Filmboy’s Mondo Movie Marathon

SUMMER 2003

Let’s be honest from the start, most of this summer’s movies were darn disappointing. Too many sequels or attempts at franchises without any thought toward quality. The multiplex looked more like a department store this summer. A lot of brand names, but nothing really good. Given this track record, I wasn’t expecting much from “Pirates of the Caribbean,” which is probably why it was such a joy.

I reluctantly settled down ready for another round of Disney “synergy” (It’s a ride! It’s a movie! It’s a chance to make money off both!), and then Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Director Gore Verbinski pulled a switcheroo with this rousing swashbuckler. This flick is why you go to summer movies. It was rowdy escapism with spirit and flash and the incomparable Johnny Depp in an iconic, yet completely tongue-in-cheek, performance.

Besides Depp, the colorful cast included Orlando Bloom as our earnest hero, breathtaking newcomer Keira Knightley as the spunky heroine and Geoffrey Rush as the dastardly villain. The solid script by Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio (“The Mask of Zorro” and “Shrek”) keeps the film sailing high above previous putrid pirate films like “Cutthroat Island” and odious Disney attraction spin-offs like “The Country Bears.” These boys realized that a brand name doesn’t mean anything if it goes on a lame product.

The Pixar posse catches another killer wave, giving us one of the most entertaining movies of the summer. The sterling quality of the animation alone is worth the price of admission, but add the journey of a neurotic clown fish named Marlin searching across the undersea kingdom for his lost offspring and you’ve got a keeper. You’ll want to watch this one again and again. Albert Brooks and Ellen DeGeneres are a great comic pair as Marlin and his pal, Dory Ð a fish with no short-term memory. Also swimming not too far behind is Barry Humphries (aka “Dame Edna”) as a friendly shark and Geoffrey Rush as a fish.

“Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” is louder and snazzier than the original and that’s not so bad. If you don’t look at it like a conventional movie (you know, one with a cohesive plot and believable characters) and view it more like an expensive pajama party, you’ll have a pretty good time. I know I scream into the wind every chance I get about shallow Hollywood and mindless sequels, but I still had a great time watching this flick.

Sometimes movies can just be mindless fun. They just need to be well-done mindless fun. “Charlie’s Angels” delivers in that respect or maybe I just have a weakness for hot chicks beating the crap out of each other. It was great seeing Demi Moore return to the big screen and strut her stuff as bad Angel, Madison Lee. The film’s main trio of Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymoore, and Lucy Liu seem to be having a great time, which translates to the audience. Bernie Mac as Bosley and Geoffrey Rush as a mysterious benefactor are also along for this wild and crazy ride. Definitely “leave your brain at the door” entertainment.

I was really conflicted over “The Hulk.” Part of me was ready for a mature, complex interpretation of a comic book hero and then the other part just wanted to see Bruce Banner hulk out and break stuff. I applaud Director Ang Lee and Screenwriter James Schamus for trying to use the Hulk as a metaphor for the darkness that lurks in all of us and explore how children suffer for the sins of their fathers. The film is a noble attempt with a first-rate cast and amazing effects, but here’s the truth, guys: most people just wanted to see Big Green run amok.

Congrats to Eric Bana, who didn’t play Banner like a dishrag, and kudos to Jennifer Connelly who gave Betty Ross some personality and Sam Elliot for imbuing Thunderbolt Ross with some depth. Geoffrey Rush was entertaining as Dr. Von Saperstein, but who knows what’s going on in Nick Nolte’s head as Banner’s whacked out dad. He’s over the top even for someone playing insane, but Nolte’s performance does have a cheesy watchability. It was fun up until the point where he becomes that giant electric amoeba thing then the whole movie goes a bit too gonzo for my taste.

Overall, there’s some great stuff in this flick. The CGI Hulk looks incredibly lifelike (more so than Nolte himself) and the comic book style editing is a nice touch, if a bit overused. But mostly, I think “The Hulk” tries too hard to distinguish itself from other summer fare. Face it, Ang, “The Hulk” is not “The Ice Storm,” no matter how much familial discord you work into the script. Next time just let the Green Goliath shout, “Hulk Smash!” and destroy a couple city blocks. Everyone will go away happy. I suggest the producers keep Michael Bay on speed dial just in case there’s a sequel.

Another sequel to the Terminator movies really didn’t seem necessary, especially since “T2” wrapped everything up nice and neat. Never underestimate studio greed, I guess. The third installment steamrolls forward with Arnold Schwarzenegger minus mastermind Writer/Director James Cameron and co-stars Linda Hamilton and Edward Furlong. The only link to the early films, Arnold barrels ahead like a dependable old diesel truck on a highway full of sports cars.

Director Jonathon Mostow does a capable job taking over the franchise and Nick Stahl replaces Furlong as our reluctant hero, John Connor. Stahl is a welcome change in the role. That Furlong kid always made my skin crawl. Newcomer Kristanna Loken is eye-catching as the villain Ð the ever-versatile Terminatrix, Claire Danes is a convincing damsel in distress and Geoffrey Rush is unexpected comic relief as an obsolete Terminator nicknamed Tin Can Bob.

“T3” doesn’t disgrace the memory of the earlier films, but it doesn’t erase it either. This flick has its moments Ð Arnie being dragged through downtown LA on the end of a wrecking ball and a car chase with a hearse are highlights Ð but nothing to compare to the original movies. “T3” can’t match the whiplash pacing of its predecessors, but is still a solid action flick on its own. It’s also one of the few current films that lays the groundwork for a sequel without forcing the issue.

