STARRING: David Arquette, Leslie Bibb, Michael Clarke Duncan and Paul Sorvino

My friend Steve looks like David Arquette. A lot like David Arquette. Now, if you were going to pick your celebrity doppelganger, the 1-800-CALL-ATT guy is probably not your first choice, but let me tell you, membership has its privileges. My friend has discovered some interesting fringe benefits to resembling Mr. Courteney Cox.

He gets free bagels.

I’m not kidding. He and his wife (who does not resemble Courteney Cox, but does look a bit like Maxine Bahns from "The Brothers McMullen") were in a bagel shop recently and when they picked up their order, the stoner kid behind the counter gave it to them free of charge. When Steve asked for the reasoning behind this random act of kindness, the cashier replied, "It’s on me, Mr. Arquette." And then he winked.

I’m not kidding, the kid winked.

Since my friend is not one to look a gift bagel in the mouth, he and his lovely wife quickly departed with their freebies. Now should we attribute his recent good fortune to an uncanny resemblance to Deputy Dewey or just assume that the cashier had been partaking of some herbal refreshment on his break? And I’m not talking about green tea, if you know what I mean.

Well, whatever the reason, Steve still frequents this bagel shop hoping that good celebrity lookalike karma will strike again. I’ve joined him there a couple of times, and to date, it’s hasn’t happened. I keep hoping maybe someone will mistake me for Matthew Perry and slip me a free bagel dog, but no such luck. Maybe next time, I’ll chase my toasted Asiago cheese bagel with a handful of painkillers.

I bring all this up because now it’s impossible for me to see David Arquette in anything and not think of my buddy. During a recent screening of "See Spot Run," I wanted to shout at the screen:

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A LAME DOG MOVIE? THE BAGELS AREN’T WORTH IT.

"See Spot Run" is the latest in the "big dog" genre that was huge in the late eighties with "Turner and Hooch," "K-9" and "Beethoven." You basically get a big, sloppy dog and pair him with an anal-retentive cop or fussy parent and watch the laughs ensue. The dog trashes the house, pees on everything and drives the guy nuts until he eventually comes to love the crazy mutt and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, and sometimes, the dog takes a bullet.

David Arquette ("Scream" and "3,000 Miles to Graceland") plays Gordon, a goofy slacker working as a mailman, who lucks into caring for a huge bull mastiff when it jumps into his mail truck. Yes, the humor is incredibly obvious. Gordon’s a mailman who hates dogs and now he has to live with one. The early scenes of him eluding the pups on his route will bring a few smiles, even if the gags are pretty juvenile.

Arquette’s new companion turns out to be a specially trained FBI agent marked for death by a mob boss (Paul Sorvino from "GoodFellas"). The dog has escaped from a botched hit and is hiding out with Arquette until his partner (Michael Clarke Duncan from "The Green Mile") can track him down. Along the way, two bumbling hitmen try to off the pooch and are thwarted at every turn by the clever canine.

This latest doggy flick tweaks the genre a bit by making the dog the straight man. There are no shots of the dog tearing up the apartment or peeing on Arquette’s leg. In fact, the dog has better manners than his human co-star does. Arquette fights for most of the laughs, falling over stuff and acting like a dork. The dog just sits there and looks embarrassed.

The pooch seems to be the only one that survives this film with his dignity intact. Arquette gets covered in dog crap, Duncan weeps for his missing doggy, Leslie Bibb (WB’s "Popular" and "The Skulls") gets doused with mud, and Sorvino loses both testicles and gets them replaced with ball bearings. Not the finest moment on film for any of these thespians. Tell me, David. How much do they pay you to make it worth being covered in simulated doggy doo?

To be fair, "See Spot Run" is not trying to be "Saving Private Ryan." Director John Whitesell ("Calendar Girl") and screenwriters Daniel Baron and Christopher Faber seem to have made the film for the kiddy market. This decision would explain the thin story, loopy plot and lazy acting. Five year-olds can be a pretty forgiving crowd as long as someone falls down onscreen about every few minutes. While this film isn’t up to the standards of recent kid flicks like "My Dog Skip," it’s still better than most. I groaned during a number of scenes, but never felt ashamed of watching like I did during "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas."

Mainly, I was just mortified for the actors, especially Bibb, Duncan and Sorvino. They’ve all done good work in the past (okay, maybe Bibb’s work on the WB isn’t on a par with "GoodFellas," but hey, she’s young . . . and a total babe), and you wonder how they convinced themselves that being in this movie was a good idea. Look at Paul Sorvino. The guy has worked with Scorsese and DeNiro and here he’s got a dog chomping on his goodies.

For some reason, however, I never felt bad for Arquette. Not even when he’s pretending to be electrocuted or flailing in dog crap. I guess because this schlock doesn’t appear beneath him. Or maybe it’s because he just looks happy to have a job. I think Davey knows that only a twist of fate has kept him from a life of slinging corndogs at the circus. You’ve gotta respect him for that.