Take a Reuben sandwich and stuff it in a dirty sweatsock. Cram the sock in a bucket of used coffee grounds and hide it under your bed for six months. The resulting stench still won’t stink as bad as "Dungeons & Dragons," the new fantasy adventure based on the popular role-playing game.

This brainless attempt by first-time director Courtney Solomon and writers Topper Lilien and Carroll Cartwright (who wrote the mediocre Paul Newman comedy "Where the Money Is") is dead in the water. I’ve never played the game so I don’t know how faithful the filmmakers were to the concept, but I know fans deserve better than this festering pile of cinematic nastiness.

The story takes place in the faraway Empire of Izmer. Society is divided into two classes: those who use magic and those who don’t. The Mages are the ruling class and oppress the poor commoners. But Empress Savina (Thora Birch from "American Beauty") wants to abolish this system and create a world where Mages and commoners are equals. This idea doesn’t sit well with Profion (Jeremy Irons, who won an Oscar for "Reversal of Fortune"), a powerful Mage who likes being on top. He wants to overthrow Savina and rule the empire himself.

D&D fans deserve better than this festering pile of cinematic nastiness.

Savina has one trump card, however. She can control gold dragons with her magic scepter. In order to defeat her, Profion must find the Rod of Savrille, which would give him power over red dragons. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know where the Rod is located. He sends his evil toady, Damodar (Bruce Payne from "Passenger 57") to collect a map from Savina’s most trusted advisor.

Meanwhile, Ridley and Snails, two bumbling thieves, decide to break in and rob the "Mage School" at the same time that Damodar is searching for the map. They’re apprehended by the wizard’s apprentice, Marina, and then all three of them run into Damodar. They interrupt him roughing up the old wizard. Marina grabs the map and they escape with Damodar hot on their trail. Ridley and Snails reluctantly agree to help Marina find the Rod before the bad guys do. If our heroes fail, it could mean the end of all they hold dear.

YAWN.

You pretty much know what happens next. Ridley, Snails and Marina hook up with a motley band of adventurers during their quest for the Rod. The thieves reveal themselves to be truly noble at heart. Ridley and Marina start out bickering, but end up digging each other. Profion is really Ridley’s father. Okay, I made that last one up, but the movie is just about that derivative. There’s a bit in a tavern that rips off the "Star Wars" cantina scene and Ridley must navigate a maze full of booby traps that look left over from the Indiana Jones movies.

The only thing worse than this movie’s story is its performances. It’s hard to believe Jeremy Irons actually once won an Oscar considering the mugging he does is this flick. He chews so much scenery, you’ll wonder if he has an eating disorder. Thora Birch’s line readings are so flat, you’ll swear she’s reading off cue cards. Bruce Payne swaggers around trying to look menacing, but comes off like Darth Vader’s dorky second cousin. Also, you get a little uncomfortable hearing Payne — a bald guy in tight black leather — utter lines like "Give me the Rod."

The only decent part of this movie is the special effects, even if they don't mesh well with the live action segments.

There’s no one in this film you can get behind. The heroes are big duds. Blank pretty boy Justin Whalin ("Child’s Play 3") is supposed to be a dashing rogue, but he doesn’t have the charm or the edge to pull it off. He’s more like an underwear model pretending to be Robin Hood. When he and Payne face off for a climactic sword duel, it’s about as tense as two supermodels fighting over lipliner.

Marlon Wayans ("Scary Movie") is usually annoying in a mainstream comedy, but he’s especially irritating in a sword and sorcery flick. His patented shuck and jive seems out of place. His performance as Snails consists mainly of running silly and screaming like a girl. The filmmakers give him a heroic moment toward the end, but he’s been such a goober through most of the film, you just don’t take the guy seriously.

Whalin's like an underwear model pretending to be Robin Hood.

The only decent part of this movie is the special effects, even if they don’t mesh well with the live action segments. The big finale with red and gold dragons fighting it out over the skies of Izmer is really cool, but it’s obviously computer-generated. In movies like "The Matrix" and "Star Wars: Episode One," the digitally composed shots are woven seamlessly into the film. In "Dungeons & Dragons," they stick out like a red dress at a funeral.

Tasty computer graphics aside, "Dungeons & Dragons" is a waste. Two chimpanzees with a camcorder could have made a better film. Fantasy fans will be greatly disappointed, but don’t despair. There is hope on the horizon. The first installment of Director Peter Jackson’s ("Dead Alive" and "Heavenly Creatures") adaption of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy is slated to debut next December. The anticipation you feel for that film is much preferable to the regret you’ll endure after seeing this one.