicar) and Stanton (Tristan Rogers), Heads of Pacific Patrol who want to put Night Eyes out of business. If that lot weren't enough our protagonists also have to do battle with Dana Gray (Tracy Tweed) and Edgar Kaplan (Richard Portnow), Clairmont's jealous co-star and Sweet Angels' producer (and Gray's lover), respectively. Oh yeah, Will and Zoe find time amongst all the above to fall in lust, which, as anyone would guess, doesn't help their plight at all. "Sooooooooyyyyyyyyyy un perdidor / I'm a loser, baby...." The Good: Shannon Tweed. No, it's not because she "gets her kit off for the lads" (You didn't mind that either did you Brian - Ed.). Ms. Tweed does a terrific job portraying a woman who can see that being on top (ahem, at the top) can be quite lonely. The Lovely Shannon displays a complex range of emotion, my favorite being her reaction to a security device that has been set up behind a door. It's a motion detection device that, when triggered, broadcasts the sound of a dog barking. Her surprise comes across as genuine, and would be perfect for an MST3K "stinger." Allison Mack. Perhaps the best actor in the whole flick. How long did she have to wait before being able to see this movie? The Bad: Andrew Stevens. Bland, nondescript, blah ... get the picture? To be fair, however, he doesn't fall prey to the standard director/star trap of lavishing the camera on himself. "No, I don't think I want the garden hose tied back on to my 2nd floor balcony, but thanks for stopping by!" Zoe Clairmont. This is an example of liking the actor but not being fond of the character. In separate incidents she protects Ex-Quarterback Freeloading Loser Ex-Boyfriend from the police and from Will. It's difficult to sympathize with a character who supposedly dislikes a situation yet won't sort it out. Sound quality. Definitely dodgy. In one portion of the first scene, poor dubbing makes EQFLEB sound as if his part was spoken by two different people. The Haintly: Tracy Tweed. When her character meets Will in a studio dressing room, it's obvious that being asked to combine the voluntary (acting) and the involuntary (breathing, showing off her nekkidity) is quite a challenge for poor Tracy. Yer Jokin' Aren't Ya or Garden Hose ex Machina. EQFLEB sneaks into the Clairmont compound in a rather unsubtle attempt to win back Zoe. Finding all downstairs entrances locked, he surveys the second floor for possible entry points. He finds a garden hose dangling from the railing outside Ms. Clairmont's boodwar and uses it to climb up to the balcony. That's right, gentle readers, a garden hose is merely hanging down from the top floor. Not only that, but the hose isn't attached to a spigot; it's tied in a knot around the top of the balcony railing. No one notices it, not the police, Will, or Zoe. I guess it's part of the Building Code, then. Maybe it's a temporary thing; as time passes the hose reverts to thin air. The Parting Shot: Try as Shannon Tweed may, her classiness cannot untie the hangman's knot made from a rope of garden hose that dooms this film. If one can ignore the garden hose, Tracy Tweed's sneer, Andrew Stevens' charisma deficiency, and (did I mention) the garden hose, then the movie's probably a two lava-lamper. However, if one desires logic to complement the on-screen action it won't be found by checking out Night Eyes Three, or at least this version. Maybe it all makes sense in the unrated version. "I said, 'QUIET ON THE SET!!!!'" This review is © copyright 1999 Brian Lee Chapman. Blah blah blah. Please don't claim that it's yours blah blah, but feel free to e-mail it to friends, or better yet, send them the URL. To reproduce this review in another form, please contact us at guys@stomptokyo.com. Blah blah blah blah.