Starring: Jessica Biel, Andrew Bryniarski, Eric Balfour, Erica Leerhsen and R. Lee Ermey

For years now, my wife has been dragging me to horror movies simply because she likes to see me jump. Here’s a little history for those of you who don’t know. I’m a horror flick neophyte or to put it more honestly, a big fat weenie. As a kid, my folks sheltered me from all manner of disturbing images (the news, scary movies, the Avon lady) so consequently I never built up a tolerance. My youth was not a constant diet of Jason, Freddy and Michael Myers. To this day, I don’t like gory effects and usually take flight when the spring-loaded cat appears.

My lovely wife has taken it upon herself to cure me of my collective cinematic phobias. Over the last five years, she has exposed me to a good number of horror classics and relished the subsequent squirm-fest. But recently I’ve come to accept my fate like a P.O.W. who becomes immune to bamboo shoots and the water torture. I can now endure a horror flick with grudging respect for the medium. Some of them are quite good, others suck eggs and sometimes I can even watch without covering my eyes.

The addition of fright flicks to my multiplex menu is also my penance for subjecting my beloved to way too many bad movies. While I don’t enjoy horror flicks, I pretty much love every other genre. A monthly dose of blood and gore scores me enough points for an action or sci-fi movie, flicks my lover girl usually avoids like a fruitcake at Christmas. For example, “Freddy Vs. Jason” buys me enough good will for a matinee of “The Rundown.” So now that you know about the movie-going give-and-take that constitutes my marriage, let me tell you about the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and how it made me a man.

I truly expected to spend this flick gripping the arm of my seat, hiding my eyes, and occasionally weeping – my typical horror movie coping mechanisms. Having seen the original, I had an idea of what was in store. The first flick is just plain creepy and extremely inventive since the entire budget was equivalent to the sticker price of a used Dodge Dart. I wasn’t thinking the remake would be better, but knew that it would have a much bigger budget for corn syrup and red food coloring. I was prepared for gore galore. Bring on the severed limbs and fling those intestines my way, baby!

The story stays pretty close to the original. In the early seventies, a group of twentysomethings on a road trip through the Texas boonies end up getting black-and-deckered by a ghoulish mutant redneck with a fondness for masks made out of other people’s faces. Since this new version was produced by Hollywood Big Boy Michael Bay and directed by music video impresario Marcus Nispel, there are a few Tinseltown concessions. The pace is much faster and the cast, cinematography, and production design are all much more attractive this time out.

Nubile Jessica Biel, still trying to prove she’s not sweet Mary Camden from “7th Heaven,” leads the pack of WB refugees in the cast. Since she’s the biggest name here, you know she’s going to make it. This fact comforted me any time the movie got too tense. If we live in a world where the star of “Summer Catch” can take on Leatherface and survive, then everything’s going to be all right. Jessica does an okay job. She whines and slobbers initially in the face of adversity, but pulls it together toward the end.

The characters are a teeny bit better developed than the original. That said, it just means that we get enough back-story to keep things interesting, but not enough to consider them more than chainsaw bait. Leatherface (played by Andrew Bryniarski from “Rollerball”) has also received an upgrade. He’s a little smarter this time out and been given some personal motivation for wearing those masks beyond “dude, it just looks freaky.” He is much faster and sleeker in this version, which is an apt description for the entire film.

The new “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is like a roller coaster whereas the first one was a trip to the haunted house. It is efficiently made, but the original has nothing to fear. The larger budget serves it well in some key areas, but nothing to match the first film’s ingenuity. That flick is just stomach-churningly macabre. Its southern gothic vibe set the standard for many horror films to follow. The filmmakers’ creativity proved that you didn’t need to throw a big wad of cash at the screen to freak people out.

Like an athlete who overcompensates for a lack of finesse with brute force, the remake just charges forward with several high-powered chase scenes. The movie likes to play “hide and seek” with Leatherface pursuing his prey through woods, abandoned houses and empty meatpacking plants. A raging bull mixed with the world’s scariest power tools salesman, Leatherface knows how to goose the audience at just the right times. Even my wife, the stouthearted horror vet, screamed three times during this flick.

The new “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is an example of fast food cinema. You watch it, your woman jumps in your lap, a fun date night is had by all. And you know what? That’s okay. I like fast food. Who doesn’t enjoy a Big Mac and fries every now and then? But ultimately, this movie doesn’t resonate. Its memory will quickly fade. The original film is a classic, but this one will simply be a cinematic footnote. However, the significance of my wife being freaked out means so much more.

During all this mayhem when my “courageous” spouse screamed and hid her face, I kept my eyes unblinking on the screen. I may have flinched here and there, grimaced at some gore, but I didn’t turn away. Here is why this film is the key to my own personal triumph. I not only survived a horror movie, but I protected my loved one during it. Does this mean the balance of power has shifted? Am I now the brave one? Or does my wife just need to lay off the double mocha frappucinos before going to see Leatherface?

I say it’s because I’m brave . . . but I slept with the lights on just in case.