The Bad Movie Report

A Message From the Future

Oh, look. It's my first review for this site. How... quaint.

It's a little painful for me, going back and reading the first few. Though I was no stranger to reviewing, having written for Craig Ledbetter's High Tech Terror then European Trash Cinema, but I was obviously still working my way toward a style. Some would say I'm still working toward it.

In any case, I don't do rewrites on the earlier pieces - unless I spot an egregious error - because I find the contrast and evolution interesting, if not downright telling. That in mind, here's the first one:

Bordello of Blood

Yes, despite what I said on the Philosophy page, here is a tape you can easily find on your New Release Shelves, but I felt it my sworn duty to warn you.

Now, I am a big Dennis Miller fan . The RantMan speaks disparagingly of his "vampire hooker" movie. I was a fool. I did not believe Dennis. "Vampire hookers? Been done. But what the heck, I'd like to see Dennis play the lead for a change." FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SOULS, BELIEVE HIM!

Okay, our story: An evangelist (Chris Sarendon) pays to have an ancient super-vampire named Lilith revived and sent to America, where he sets her up in a brothel (disguised as a mortuary) to "kill sinners", unquote. The evangelist's assistant (Erika Eleniak) loses her worthless punk brother (Corey Feldman) to the vamps, and hires a down-and-out private eye (Dennis, at last) to find him.

You can pretty much write the plot yourself from thereDennis and Erika hunt down their agents. - it's nothing new or ground-breaking, and the Tales From the Crypt franchise can't even blame moth-eaten comics plots from the 50's for this. It's like someone got a Make-Your- Own-Vampire-Movie Kit for Christmas with one Generic Plot, fits all sizes. And! If You Order Now! A fabulous S*U*R*P*R*I*S*E* E*N*D*I*N*G*!!!! (And if you don't see the surprise ending coming , flashing its lights and blaring its horn the very second they set it up, kindly turn in your membership card at the door. We don't serve your kind in here.)

Overall, the film is well-lit and well-shot - very professionally made. But it's just so....mediocre. Miller is the best thing about the proceedings, and I 'm fairly confident that the few lines I did laugh at were of Miller's own invention. Erika Eleniak appears to be laboring under some obscure Gypsy curse which prevents her from being in a decent movie. However, any movie that kills Corey Feldman is okay by me, and he gets a fairly decent send-off. A lot of gore, most of it very quick, with very little impact, because you just don't care about any of this.

Aword of advice: rent the movie I kept flashing on while watching this treacle: From Dusk 'Till Dawn, about which we will hear more some day. You won't regret it. Like you will after wasting your hard-earned video rental on Bordello of Blood.



Not even Dennis Miller fans should apply.

- October 12, 1997