The Bad Movie Report

It is with great pleasure that we present our latest feature, Ask Maggot. Mr. Maggot possesses a Ph.D in Interpersonal Communications and has been a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Temptation Island. When he is not busy terrorizing the prisoners in Commander Shades' Dismal Dungeon of Terror, he enjoys teaching origami and attempting to invent a way to kill people using only orange juice. He may currently be seen as Lord Scuffington in The Imaginary Invalid, now playing at the Leary Street Trough'n'Brew Dinner Theatre.

Why do people in New Jersey feel the need to speed?
-Crow T. Bard

It not just New Jersey - all states of union feel speed limit merely suggestion. Stand-up comic once tell Maggot, "if you come up with good material about bad drivers, it will play anywhere." Maggot agree. Then Maggot kill him. Maggot hate stand-ups.

Which soup is more appropriate to bring to a Christmas pot luck: tomato or potato leek?
- Icrywolf

Maggot personally prefer tater soup, but during holidays watchword should be festive. Bring tomato and garnish with mistletoe for all-important red-green motif. Mistletoe poisonous. Get enough people to try soup, no need to ask annoying question next year.

I'm thinking of moving into an apartment with my girlfriend. But she's saying that I can't have the new 16 inch tall Godzilla model from Playing Mantis. How do I convince her I need to own this and display it in some prominent place?
- Scott

Maggot ask board of experts. Here are suggestions:
1) Hold breath until face turns blue.
2) Lie on floor. Flail arms and legs. Shriek, "But I wannit wannit WANNIT!!!!!"
3) SSgt. Andrew Borntreger, USMC, recommends simple phrase, "Git in the box, woman!"
4) Buy model anyway, tell her it really big air freshener.

Scott has a girlfriend?! And does this count as a question?
- Joe

Maggot amazed, too. Anything now possible.

I have not had sexual intercourse with a woman for over four years (ex-wife) Is there any danger that I will explode or go mad or become deeply religious anything like that.
- Cause for Concern?

All these possible. But more likely you develop craving for 16-inch tall Godzilla model from Playing Mantis.

I am a recent college graduate living on my own. I work at the library of the college I graduated from, and I recently finished my second novel and am in the process of polishing it up to send to publishers. Lately, however, I have not been writing anything new, and I have not been doing theater, which used to be extremely important to me. I find myself often frustrated, confused, and unsure of myself and my place in the world; it drives me crazy when I can't write, and I don't know if I should start acting again or not.

For the first time in my life, there are no grades, no semester, and no class. Is my ennui a result of withdrawal from formalized education, and the subesequent lack of structure that accompanies that withdrawal, or am I suffering from something far more abstract and sinister, like ebolli? Please advise.
- Wandering Witlessly in Waltham

Sudden loss of structure in life often lead to depression. Best solution is to create new structure. This hard, but new structure yours, not forced on you from outside. Easier solution is to join military or brainwashing religious cult - then you find out pretty darn fast you much rather be writing or acting.

Better yet, just come over here and let Maggot kill you.

If a tree falls on a mime in forest and no one's around, does anyone care?
- Molotov


What is the meaning of life? Why are we here?
- Hong Kong Cavalier

Maggot thought we already cover this.

1) Forty-two.
2) For the beer.

Ginger or Mary Ann?
- Chad

Silly question. Mary Ann.

Mary Ann or Jeanie?
- Nick Sterno

Sillier question. Still Mary Ann. Magic bad! Magic evil!!

You knew it'd come to this... Wilma or Betty?
- Molotov

Betty. Definitely Betty. Especially if last name Page. Rowr!

Daisy Mae or Wrangler Jane?
- Chad

Now you just being silly. Those people not real.

Who is this Dr. Freex, what doctoral program did he take, and how do I apply?
- Billydaking

Billy, Billy, Billy. Dr. Freex not real, either. Even if he real, he just put on lab coat and narrow black tie like Whit Bissel in Teenage Werewolf. Also important to have lab in office building. It fun. Try sometime!

How can I get over my fear of large avacado-shaped comic book nerds with nasal voices? Really, they scare me, even though I'm a comic book fan myself. (In my own defense, I'm more pear-shaped then avacado-shaped)
- The Waffle Man

Impossible to get over fear of large avacado-shaped comic book nerds with nasal voices. Why? Large avacado-shaped comic book nerds with nasal voices actually shoggoths. Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!

While doing a load of laundry in my apartment building's laundry room, I noticed a small metal door on the wall marked "incinerator". Would it be inadvisable to dispose of troublesome garbage (i.e. arms, feet, heads, etc.) in there? The recycling people don't seem to want it. Thanks.
- Running out of quick lime in Malden.

Sure, that what little door there for. Also throw in chunks of cured wood for pleasant hickory aroma. Ha! Maggot have Martha Stewart moment!

Why is it that when I ask a woman out, I invariably end up not only being told no, but also waking up hours later, with no recollection of what happened, in a farmers field somewhere in the central valley, watching a strange dancing light quickly retreating overhead?
- Anthroslug

Sound like typical college student weekend to Maggot. What is problem?

Who would win in a fight? Inframan or a power ranger?
-Tablesaw Safety

Inframan. He have uncanny ability to flash back to scene that never happen to find way out of death trap. Also do everything three times. Power Rangers only once. They not even have mouths.

Do bears really crap in the woods? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? What does the 33 on the Rolling Rock bottle stand for? Did Jack Tatum really touch the football first in the Immaculate Reception? Does anyone seriuosly think a toupee looks good? Why did the Taliban make every man wear a beard? Where are Areas 1-50, as well as Hangars 1-17? Who failed at their job of preventing Yahoo Serious from having a film career? How come you can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish?
- Nick Sterno

You ask too many questions. Maggot must kill you now.

If you have an all-consuming question concerning the universe around you, and don't mind having your questions answered by a brutish fashion-challenged homicidal maniac, be sure to Ask Maggot!