A horror movie opens every fall around Halloween in the hopes of capitalizing on people’s desire to be scared during this spooky time of year. For the most part, they always fail — mainly due to the fact that they usually suck. Last year, it was "Blair Witch 2." This time out, it’s "Thirteen Ghosts." The only thing that’s going to haunt you about this movie is the fact that you spent money to see it. This flick is pretty gob-sucking awful.

This shallow remake of a William Castle fright flick is cursed with a ridiculous story, bad acting and unrepentantly lame dialogue. Tony Shalhoub ("Big Night") plays a recently widowed math teacher with two kids and a sassy maid who inherits a creepy glass house from his weird uncle, F. Murray Abraham (who has severely tarnished his "Amadeus" Oscar by appearing in this dreck).

The only thing that's going to haunt you about this movie is the fact that you spent money to see it.

Quick side note: Tony’s supposed to be going broke in the wake of his wife’s death. How does a bankrupt math teacher afford a housekeeper anyway? Ditch Hazel and maybe you can pay your bills.

Turns out F. was a ghost hunter and he’s got 12 ghosts trapped in the basement. Can you guess what happens next? If you said the ghouls escape and start looking for someone to make their spectral posse a Baker’s Dozen, you could get a gig penning the sequel. The empty shocks and leaden pacing in this flick will make the audience feel as trapped as the cast inside that nutty house. At least they got paid to endure this torture.

Speaking of the cast, Shalhoub and F. aren’t shooting for the stars with their performances. They’re just two promising character actors — denied better roles because they don’t look like Tom Cruise — who just want to hit their marks and collect their checks. Amongst this crew, Matthew Lillard ("SLC Punk" and "Summer Catch") puts on the best show as a weaselly psychic who also gets stuck in the house. He fires off a few good lines in between drooling and falling down in spasms. The lowpoint is probably the annoying kid playing the little brother. He’s got an Elmer Fuddian speech impediment and his overly precious mugging makes you long for the subtle acting style of a pre-adolescent Macaulay Culkin.

Shannon Elizabeth exhausted all her good acting mojo on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Then there’s "American Pie" hottie Shannon Elizabeth, who gets third billing in this flick, but is barely more than a glorified extra. She’s only in about half the movie and when she is onscreen, Shannon exhibits zero charisma. Seems she exhausted all her good acting mojo on "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Shannon’s back to flat line readings and dull expressions.

Perhaps her casting was a ploy to attract teenage boys to the theater? Eager little horndogs ready to cough up their paper route money for a glimpse at Shannon’s considerable assets. Producers have come up with wackier strategies to put butts in the seats. But since the darling Miss Elizabeth has parted with tradition and denied the audience a nude scene, this film has little to offer even its target demo. They do get a chance to gawk at a phantom babe’s goodies, but that probably doesn’t count since she’s all yukked up with scars and assorted grossness.

Matthew Lillard fires off a few good lines in between drooling and falling down in spasms.

The original "Thirteen Ghosts" didn’t attempt to lure moviegoers with gore and nudity. They employed an interesting gimmick called "Illusion-O" where every moviegoer had to wear special glasses in order to see the spectres. In the update, only the cast gets to wear the ghost-sighting specs and the audience gets to see the spooks regardless. And boy, are they a motley crew. Most of them look like roadies for a Marilyn Manson show or extras for a racy "Ghostbusters" sequel. The filmmakers (including veteran producers Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis and novice director Steve Beck) must have felt that grisly make-up and CGI effects would be a bigger draw than cool movie shades. They were wrong.

This flick is pretty gob-sucking awful.

Silver and Zemeckis also produced "The House on Haunted Hill," another crappy remake of a William Castle movie. Weren’t remakes supposed to improve upon the original? These guys must be on a crusade to make Castle’s work look like genius in comparison. "Thirteen Ghosts" is simply another example of how a bigger budget and better technology doesn’t always mean a better movie.

This flick was so bad that I had to see another one immediately just to cleanse my movie-watching palette. "Serendipity" was starting in the house next door and John Cusack in yet another earnest romantic comedy was infinitely more frightening than anything this sad, little film could muster.