Here’s a franchise that deserves a chance, but just can’t get off the ground. It’s got a dynamic star in Angelina Jolie, a film-worthy heroine in adventurer Lara Croft, a seasoned action director in Jan DeBont (“Speed” and “Twister”) and yet the film still lays an egg. Maybe there’s something to this screenplay business after all? Having one might be a good start. The plot of this flick is only slightly more comprehensible than the first Tomb Raider movie as Jolie slips into Lara Croft’s skintight fatigues once more to search for the legendary Pandora’s Box.

There are exotic locales (Greece, China and Africa), thrilling stunts (the bit with the flying suits is a standout) and the always watchable Ms. Jolie (love that silver wetsuit!), but the movie suffers from hazy plotting, limp characterizations and a forgettable supporting cast. Even Geoffrey Rush fails to make an impression as a fey crime lord. You’d swear he’s not even in the movie. The filmmakers need to watch “Raiders of the Lost Ark” again and figure out how to do this stuff right. There’s only one reason to see this flick and that’s the lovely Angelina Jolie. This chick’s got spark to spare.

The great Samuel L. Jackson and “It Boy” Colin Farrell flex and preen as macho super-cops in this generic action thriller. Not terribly original, but the charisma of the cast keeps things moving. Jackson never gets to really cut loose, but he still owns this movie as the leader of a LA SWAT unit. The plot involves the team transporting an international criminal to jail while fighting off the evil hordes battling to free the bad guy. A lot of testosterone gets sprayed across the screen, but you’ll find some fair action scenes underneath it all. See this guilty pleasure for the cast. Farrell has an easy charm, LL Cool J is always entertaining and I’ll watch Michelle Rodriquez snarl through anything. Geoffrey Rush has a cameo as the Mayor of Los Angeles.

This movie is disappointing for several reasons, not the worst of which is that it’s not very good. What’s really sad is you’ve got a host of gifted people stuck in this mess. The film’s writer/director is Ron Shelton, a very talented guy who made the classic “Bull Durham” and received good notices for his previous film, “Dark Blue.” It stars Harrison Ford, a bonafide screen legend, and up-and-comer Josh Hartnett as two detectives investigating the murder of a rap group, who also supplement their incomes by moonlighting respectively as a real estate agent and yoga instructor. Promising, but it never delivers.

I think Shelton is trying to make a satire on the hip SoCal scene in the guise of a cop movie, but the film’s tone is so off-balance, the lines so flat, and the plot so predictable, his point gets lost in all the white noise. It’s too funny to be a thriller and too serious to be a comedy. An auspicious cast gets trapped in this gunk like flies in Jell-O salad. Even Geoffrey Rush’s amusing walk-on as a yogi is too little too late to save this turkey. What does Ford’s involvement in this crap say about the current state of his career? The guy was Han Solo and Indiana Jones for Pete’s Sake. What’s he doing in a movie he would have turned down 10 years ago? Don’t waste your money.

This slice of “American Pie” is extremely stale. In a decision that could only have been made by studio accountants, here comes the “thrilling” conclusion to the American Pie saga. Jason Biggs realizes that Alyson Hannigan is his sister and then Seann William Scott and a bunch of Muppets destroy the shield generator allowing Lando Calrissian to blow up the Death Star. Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. That would have been a much better movie.

This flick finds our pals from the first two “American Pie” movies (or at least the ones that could be lured back for a quick buck) returning for the wedding of “pie connoisseur” Jim and his “Flute-Toting Band Dork.” Much naughty mayhem ensues. YAWN! Gone is the sass and charm of the first film, replaced by actors regurgitating bits that were much more entertaining the first time around. “American Pie” was a pleasant little trifle, but it didn’t deserve one sequel, let alone two.

“American Wedding” plays like a bad sitcom reunion TV movie. The only bright spots in this tepid soup are Eugene Levy as Jim’s clueless dad, Geoffrey Rush as the tipsy Father Brannigan and Jennifer Coolidge’s refreshing cameo as Stifler’s sultry mom. Regarding Stifler himself, Seann William Scott needs to hang up this routine before he’s stuck playing macho boneheads for the rest of his career.

Everything I said about “American Wedding” also applies to “Legally Blonde 2.” It’s a needless sequel that turns the appealing characters of the first flick into one-joke stereotypes. This time out, perky litigator Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) heads to Washington to work for a senator (Sally Field) and promote animal rights legislation. Witherspoon is engaging, but flying on autopilot. She probably spent more time spending her paycheck than preparing for this role. The entire cast is treading water, including Regina King as Elle’s rival, Bob Newhart as a helpful doorman and Geoffrey Rush as a mailbox. Everything endearing about the first film has been sucked out the window, replaced by sight gags and easy jokes. It's hard to believe this lemon was penned by the same team (Eve Ahlert and Dennis Drake) that delivered the delightful “Down with Love” earlier this summer. “Legally Blonde” is by no means a classic, but compared to this ham-fisted sequel, it plays like “The Philadelphia Story.”

Well, there you have it, my thoughts on a majority of this past summer’s big releases. I know it’s long overdue, but consider it your research for a future trip to the video store. After reviewing my reviews, what did we learn about this summer? I think the best movies weren’t the sequels, but rather original concepts or films that had more going for them than just a Roman numeral after the title.

Could the movie-going public be growing tired of “brand name cinema?” Are they hungry for something fresh and original? Will Hollywood take heed and make riskier choices or have movies grown so expensive that studios are terrified of anything that doesn’t sound like a sure thing? Guess we’ll have to wait until next summer to find out. One thing is for sure: Geoffrey Rush was definitely in a butt-load of movies this summer . . . or was he?

Cue maniacal laughter and then fade to black as titles come up:

TO BE CONTINUED . . .