"Coyote Ugly" is like porn for 13 year-old boys. You know what I’m talking about . . . you’re a teenage male blinded by hormones and too poor for pay cable. But poring over the lingerie section of the JCPenney catalog and watching waaaaaay too much WB (Those "Charmed" girls, oh my!) will get you only so far. So you go find yourself a nice, PG-13 flick full of hot chicks in skimpy clothes shaking their groove thing. Completely legal, socially acceptable, but somehow, strangely erotic.

I’m not proud that I know these things. I just know them.

Director David McNally, writer Gina Wendkos and uber-producer Jerry Bruckheimer can spout all they want about this movie’s "inspiring" storyline — a young woman following her dreams in NYC — but don’t be fooled. "Coyote Ugly" is really just about good, old-fashioned T&A. Even so, don’t expect anything too naughty. An R-rating means that their core audience would have to sneak in to see it and that could hurt the opening weekend’s grosses. The filmmakers use the "look, but don’t touch" approach to make their point. This movie is like that girl in your high school that didn’t "go all the way," but sure looked like she might.

"Coyote Ugly" is like that girl in your high school who didn't "go all the way," but sure looked like she might.

Violet Sanford (Piper Perabo from "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle") leaves her safe, New Jersey home and her sweet, but cranky dad (John Goodman from TV’s "Roseanne") to try and make it as a songwriter in the big, scary city. After getting turned down by every record company in town and in need of cash, she snags a job as a bartender at Coyote Ugly — a rowdy, randy hot spot run by tough cookie Lil (Maria Bello from "Payback"). The name of the bar refers to a one night stand so unattractive that you’d rather gnaw off your arm — like a coyote stuck in a trap — than wake them up to retrieve it.

Of course, no one who works at the bar fits that description. They’re all smokin’ hotties. There’s badass Rachel (Bridget Moynahan from the upcoming indie "Whipped"), sex kitten Cammie (Polish newcomer Izabella Miko) and diva Zoe (Tyra Banks from "Love Stinks"). The barmaids are little more than stereotypes, but who needs character development when you’ve got leather pants and halter tops? The girls strut and prance, sliding around on the bar and even setting it on fire in one ridiculous scene. I guess we’re supposed to feel liberated by their spunk and vitality, but they just reminded me of a cheerleading squad for a biker gang.

Violet attempts to get over her crippling stage fright (as if that’s the only thing standing between her and a music career) by singing along with the jukebox. The crowd really digs her action as she saunters on top of the bar, belting out the tunes (Guess this bunch has never heard of karaoke). She also romances charming fry cook Kevin (played by Aussie Adam Garcia, who will soon be seen with Drew Barrymore in "Riding in Cars With Boys"). He’s "quirky" because he reads comic books and lives in an apartment decorated by Planet Hollywood. Kevin thinks Violet’s hiding from her dreams in the bar. It’s easy to be a star when you’re half-dressed and the crowd is full of drunken, horny guys. He wants her to sing her own songs in front of a sober audience for a change.

Perabo and Garcia have very good chemistry together and are fun to watch. They both thrive in underdeveloped roles. Perabo is sweet and perky, a twentysomething Shirley Temple in a tight T-shirt. Garcia is the latest Australian to wow audiences this summer — following Russell Crowe in "Gladiator," Heath Ledger in "The Patriot" and Hugh Jackman in "X-Men." He delivers his lines with an easy confidence, which helps him rise above the material. Both of these kids deserve a better movie.

The Coyotes are pretty much window dressing. The only thing they contribute to the movie is cleavage.

Regarding the rest of the cast, Goodman and Bello are definite highlights. He puts his own spin on the "gruff but lovable" cliche while she seems to be the only actress here able to play both sexy and smart. The other Coyotes are pretty much window dressing. The only thing they contribute to the movie is cleavage. And if Tyra Banks plays one more "babe with an attitude," I’m going to have a brain hemorrhage. Plus, did we really need a cameo by ingenue singer LeAnn Rimes? I’ll be honest: the chick really scares me. Her face, voice, and awkward attempts at sexuality take me to a very dark place.

The movie’s plot is pretty run-of-the-mill. Naïve girl comes to the city, shakes her moneymaker in a downtown bar, finds love, discovers her artistic voice, yada, yada, yada. You can figure out the ending within the first 30 minutes. But then again, you’re probably not really going to this movie for the story, are you? In addition to Wendkos (who cut her creative teeth writing episodes of TV’s "Wiseguy"), it took seven uncredited writers — including the great Kevin Smith ("Dogma") — to pound out this script.

I don’t want to slam any of these scribes, I’m sure they all needed the money. Kevin Smith probably got paid more than the entire budget of "Clerks" to rework this thing. Plus, there’s a lot that can happen between finishing a script and completing a movie. However, if "Coyote Ugly" is the best that you can do after eight tries, maybe you should just give up.

Instead of subjecting yourself to this junk, check out a little gem called "The Thing Called Love." It covers similar terrain with Samantha Mathis ("Pump up the Volume") as a spunky girl waiting tables while trying to make her way in the music biz. This film has all the charm that’s missing from "Coyote Ugly." It’s also worth a look for being one of Sandra Bullock’s first roles and one of River Phoenix’s last. This movie’s not for you if you’re looking for a shallow flick about four tasty morsels struttin’ their stuff. By those standards, "Coyote Ugly" is what just what you need.