A special note about the digital pictures of the movie screens in this article: without the flash, my camera's low-light abilities are somewhat limited; add to that the fact that some of the films were underlit and out of focus to begin with. If something looks blurry in these photos, chances are good that's how it looked to us too. Especially when you factor in the sleep deprivation.

Reform School Girl - sponsored by the B-Masters

"I'm going to have a baby!"

We saw this movie last year, but it starred a young man instead of a woman and was called Daddy-O. Not a bad start to the Fest; the B-Masters sponsored it because it was the first film in the roster and the slot was originally supposed to be filled by the more appropriate Brain From Planet Arous. I'm a big fan of 1950's bullet-bra movies and it never hurts to start things off with an American International Pictures production.

Memorable lines: "I'm going to have a baby!" Uttered by a mentally disturbed young inmate. It soon became a catchphrase for any similarly disturbed individual in the other films.

Also, the greatest pickup line ever (after "Gimme some sugar, baby."): "There's nothing better on a hot day than a cool chick."

Greaser's Palace

"I'm humanity's savior. No, really."

This was the first surprise hit of the festival; from the title I was expecting another 1950's teen film, but it turned out to be a psychedelic, metaphoric retelling of the life of Christ in a cowboy Western setting, directed by Morton Downey Sr. Much was made of the fact that the Jesus character was played by Allan Arbus, who played psychiatrist Sidney Freedman on the M*A*S*H television series. To describe the film itself in fewer than five hundred words is probably an injustice; suffice it to say that Christ ("Jessy"), who was dressed like a pimp with a pink hat, kept telling people that he was going to Jerusalem to become an actor-singer-dancer, the main bad guy had a mariachi band to accompany his trips to the outhouse, and one man who kept dying only to be resurrected insisted that the afterlife consisted of contentedly swimming in a river of naked babies, followed by his transformation into a perfect smile.

Andrew helped things along by explaining the metaphors to the crowd in a booming voice. ("That's JESUS!") The audience really reacted well to the movie; it was the kind of mind-bendingly awful film that entertains even when you're not actively riffing on it. Sometimes I just sat there with my mouth open, wondering what could possibly come next. Jesus' fully-clothed sex scene and the appearance of an overly-affectionate Hervé Villachez did not disappoint. As Andrew B says, there's nothing quite as entertaining as a midget.

Memorable quip: "All I know is I want a mariachi band in my crapper," said someone sitting near me. I forget who it was, which is probably a good thing.

Blood of Dracula

The recurring theme of the evening had already made itself plain: in three movies there were as many scenes in which women were digging with shovels. Thereafter, snickers could be heard whenever a shovel appeared on screen, which was fairly often. In this film, the shovels appear during a scavenger hunt in a cemetery. What exactly one can find in a cemetery for a scavenger hunt is still a mystery to me, but the setting gave this AIP nugget some atmosphere. The plot involves a group of reform school girls (didn't we just see this?) and the lady mad scientist (she tampered in God's domain!) who uses hypnosis and a magical amulet to transform one of the students into a slavering vampire beast. Of course, it's all for the good of humanity. How did we miss this one when we did the Pretty Mad Scientists round table?

Memorable line: There weren't many memorable lines of dialogue, but a noxious number called "Puppy Love" did rear its ugly head with a dance routine involving couch pillows.

Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold - sponsored by jabootu.com

Eat your heart out, Pam Grier.

The second surprise hit of the evening, this blaxploitation adventure (Ken claims it's the first such to appear in B-Fest's twenty years!) got a healthy reaction from the crowd. Cleopatra (Tamara Dobson) travels to Hong Kong at the behest of her boss Stanley (Norman Fell!) in a collection of outfits that must be seen to be believed. There she falls in league with Mi Ling (a pretty Asian actress billed only as Tanny) to bust up a drug ring. The fabulous fights, eye-popping fashion choices (one suspects Dobson wandered around the outrageous sets looking for bits of decor that might be suitable hats), and over-the-top character acting really brought the audience to life.

It was at about this time that my cell phone came alive in my pocket and dialed my wife. I was completely oblivious to the fact that while we were all hooting at the screen and its wacky cast of characters, she was listening in and occasionally trying to get my attention. It didn't work.

Memorable quip from audience: "Take it off! And don't ever put it back on!"

Short: What is Communism?

Knowing is half the battle.

A revisit to the land of wacky commie-haters is not quite as funny as the first, but it still managed to get a reaction from the audience. Remember, kids: The National Education Program wants you to remember that communism is a lying, dirty, shrewd, Godless, murderous, and determined international criminal conspiracy. There's no reason we should put up with those pinko bastards who somehow managed to get Steve Guttenberg on screen and -- I'm sorry, what was I saying?

The lights came up, some door prizes were given away, and Jennie came away with the Stomp Tokyo t-shirt! It was a nice bit of serendipity, that one of our fans should actually win that particular item.

Ten minutes later, we were enveloped in darkness again.

Short: The Wizard of Speed and Time

This psychedelic short is a musical head-trip with a following among B-Fest regulars and even some audience participation. Dozens of people trampled up on stage to tromp in time to the music while lying on their backs. A fabulous spectacle, followed by the same film run backwards and upside down.

Plan Nine from Outer Space

Tor sure does play a good dead guy.

Ed Wood's most infamous film is the Old Faithful of B-Fest, and it is a signal to the B-Masters that it's time to catch some Z's, if possible. I'll confess I faded in and out, although I was awake for the usual shouts of "wicker!" versus those of "rattan!" Here's the truth, kids: rattan is a type of wicker. The argument is essentially meaningless. Sorry to blow a hole in tradition like that, especially since there are several different types of wicker furniture on that patio, but the truth must out.

The new acts by the B-Fest players, especially the graphic depiction of the Solarmanite explosion process, were welcome additions to what is usually a chance to merely ponder the face of Tor Johnson and think: jeez, that guy was homely.

Memorable Line: Throughout the night, there were repetitions of the phrase "Your stupid minds! Stupid, stupid!"